Wrinkle Resistant

The other night I was watching t.v. when another of those “miracle wrinkle remover” commercials came on. 

You know the ones, where they say they have a limited supply but they’ll send it to you for free if you just pay shipping and handling costs.  That’s because the stuff is essentially worthless and the company makes all of its profit on the shipping and handling.

There have been many ads like this lately but this one had a new “wrinkle” to it, pardon the pun.  It stated up front the only women who might benefit from their product are “between the ages of 40 and 60.”

Whoa.  This is the first time I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been deemed a hopeless case by the cosmetic industry.  It’s like, cosmetically speaking, I’ve been set on an ice floe and shoved out to sea.  If there still were ice floes.

I guess this company considers my wrinkles are of the permanent press variety.  In other words, in there to stay. 

I can just see the bigwigs sitting around the corporate conference table, discussing women over 60: 

“Naw, Herb, the wrinkles on those broads are so deep, even a steam roller wouldn’t flatten ’em.  Let’s go with the younger chicks who just think they have wrinkles.”  Guffaws all around.

My new patron saint of aging gracefully is Betty White.  So far I’ve really enjoyed her in her new TVLand sitcom “Hot in Cleveland,” along with her co-stars Wendie Malick, Valerie Bertinelli and Jane Leeves.

In one episode Jane is lamenting to Betty that she feels she’s getting old.  Betty tells her a secret that no one knows—that even though she is old, she still feels the same on the inside.  She goes on to admit that she’s often surprised that the face looking back at her from the mirror is not the face she was expecting to see.

Then Betty narrows her eyes, looks off into the distance and mutters:

“Sometimes she bugs me.”

I  hear ya, Betty.  Sometimes she bugs me too.

19 thoughts on “Wrinkle Resistant

    • Nora Ephron wrote a funny book called “I Feel Bad About My Neck” on that very subject. It’s ironic that I don’t have much of a neck, but what I do have is crepey too. If I wore scarves I’d look like I had on a whiplash collar…


  1. I am going to shoot the next person that tells me ‘You are only as old as you feel’. Their real message is , ‘You are old both outside and inside’. This I don’t need.


  2. I ordered FREE facial creme once and ended up with a wallet that was $70 lighter. The “small print” in the literature (which was written by amoeba scribes) tells you that if you don’t return it in 15 minutes from receipt, you pay for it. I, personally, give myself a facelift in the rearview mirror at every red light. When the car behind be starts honking, my jowls and I drive off.


  3. I suppose it’s just as well, since we have nothing to wear anyway. Everything out there is sleeveless and certainly does not allow for ruffly thighs, and creeping necks. But I’m with you–it does frost my britches that they show lovely 35-ish models in their “aging” cosmetic ads.

    Wonder what the old farts around the conference table look like?


  4. I just had a conversation with my younger cousin, who shares my birthday…three years later. She also shares my neck.

    She’s an utterly practical, no nonsense lawyer who could hardly be accused of excess vanity. And she confessed today to being “unrepentent!,” for having had a facelift recently.

    You know how, when somebody you actually know gets shot or wins the lottery or breaks a hip and all of a sudden you realize it could happen to you, too? Well, I’m there with this neck. It runs in the family.


  5. Dang! How unrepentent can I be if I don’t claim that last comment as my own? It’s mine. I fiddled around with a WordPress blog format and my comment got posted under it. I may be concerned that wrinkles have robbed my identity and/or that doing something about it may give me a de-realized siince of self, but I ain’t yet so far gone that I can’t claim my own impetuous confessions.


  6. And why doesn’t anyone care about MEN’S wrinkles? Rhetorical question! I just wish our society didn’t have such crap attitudes towards aging and the elderly!


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