A Missive from Behind the Lines in Texas

From James C. Moore–author of “Bush’s Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential”

Dear America,

I write to you from behind the lines in the last free state of Texas as we prepare to resist the invasion of Jade Helm 15.

While Gen. Travis laid in a supply of extra “beeves” in advance of the Mexican assault from Gen. Santa Anna at the Alamo, we are fearful of running low on Slim Jims and Moon Pies as the Walmarts are turned into detention centers for citizens robbed of their constitutional rights. As POWs (Prisoners of Walmart), we expect to be put to work in the sporting goods department against our will while earning below minimum wage.

We have had one encounter with a commander of the invading force during a hearing in Bastrop, Texas. Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria was deceptively polite and informative but Texans don’t fall for those characteristics. We don’t need facts. In Chuck Norris we trust, and he has informed us that this is an attempt by the Kenyan socialist in the White House to surrender our country to the United Nations. We have heard the talk that this is a training exercise in seven southwestern states to prepare U.S. troops for new types of war fighting, but Chuck Norris said, “It’s not crazy to think Obama would invade Texas.”

So that’s what we believe.

Of course, a lot of us still think of the Civil War as the “War of Northern Aggression,” and we are not going succumb to repeated history. In fact, a few weeks before the Jade Helm’s leadership incursion, our state legislature listened to passionate arguments to save “Confederate Heroes Day” on the Texas holiday calendar. A law to abolish the commemoration and honor all participants in the conflict was stopped with persuasion suggesting those who fought with the North were traitors, and anyone who wants to pay them tribute should “go to New York.”

Our brave governor, Greg Abbott, has ordered the Texas State Guard to establish listening posts to monitor Jade Helm exercises in case America’s soldiers come to take our guns, Duck Dynasty paraphernalia, Lone Star beer, pickup trucks, and bass boats. His command has left only a few of us confused. The governor says he honors the military at the same time he sends a message that he distrusts their activities. We are concerned that our previous governor, Rick Perry, has transcended Abbott’s intellect. Perry cannot remember three things at once but thinks paranoia over Jade Helm is not warranted.

We expect the Jade Helm troops to seduce our population with the profits from selling gas, food, and lodging, but we will be vigilant. We have our radios tuned to Texas conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and we have read the text of the U.N.’s Agenda 21 and know that the global elite can requisition even our golf courses without paying appropriate greens fees. We are aware of the cost of freedom in Texas, though, and on a nice 18-hole golf course it can be a hundred dollars a round plus cart fees.

Dissenters are arising in our midst, too, and pose some danger. A suspiciously sane former state lawmaker, Todd Smith, a Republican, wrote the governor to tell him that his “pandering to idiots” had made him “livid.” Although Smith served 16 years in the Texas House, he seems to have salvaged a troubling intelligence. He told Gov. Abbott, “I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse.”

But be not afraid, America. We are Texans. We will resist logic and intelligence to the very end. And we will keep up our traditions. From the Alamo to the Battle of Goliad, the Confederacy, LBJ’s Vietnam, George W. Bush’s Iraq War, and even Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys, we have a long legacy of losing. And the odds are also against us in the coming Battle of Jade Helm, but we expect to prevail against the invaders, and we will not give up our rights.

Or our air conditioning, cold beer, and Slim Jims.

Signed,

A Patriotic Texan

texas-lone-brain-state

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5 thoughts on “A Missive from Behind the Lines in Texas

  1. All time great post. Still laughing. Unfortunately I am starting the think the entire country is nuts. When politicians start pandering to the low IQ fringe we are ALL in trouble.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lawdamercy, whose side is Jesus on? I’m guessing that Franklin Graham would send Slim Jims and Moon Pies if they ran low. Do you think it’s fumes from the oil wells that are eating away any rational thought? I am amazed and disheartened that, no matter how whacko the theory, the wing nuts always find followers. Why oh why are we doing away with the mental health facilities?! It used to be that we could safely house them there and help them back to reality. Now we make them politicians.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jesus gave up on us a long time ago. (Remember when Rick Perry had that big prayer rally for rain in Houston that didn’t work?) And I think Franklin Graham is too busy looking for “Muslins” under every bed to be bothered. It’s really saying something when Perry turns out to be the voice of reason. Never would have thunk it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. O.m.g. You have it!!! The last few remnants of the partly sane liberals/commie/socialist/democrats have rolled our eyes till they nearly fell out. Sending off to the CDC in Georgia for stupid vaccine. Or maybe the zombie apocalypse has happened and this is all we have left.

    Liked by 1 person

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