“Handy Universal Post-Iowa Reaction Helpsheet”

From The Daily Kos–written by Bill in Maine

[Hooray!] [Dammit!] [Meh.] My candidate [won] [lost] the Iowa caucus last night, and I am so [thrilled] [pissed] [zen] about it I could [kiss a wookie] [chew through drywall] [go back to bed].

Even though the deciding factor was [turnout] [turnout] [turnout], you can’t ignore the impact of [visiting all 99 counties] [appearing to enjoy wolfing down greasy diner food five times a day] [promising to award the Iowa State Fair butter cow a Medal of Freedom from the Oval Office] in the final tally.

Meanwhile the Republican contest was absolutely [batshit] [synonym for batshit] [another synonym for batshit]. I mean, seriously—holy [cow] [mother of God] [cheese ‘n rice], they really settled on [him] [her] [that]?!! Good luck in the general with your views on gutting [Social Security] [Medicare] [Obamacare] [women’s rights] [voting rights] [LGBT rights] [minority rights] [environmental laws] [consumer protections] [all of the above], ya big jerk.

As usual, the media was of [big help] [little help] [no help] in the run-up to the caucus, and the [most] [least] insightful lesson I learned from their [polling] [pundit roundtable] [chicken-innards reading] analysis was [“Whoever’s ahead will be in the lead”] [“The candidates are playing to win”] [“This is excellent news for John McCain”].

Next stop: the New Hampshire primary. I [can’t wait] [can wait] [would like you to please pass me the bong].

dewey_schlongs_truman

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7 thoughts on ““Handy Universal Post-Iowa Reaction Helpsheet”

  1. We settled in to watch the caucus last night and lasted about 20 minutes. Decided we’d rather watch a small crack in our plaster wall to see whether or not it was spreading. Nope. It’s been that way for 15 years, but that feels about how long we’re going to have to endure these primaries.

    I can’t remember. . . had all the snarling started about Obama’s eligibility to run begun by the Iowa caucus? Were I a Republican, I’d be embarrassed by the lack of questioning about Cruz’s eligibility. Well, except for Trump–he’ll snark any time about any subject. Oh–and I take back the part about being embarrassed if I were a Republican. Hah! Look at their list of candidates: they have no shame.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When I tuned into the news this morning there was so much talk about Trump I thought he’d won. That was almost as funny as Cruz continually referring to himself as someone who’s “outside the Washington establishment”.

    Sure, Senator, you keep telling yourself that.

    Liked by 1 person

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