From The Borowitz Report at The New Yorker:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a frenzy of early-morning activity on Saturday, President Donald J. Trump ordered aides to immediately cover every phone in the White House with tin foil, White House sources confirmed.
According to the sources, Trump contacted staffers Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer at approximately 6 a.m. and instructed them to purchase enough tin foil to cover every phone in the building.
The President, still wearing his bathrobe after what was reportedly a sleepless night, personally supervised the tin-foil installation, sources said.
“Wrap it tighter,” he was heard bellowing at Conway.
After the installation was complete, Trump ordered the Secret Service to check every room in the White House for signs of former President Barack Obama.
“He’s still here somewhere, I know it,” Trump reportedly muttered.