Donald Trump is the bravest man in America (Hint: It’s Satire.)

From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

Such courage!

How fortunate we are to have as president the bravest man in America. A man who was not afraid — when even Joe Biden was standing above ground and meeting with protesters — to boldly go down into a secure bunker. Now that was an act of courage! Hiding under the ground, which is a scary place full of earthworms and moles (some could be malignant) and cicadas and very long roots! Secreting himself in a bunker of limited size, laughing in the face of claustrophobia, even though he was forced to confront head-on the terrifying fact that all the items around him might have been touched by Dick Cheney during his brief time in the same spot — only a very daring man would have the guts to venture there. Hiding below the White House, where Andrew Johnson’s ghost could possibly also be, at any time.

But his courage did not stop there. No! He was not afraid to pick up the telephone (always terrifying, because you cannot see your interlocutor, and sometimes you both start talking at the same time, which can haunt you for months afterwards) and yell at the nation’s governors that they needed to “dominate” and “get much tougher” and that “if you don’t dominate you’re wasting your time. They’re going to run over you, you’re going to look like a bunch of jerks.” This was not just a sign of bravery, but also intelligence, demonstrating his laser-like ability to pinpoint the one remark that might soothe or offer even a tiny bit of reassurance during a trying time, and then say the exact opposite.

But it was not just by phone that his courage demonstrated itself. He did not merely speak, but also typed! He managed to violate Twitter’s terms of service by glorifying violence, the act of a very bold man. Behind a keyboard is the most frightening place of all to be, much scarier than standing in a protest, because you do not know, for starters, if the keyboard is entirely clean, and also you might make a typo. And staring at the screen to which the keyboard is attached could lead to eyestrain.

It took immense bravery to say the very worst things at a time such as this. But that is the kind of bravery for which Donald Trump has always been known. Not afraid to heap insult on injury on insult, bold enough to cower, wise enough to plant his foot firmly in his mouth. Whereas most leaders stop at pouring oil on troubled waters, Donald Trump is brave enough to set that oil on fire!

So brave! So dominant! He is a beacon in the night, just like the White House wasn’t.

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