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Ass Kissing in King Lear’s Cabinet

From The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

President Trump responded to the news that the Public Theater was putting on a defiant production of “Julius Caesar” by staging his own production of “King Lear” during a very strange Cabinet meeting on Monday.

It went approximately as follows.

Trump: All right. Which of you shall we say doth love us most, that we our largest bounty may extend where nature doth with merit challenge? Go around, name your position, talk about your work. Start with Mike.

Mike Pence: I love you more than words can wield the matter. Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty. Beyond what can be valued, rich or rare. No less than life, with grace, health, beauty, honor; as much as child e’er loved, or father found. A love that makes breath poor and speech unable. Beyond all manner of so much I love you. Serving you has been “the greatest privilege of my life,” Mr. Lear.

Jeff Sessions: Sir, I am made of that self mettle as my sister, And prize me at her worth. In my true heart, I find she names my very deed of love — Only she comes too short, that I profess Myself an enemy to all other joys, Which the most precious square of sense possesses. And find I am alone felicitate in your dear highness’ love. “An honor to be here.”

Jim Mattis: I respect the troops a lot.

Trump: Nothing will come of nothing. Speak again.

Mattis: (uncomfortably) I prefer to maintain a dignified silence in the presence of media.

Mike Pompeo: Hey, that’s my line!

Rick Perry: i like you more than i like my hat
and i like my hat a lot
my glasses i don’t like because i sometimes feel that they are judging me and whispering that i am not smart
but you and my hat are both okay
i take it off to honor you
thank you for showing the Earth who was boss, and for showing the Paris accords that the only real Paris is in the Lone Star State.

Linda McMahon: Thank you for letting me work at the Small Business Administration! With you in charge we will have to change the name, because nothing will be small. Businesses will not be small, and dreams will not be small. You will lift us up and hold us in the palms of your right-size hands. You have won the biggest smackdown of all, against the economy, which before was raw and now is cooked.

Alexander Acosta: When I look at you, I feel the way dogs feel when they look at anyone. Merely to breathe your air is an unthinkable honor. (begins to strike himself on the chest) No, air, leave my foul and corrupted lungs and go where you may be appreciated, into the magnificent lungs of Donald Trump, where you will help to power a true king among men. Turn his blood even redder and help to make him strong. He must be strong — for all of us.

Tom Price: My king, please glance into the doorway, where my strong son has brought you a nightingale made entirely of gold and silver. Take it with my compliments and let its tinkling mechanical song fill your heart with joy and make your people glad. If you wish, my son will join your household as your loyal retainer. His presence will vouch for my loyalty, and he knows what will happen to him if I fail you.

Mick Mulvaney: Your budget is more beautiful than the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and was put together much quicker. It will benefit the same people. Also, you smell nice, like an expensive pine tree.

Elaine Chao: You have helped me to make hundreds of people happy!

Trump: Only hundreds?

Chao: (swallows nervously) That is a lot. Just try to count to a hundred. It’s not even POSSIBLE.

(Trump appears to think for a long time, then slowly nods.)

Sonny Perdue: My lord, when you walk in the street, dogs leave their masters to follow at your heels and cats who see you experience loyalty for the first time. Young brides, stepping out of churches, release their husbands’ arms and rush to throw themselves at your feet. The husbands would do so, too, if they did not know that it would not make you slightly uncomfortable, and the mere thought of making you uncomfortable fills them with a sorrow greater than any sorrow they have ever known. When you smile, it is not winter anymore. You alone can melt the frozen heart and the frozen polar ice cap. Also, you are very popular in Mississippi.

Ben Carson: I know what it is to hold a human life in my gifted hands and perform a surgery that is a matter of life or death. So you will understand when I say that the most precious thing I have ever held in my hands is … you. You mean everything. Everything. Everything. (begins to weep with emotion) I believe that if you touched any of us right here, you could heal us all and there would be no need for science. But you must do what you think best.

Reince Priebus: You smell like a thousand angels. Sometimes I think you might be an angel. If heaven is not serving you, I don’t know what is. Maybe there is no heaven. I am grateful to God every day for putting you into my life. You are sunshine. My only sunshine. The only sunshine. “On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing that you’ven give us to serve your agenda and the American people.”

This seems fine.

Image result for trump as king lear

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Paging Dr. Strangelove

President Trump reportedly eschews exercise because he believes it drains the body’s “finite” energy resources, but experts say this argument is flawed because the human body actually becomes stronger with exercise.

Trump’s views on exercise were mentioned in a New Yorker article this month and in “Trump Revealed,” The Washington Post’s 2016 biography of the president, which noted that Trump mostly gave up athletics after college because he “believed the human body was like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted.”

Quote from “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”:

I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

President Trump, seen here preserving his bodily fluids.

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Overweight Gasbag Mansplains Beauty for Us.

Former Speaker Newt Gingrich on Wednesday defended Donald Trump’s remarks about a former Miss Universe’s weight gain, blaming the woman for gaining the weight. 

“You’re not supposed to gain 60 pounds during the year that you’re Miss Universe,” Gingrich told a Log Cabin Republicans event in Washington, according to the Daily Mail.

Image result for newt gingrich fat

I get more than a little tired of men (Trump, I’m lookin’ at you, too) who are in incredibly poor physical shape and yet they feel they are the arbiters of what women should look like.

I worked for a doctor who looked like Gingrich here and, because of his wealth, was married to a very slim woman. (She later divorced his ass after the kids were gone.) This doctor used to criticize women of normal weight and looks as not being up to his high standards. I just wanted to scream, “Have you looked in the mirror??!”

Last night on “Full Frontal” with Samantha Bee, she played the clip from the debate where Trump goes on and on about Hillary not looking presidential and her lack of “stamina.” Samantha finally says, “Why don’t you just come out and say ‘penis’?” Exactly.

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Presidential Nominee or Dementia Patient? You Decide.

Okay, folks. Listening to Trump argue with CNN’s Jake Tapper about the “Mexican” judge hearing his Trump U. case reminded me of the circular reasoning of a dementia patient.

I have personally experienced this type of argument with my late mother and it is chilling to hear the presumptive nominee for the Republican party go on and on like this with no possible hope for a coherent resolution.

Props to Mr. Tapper for at least trying.