From The New Yorker, by Broti Gupta and Rebecca Caplan
Welcome to the trump™ I.Q. Test. It’s the hardest test in the entire world, and Barack Obama couldn’t take it ’cuz he was too scared, and because you have to be American to take it. Please answer the questions below to the best of your ability or Lady ability.
1. Which of these five is unlike the other four?
(b) White supremacists
(c) Very bad people
(d) Very good people
(e) Misunderstood Nazis
2. Unscramble this word: maga
Answer: (b). The a’s were switched.
3. If Ivanka is 35 and Melania is 47, what is the oldest that a woman can be?
Answer: Would accept (b) or (d); there is no way to know yet.
4. Police brutality is to very good behavior as kneeling is to:
(a) Very good behavior
(b) Pretty bad behavior
(c) Really great behavior
(d) Spitting on a veteran’s widow
5. Complete the lyric: “This land is my land _________”
(a) “this land is your land.”
(b) “the monkey chased the weasel.”
(c) [A full 3 Doors Down song]
6. Obama golfing is to taxpayer fraud as Trump golfing is to:
(a) Good for taxpayers
(b) Good at golf
(c) Donald Trump owns many golfs!
(d) All of the above
7. Donald lost the popular vote by 3 million ballots. Hillary won the popular vote by 3 million ballots. How many votes did Donald win by if you don’t count those people who voted illegally?
(a) 1 bazillion
(b) 69 million
(c) Wisconsin is technically the most populous state.
(d) Mexico shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
Answer: Will accept (b), (c), or (d), but “bazillion” is not a number.
8. John McCain is to dumb captured idiot as Donald Trump is to:
(a) Lazy (no)
(b) Dumb (no)
(c) Never captured!
(d) THE FLAG!!!!!!
Answer: Donald Trump owns a lot of casinos.
9. One of the following sentences means approximately the same thing as “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” Choose the one:
(a) “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.”
(b) “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a ten.”
(c) “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”
(d) “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
(e) All of the above
Answer: The locker room!
10. Nine years ago, a Kenyan illegal was elected President. One year ago, a very smart white (technically speaking) man was elected President. Who will be elected President in three years?
(a) A white man
(b) A white woman
(c) A black woman
(d) Ha, “elections”
Answer: (d), but (b) and (c) were very funny jokes.
11. Which of the following does not belong?
(d) Brown people
Answer: (d) ♦