From The Borowitz Report at The New Yorker:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a frenzy of early-morning activity on Saturday, President Donald J. Trump ordered aides to immediately cover every phone in the White House with tin foil, White House sources confirmed.
According to the sources, Trump contacted staffers Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer at approximately 6 a.m. and instructed them to purchase enough tin foil to cover every phone in the building.
The President, still wearing his bathrobe after what was reportedly a sleepless night, personally supervised the tin-foil installation, sources said.
“Wrap it tighter,” he was heard bellowing at Conway.
After the installation was complete, Trump ordered the Secret Service to check every room in the White House for signs of former President Barack Obama.
“He’s still here somewhere, I know it,” Trump reportedly muttered.
The entire interview was like this, kiddos. Questions from Maddow, and answers from Conway that were often essentially, “No. Yes. YesNo. Also NoYes. How is this not clear?” How does Trump feel about his policy on banning Muslims, which originally involved deporting even American citizen Muslims, and banning all Muslim immigrants, but then “softened” into saying ban people from countries with a “history of exporting terrorism”? Has the policy changed? Say words, Kellyanne Conway!
MADDOW: a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. It was very clear. Is that now no longer operable as the statement of the Trump campaign? Should we see this new statement about countries with a history of exporting terrorism, should we see that supplanting that earlier statement?
CONWAY: Well, I don’t think it supplants it at all.
MADDOW: So they both exist?
CONWAY: I think that — well, yes they do, because I think it clarifies it.
Well that just makes all the sense in the world.
“Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there really are jobs Americans won’t do,” Romney reportedly quipped at the annual NRCC dinner.
Good one, Mitt!
While Rubio dances around the electorate’s resentments, Trump revels in them. On primary night in South Carolina, he tapped into their nationalism as he whacked at Mexico and China. “They’ve taken our jobs, they’ve taken our money, they’ve taken our everything,” he declared.
The crowd cheered wildly. “I showed anger and the people of our country are very angry!” Trump later tweeted about his South Carolina victory.
Perkins, the evangelical leader, described the Trump phenomenon’s lack of ideology this way: “You can’t be fearful and thoughtful at the same time.”
From The Daily Kos and Bill in Maine:
To: All Patriotic American Patriots
From: The Office of Republican American Patriotism
RE: This Week’s List of Things To Hate and/or Be Scared Of
The following are the threats to your Homeland community for Dec. 14-18, 2015, as determined by the Republican party:
Bad guys with guns
Good guys with guns who turn out to be bad Muslims with guns
Miniaturized ISIS fighters coming up through your plumbing
Liberals artificially raising sea levels to bolster their phony climate change science
Parents talking to their children positively about gays
Gays conspiring with ISIS fighters and illegals to artificially raise sea levels
Vaginas without government-issued activity monitors
Blacks and Hispanics making a note to vote next November
Creeping Hillary Clinton
Suffocation from a Great Pyramid grain avalanche
Shadows that chillingly resemble your own
Solar panels sucking up all of the sun’s energy
Borders without walls
And as always, “President” Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his simultaneous display of unstoppable dictatorial strong-arm tyranny and spineless lead-from-behind weakness.
For specifics on these and other threats that will get us all killed if we don’t deploy a minimum of 100,000 troops to Syria and ten guns in each American household, please tune to Fox News and/or attend your nearest Republican presidential candidate campaign rally. If you see any suspicious activity not having to do with police officers shooting unarmed black citizens or someone burning down a mosque, please report it to the proper authorities and take refuge in your survival bunker until we give the “all white, all Christian, all clear” signal.
From Politico written by Matt Lattimer:
Target: Your brother-in-law, the loyal Jeb! donor
Arrival: Emerge from a black stretch limousine with gold trim, undercarriage lights, license plate reading: NUMBER 1.
Cocktail hour: Bring your own wine, from your private vineyard—the greatest vineyard in the world. It puts Napa to shame, OK? Offer some to your Bush-loving brother-in-law, who is a teetotaler, and also the host. When he says no, pour the wine into his glass anyway. Say: “Maybe this’ll give you some energy.” Refer to him constantly by an emasculating nickname (Mr. Snooze, Four Percent, Hot Pants). Get the kids onboard with this early.
Dinner: Your over-the-top opinion is required on everything. The cranberry sauce is not good; it’s “fantastic.” The stuffing isn’t just bad; it’s “a total disaster.” Spice up your anecdotes with absurd claims. The White House was named after Betty White. You were the inspiration for the Terminator. If nobody takes the bait, quickly ratchet them up: Many leading rabbis have privately told you that Moses was a “really big Christian.” When anyone objects, deny you just said that, then repeat it as fact as soon as your brother-in-law tries to speak again.
After dinner: Turn the largest available TV to the football game and spend all your time alternately praising Tom Brady (who is not playing) and blasting every other player as a “no-talent loser.” Elbow the kids away from the Monopoly table to show them “how the game is really played.” Start with the Teamsters (you) skimming 10 percent of all rent on the hotels or else “there’s going to be some really ugly accidents.” Hand the 13-year-old banker a $50 under the table. When he notices it’s real, tell him, “There’s more where that came from, OK?” Regardless of actual results, declare victory.
We had to have TLC, the subject of this post from 2011, put to sleep today because of cancer. I thought it would be fitting to repost this as a tribute to her.
When we bought our place here twelve miles outside of town a couple of years ago, three cats came along as part of the deal. For whatever reason, the previous owners didn’t want to take the cats with them when they moved, so we said we’d take over their care because we like cats and it’s always a good idea to have some outside cats on patrol when you live in snake country.
We suspect they all came from the same litter because two of them are solid gray in coloration and one is a combo of white, gray and orange. Two are neutered males and one is a spayed female.
The female has kind of been through the wringer physiologically, because besides being spayed she’d also been declawed and her tail had been cut off right down to its base, with barely a little stump remaining.
For want of much imagination at the time when we moved in, we named her “T.L.C.”, for tail-less cat. The other gray cat is “T.C.”, for tailed cat. The white/gray/orange cat we call “Nemesis” because he tended to pick fights even though he no longer has any “habichuelas” to contribute testosterone to the mix.
It seems he was neutered after he was an adult, so I guess old habits die hard.
T.L.C. apparently had been an indoor/outdoor cat. We learned this early on because she knew how to open the front door by jumping up and hitting the door latch hard, which resulted in the door becoming ajar enough for her to gain entry.
Although T.L.C. had been declawed, we already had an indoor cat and we were afraid the two wouldn’t get along, so T.L.C. has remained an outdoor kitty and despite some attacks from Nemesis, she’d done pretty well.
She even has a “husband” now in the person of Roadie, one of the two cats we rescued after they were dumped on our road as kittens and were living in a drainage culvert. She and Roadie (who was neutered at six months of age) get along famously and he’s been kind of her protector from any of Nemesis’ advances.
But…shit happens, as they say.
A couple weeks ago I noticed that T.L.C.’s left eye was watery and she seemed to be squinting a little more than what she does when she’s in her Love Mode—getting right up in my face while “making biscuits” with her soft paws.
I looked at her eye as best I could and didn’t see anything obvious or any bleeding. She didn’t seem to be in distress, so we just figured she might have scratched her eye on one of the spiny plants that naturally occur here in the hill country.
Her eye appeared to improve for a while, but then it got worse, so I started using some antibiotic eye drops that I had for my Himalayan inside cat.
(Eyes seem to play a big role in my life–from my Mother’s macular degeneration, to Neferkitty’s chronic dry eyes and conjunctivitis, and now T.L.C.’s dilemma.)
This last Friday (ironically the 13th) she had a lot of discharge coming from her eye and the pupil didn’t look right so I took her to our vet, a really nice guy who’s been in practice for many years and who has a wonderful bedside manner.
He took a good look at T.L.C.’s eye and said “You’re not going to like this, but the eye has to come out.” He then showed me how her eyeball had become somewhat shrunken in the socket and that’s why the pupil looked distorted. He thought she’d either been deeply scratched by another cat or her eye had been punctured by something sharp.
Either way, it had become infected inside and was losing fluid. Since the pupil didn’t seem reactive, he felt that she wasn’t seeing much of anything, if at all, out of that eye. He didn’t think it could be saved.
He tried to reassure me by saying that cats do very well with just one eye, but I was too busy mentally kicking myself for being a Bad Mother. (And not “bad” in a good way like 70’s icon John Shaft.)
The vet gave me an antibiotic liquid to give T.L.C. twice a day and said to continue with the eye drops three times a day over the weekend. We scheduled her surgery for today, Monday, at 8:30 in the morning. *Sigh*
We isolated T.L.C. in the room off the carport so I could give her the meds. easily and just to keep her as comfortable as possible. Through this whole thing she never stopped purring and wanting to be petted.
If it were me, I’d be pissed. But that’s the beauty of pets—unconditional love, whether we deserve it or not.
This morning, after a little over two days of antibiotics, we were surprised to see that the discharge had lessened to just some wateriness and that the pupil seemed to be more normal and appeared to be reactive to light.
But still—over the weekend I’d done a lot of Googling about her condition and thought that maybe this was just wishful thinking on my part. I really, really didn’t want her to have to lose her eye. She’d been through a lot of physical trauma in her life and still was the sweetest cat.
I reluctantly left her off at the vet’s office at 8:30 and did some errands in town for a couple of hours. Just after I got home the phone rang and it was the vet. My first thought was, “Oh, no…something bad has happened during surgery…it was cancerous…or worse…she didn’t make it through the operation.”
My mind tends to work that way. Just ask my husband.
But, thankfully, no! The vet said that he had wanted to take another look at her eye before his assistants prepped T.L.C. for surgery. He said he was amazed (his word) at how good it looked. He had even thought that maybe it wasn’t the same cat! So he called off the surgery and wants to continue with the eye drops to see how she does. He said the puncture wound may have sealed itself (it happens). That, along with the antibiotics, may have been enough to allow the fluid in the eye to restore the shape to the eyeball and reactivity to the pupil.
She isn’t entirely out of the woods yet, but he feels that she certainly is doing so much better that she deserves a shot at preserving her eye.
T.L.C. is home and back in her recovery room, having a welcome meal of kitty crunchies and is being spoiled rotten.