From The Borowitz Report at The New Yorker:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a frenzy of early-morning activity on Saturday, President Donald J. Trump ordered aides to immediately cover every phone in the White House with tin foil, White House sources confirmed.
According to the sources, Trump contacted staffers Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer at approximately 6 a.m. and instructed them to purchase enough tin foil to cover every phone in the building.
The President, still wearing his bathrobe after what was reportedly a sleepless night, personally supervised the tin-foil installation, sources said.
“Wrap it tighter,” he was heard bellowing at Conway.
After the installation was complete, Trump ordered the Secret Service to check every room in the White House for signs of former President Barack Obama.
“He’s still here somewhere, I know it,” Trump reportedly muttered.
The entire interview was like this, kiddos. Questions from Maddow, and answers from Conway that were often essentially, “No. Yes. YesNo. Also NoYes. How is this not clear?” How does Trump feel about his policy on banning Muslims, which originally involved deporting even American citizen Muslims, and banning all Muslim immigrants, but then “softened” into saying ban people from countries with a “history of exporting terrorism”? Has the policy changed? Say words, Kellyanne Conway!
MADDOW: a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. It was very clear. Is that now no longer operable as the statement of the Trump campaign? Should we see this new statement about countries with a history of exporting terrorism, should we see that supplanting that earlier statement?
CONWAY: Well, I don’t think it supplants it at all.
MADDOW: So they both exist?
CONWAY: I think that — well, yes they do, because I think it clarifies it.
Well that just makes all the sense in the world.
“Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there really are jobs Americans won’t do,” Romney reportedly quipped at the annual NRCC dinner.
Good one, Mitt!
While Rubio dances around the electorate’s resentments, Trump revels in them. On primary night in South Carolina, he tapped into their nationalism as he whacked at Mexico and China. “They’ve taken our jobs, they’ve taken our money, they’ve taken our everything,” he declared.
The crowd cheered wildly. “I showed anger and the people of our country are very angry!” Trump later tweeted about his South Carolina victory.
Perkins, the evangelical leader, described the Trump phenomenon’s lack of ideology this way: “You can’t be fearful and thoughtful at the same time.”
From The Daily Kos and Bill in Maine:
To: All Patriotic American Patriots
From: The Office of Republican American Patriotism
RE: This Week’s List of Things To Hate and/or Be Scared Of
The following are the threats to your Homeland community for Dec. 14-18, 2015, as determined by the Republican party:
Bad guys with guns
Good guys with guns who turn out to be bad Muslims with guns
Miniaturized ISIS fighters coming up through your plumbing
Liberals artificially raising sea levels to bolster their phony climate change science
Parents talking to their children positively about gays
Gays conspiring with ISIS fighters and illegals to artificially raise sea levels
Vaginas without government-issued activity monitors
Blacks and Hispanics making a note to vote next November
Creeping Hillary Clinton
Suffocation from a Great Pyramid grain avalanche
Shadows that chillingly resemble your own
Solar panels sucking up all of the sun’s energy
Borders without walls
And as always, “President” Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his simultaneous display of unstoppable dictatorial strong-arm tyranny and spineless lead-from-behind weakness.
For specifics on these and other threats that will get us all killed if we don’t deploy a minimum of 100,000 troops to Syria and ten guns in each American household, please tune to Fox News and/or attend your nearest Republican presidential candidate campaign rally. If you see any suspicious activity not having to do with police officers shooting unarmed black citizens or someone burning down a mosque, please report it to the proper authorities and take refuge in your survival bunker until we give the “all white, all Christian, all clear” signal.
From Politico written by Matt Lattimer:
Target: Your brother-in-law, the loyal Jeb! donor
Arrival: Emerge from a black stretch limousine with gold trim, undercarriage lights, license plate reading: NUMBER 1.
Cocktail hour: Bring your own wine, from your private vineyard—the greatest vineyard in the world. It puts Napa to shame, OK? Offer some to your Bush-loving brother-in-law, who is a teetotaler, and also the host. When he says no, pour the wine into his glass anyway. Say: “Maybe this’ll give you some energy.” Refer to him constantly by an emasculating nickname (Mr. Snooze, Four Percent, Hot Pants). Get the kids onboard with this early.
Dinner: Your over-the-top opinion is required on everything. The cranberry sauce is not good; it’s “fantastic.” The stuffing isn’t just bad; it’s “a total disaster.” Spice up your anecdotes with absurd claims. The White House was named after Betty White. You were the inspiration for the Terminator. If nobody takes the bait, quickly ratchet them up: Many leading rabbis have privately told you that Moses was a “really big Christian.” When anyone objects, deny you just said that, then repeat it as fact as soon as your brother-in-law tries to speak again.
After dinner: Turn the largest available TV to the football game and spend all your time alternately praising Tom Brady (who is not playing) and blasting every other player as a “no-talent loser.” Elbow the kids away from the Monopoly table to show them “how the game is really played.” Start with the Teamsters (you) skimming 10 percent of all rent on the hotels or else “there’s going to be some really ugly accidents.” Hand the 13-year-old banker a $50 under the table. When he notices it’s real, tell him, “There’s more where that came from, OK?” Regardless of actual results, declare victory.