From the New Yorker, by Mark Remy:
Hello, and welcome to the official Web page of the Holiday Enforcement Administration, a division of the U.S. Department of Jesus.
Due to the overwhelming number of queries we’ve received since the passage of the Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act, we ask that you browse our F.A.Q. before contacting us. It’s possible that we’ve already answered your question!
Thank you, and Merry Christmas.
What is the Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act, and when did it become law?
The Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act (caca) prohibits the use of the phrase “happy holidays” while mandating the use of “Merry Christmas.” It was signed into law by President Donald J. Trump on October 31, 2017. Merry Christmas.
Some of my best friends are Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/atheist/coastal élites. Must they say “Merry Christmas” as well?
Even if they’re alone? Like, in an otherwise empty elevator?
What happens if they refuse?
We hope it won’t come to that.
I’ve heard that Jesus is “the reason for the season.” Is this true?
Yes. That phrase actually originated with Christ himself and is a testament to His knack for catchy rhymes.
If Jesus were alive today, would he insist that everyone say “Merry Christmas”?
Yes. Scripture is very clear on this matter.
What is the origin of the word “Christmas”?
The word itself is Spanish, meaning “more Christ.”
That reminds me—what was the deal with Trump and that taco bowl?
For questions regarding President Trump’s appreciation for Mexican food, please see the official Web page of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s Bureau of Hispanic Love.
I’ve been saying “Merry Christmas” for years, and no one has ever complained or tried to stop me. Have I been doing it wrong?
Yes. Probably you aren’t being heard properly. A bullhorn is a simple and effective way to amplify your message, particularly in a large crowd—e.g., cocktail party, music concert, packed courtroom. (A bullhorn also makes a great Christmas present—our special-edition caca model, seventy-nine dollars, delivers fifty watts of joyous sound, in Voice or Siren Mode, and comes swaddled in a padded carrying case.)
Someone recently said “Happy Christmas” to me and I didn’t know how to react. Can you help?
The correct phrase is “Merry Christmas.” “Happy Christmas,” a British bastardization, is not an acceptable substitute. Make that clear by giving the offender a gag “ticket” from our online store (twelve dollars for a pad of fifty). Then report him or her to us via this confidential form. We will take it from there!
What should I do if I wish someone a Merry Christmas and they fail to wish me a Merry Christmas in return?
I enjoy saying “Merry Christmas” but wish I could employ the phrase more relentlessly. Any tips?
There are many ways you can incorporate “Merry Christmas” into your day-to-day life. Try answering the phone with “Merry Christmas” instead of “hello.” Rather than saying “I’m sorry” or “Huh?” or “Oh, my God! Are you O.K.?” say “Merry Christmas.” In lieu of a tip, offer your server or barista a loud and proud “merry christmas!” on your way out, and watch their faces light up.
By the way, don’t feel as if you need a reason to wish someone Merry Christmas—there’s nothing wrong with just opening a window and shouting it, or mouthing the phrase to fellow motorists during rush hour. Remember, too, that every day except Sunday you have an opportunity to wish your mailman a Merry Christmas.
You mean “letter carrier,” right? Ours is a woman.
No. We are saying “mailman” again.
I find the phrase “Merry Christmas” insufficiently pious. How can I ramp up the religiosity?
Many people are warming to the phrase “Merry Jesuschristmas.”
Isn’t this whole thing a non-issue? A manufactured “controversy” designed to deepen divides, feed false notions of victimhood, and distract from the plethora of real scandals, failures, and ethical lapses that have plagued this Administration from Day One?
We said, merry christmas.