6

Idle Hands Are The Trumps’ Playground

So. I’ve been trying these past few weeks to wrap my head around the outcome of the presidential election. I haven’t been very successful at it. I take a lot of deep breaths and tell myself to calm down, it can’t possibly be as bad as I imagine it will be.

But as it turns out—it already is.

Der Führer went on a “victory tour” yesterday and exulted in his crushing defeat of his foe (nevermind those 3 million more votes she got, which weren’t illegally gained, by the way.) He railed against the “dishonest” media, yet again, and continued his call for flag burning to be cause for loss of one’s citizenship, despite the fact that that has been proven to be un-Constitutional.

Hey, no biggie. Or bigly. Der Führer is calling the shots and when he says throw out the Constitution, we will respond by saying “How far?”

Anyhoo. I am tired of waking up in a cold sweat at 3:00 in the morning. During menopause I used to wake up in a hot sweat. I’ll take that over this any day.

So I’ve been pushing myself to get crafty (not Trump crafty, but actual craft-making crafty) and make some Christmas decorations. Since my maternal great-grandparents were from Norway, I used to have several of those red and white paper woven heart baskets that I had made when my son was a baby—50 years ago now.

But, cue the violins, all of my Christmas decorations were stolen from a storage unit a couple of years ago by a Grinch-like thief, so I decided to make some more.

This time out of felt.

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Then, figuring I’m on a roll (and hoping my fingers will last a little longer before going numb from the exertion), I found some designs on the interwebs for a Dala horse and a bird. These two are pretty small, around two to three inches in length, but my artificial Christmas tree is pretty small too, so they should work just fine.

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Then, my daughter saw them and requested a little larger Dala horse in slightly retro colors to go with her decor.

Et voilà!

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And lastly, in an “idle hands are the Trumps’ playground” fervor, I souped up a standard gingerbread house my grandkids sold to raise money for their school. It came pre-assembled with a kind of puny pack of candy and a bag of white royal icing.

I, however, had biglier plans.

I went to Walmart and bought a couple packages of pre-made cake decorations in the shape of Christmas lights and also a bag of red cookie icing. Then, being on a felt “bender,” I made a 3-D Snoopy.

The decorating process was somewhat excruciating—the royal icing was too watery at first and then too dry and kept oozing out of the zip-lock bag they provided. I always say “Next year I make my own!” and this time I mean it. If Alton Brown can do it, so can I.

The results were pretty satisfying, even though I was a wreck by the time I finished.

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So, that’s what I’ve been doing to try to retain my sanity. How about you?

How are you coping in the post-Trumpian Apocalypse?

2

Isn’t He Adorable?

Chris Christie on last night’s dumpster fire, otherwise known as Ted Cruz’s “endorsement” speech of Donald Trump at the GOP convention:

“I think it was awful,” Christie said. “And quite frankly, I think it was something selfish. And he signed a pledge. And it’s his job to keep his word.”

This from the man who gave his party’s keynote speech for Romney in 2012 but spoke mainly about his own accomplishments.

2

What’s Your Trumposcope Today?

As a Gemini, I am ashamed to be in the same zodiac sign as Donald Trump. However, my Trumposcope for today is pretty great. And since Boris Johnson, coincidentally, is a Gemini too, we’re all winners!

From The Daily Kos, by Bill in Maine:

Today’s Trumposcopes

Aries The world is your down escalator. Take time to smell the leather throughout the spacious cabin of your luxuriously-appointed private jet. Tonight: throw eggs at George Will’s gazebo. It’s made of sub-par materials and will crumble easily. He paid full price—bad deal!

Taurus Send out an anti-Semitic tweet without consulting your campaign staff because who wears the pants around here, I do! Cancel your cable service because all the news coverage is totally in the bag for Hillary and RIGGED!

Gemini If you’re a Gemini like me you are among the very best people, I can tell you that. You’re very smart, negotiate great deals and you are going to make America great again. Tonight: get a manicure for those big, totally beautiful hands that are not small no matter what George Stephanopoulos says behind your back, and I know he says these things because people have told me.

Cancer Deal with a major world crisis by cutting a grand-opening ribbon at your new golf resort or large, beautiful building with your name on it. Calm fears by sending out a tweet quantifying how things are going to work out so well for you.

Leo A good day to accuse your friends, family and co-workers of being murderers and rapists. But don’t forget to mention that maybe some of them might also be nice people. Order more hats.

Virgo You can have a speaking slot at the Republican convention if you want it. Seriously, there are tons of very beautiful and great slots open. Please indicate if you would like to take the lectern after Scott Baio, Victoria Jackson or Kirk Cameron. Great and very influential patriots!

Libra Build a wall and make your neighbor pay for it! If they complain, waterboard them or worse!  Remember: exclamation points are your friends!!!!!!!!

Scorpio You share your sign with Crooked Hillary, so the only thing to do is turn yourself in to our fine officers in blue and spend the rest of your life in jail. Sad!

Sagittarius You’re such a liar and a fraud and probably a Pisces! Get out! Out! Leave this horoscope now! Security, get ’em out! Out! Use your fists, people! I’ll pay your legal bills!

Capricorn Express your opposition to immigration reform by accusing illegals of smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana across the border in their spleens. If someone voices skepticism, question their patriotism and inform them that the wall just got ten feet higher.

Aquarius A great day to declare bankruptcy…but don’t call it bankruptcy, call it asset reallocation. Get many more amazing tips like this on your way to becoming a millionaire in your spare time by attending advanced Trump University learning opportunities for only $35,000. (Paid in advance to the guy behind the dumpster under the bridge.)

Pisces All pisces are banned from having access to their horoscope until we figure out what’s going on.