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More Fun With Virtual Paintout

Costume department of the Dutch Opera and Ballet

dutch opera and ballet

van gogh full

Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

 

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Young Rudy Giuliani Defends Himself

From the New York Times, written by the hilarious Teddy Wayne:

1951. Seven-year-old Rudy Giuliani is caught by his mother with his hand in the cookie jar and crumbs around his mouth.

MRS. GIULIANI: Rudy, I told you not to eat the cookies!

RUDY: You said, “Don’t not eat the cookies.”

MRS. GIULIANI: I didn’t say that.

RUDY: You just admitted “I didn’t not say that.”

MRS. GIULIANI: You’re adding “not” to sentences to make them mean the opposite.

RUDY: (laughs boisterously) I’ve listened to hundreds of maternal statements, and it wasn’t until the third time I replayed what you said in my mind, because there’s no way to easily record conversations in the current year — 1951 — that I heard the “not.” And even if your original statement is what you didn’t not say it wasn’t not, could you actually prove that I ate multiple cookies?

MRS. GIULIANI: No, but that’s beside the —

RUDY: Being told “don’t eat the cookies” and eating a single cookie isn’t a federal crime, correct?

MRS. GIULIANI: We’re moving the goal posts from “I didn’t eat the cookies” to “I ate a single cookie, which isn’t a federal crime”?

RUDY: Who tipped you off to the alleged cookie theft?

MRS. GIULIANI: Your cousin.

RUDY: Cousin Michael’s been a known liar and a tattler for years.

MRS. GIULIANI: Two days ago, when he swore you didn’t finish the apple pie cooling on the window sill, you said he was “an honest and honorable cousin.”

RUDY: That was before he made these ridiculous allegations. What kind of scoundrel watches his cousin eat a pie off a window sill?

MRS. GIULIANI: So you’re confessing that you did eat the pie?

RUDY: Hypothetically, when in fact I wasn’t there, and also there never was a pie. Or a window sill.

 

1955. Eleven-year-old Rudy enters a classroom.

TEACHER: I think you cheated on your math test.

RUDY: (laughs boisterously) My dog ate my homework.

TEACHER: What does your dog eating your homework have to do with cheating on a test?

RUDY: You’ll have to ask the dog, except the dog refuses to speak. (pauses) Another dog was involved.

TEACHER: Another dog? How many does your family own?

RUDY: One. Two? (Bonks own head with fist several times.) Six.

TEACHER: You have six dogs?

RUDY: Is that a federal crime in the year 1955? So, with 16 dogs, what are the odds one of them didn’t eat my homework?

TEACHER: I still don’t see how eating the homework has anything to do with cheating on the test.

RUDY: Well, now we’re discussing two different cases here: the eating and the cheating. Did one of the dogs present at the eating also participate in the cheating, which never took place?

TEACHER: I’m sending you to the principal’s office.

RUDY: The principal has to submit a list of questions to me. If and when I approve of his scope, I can give him 20 minutes between lunch and recess.

TEACHER: You’re the one in trouble. You don’t get to make up the rules.

RUDY: Ten minutes. Five. The meeting’s off.

1959. Fifteen-year-old Rudy is cornered in the school bathroom by a bully.

BULLY: I saw you talkin’ to my girlfriend, Giuliani! Don’t deny nothin’ or I’ll cream ya!

RUDY: (scared) O.K., it was me.

BULLY: You admitted it! Get ready for a knuckle sandwich, Giuliani!

RUDY: By “it was me,” I mean that I first spoke as myself, then I quickly dressed as your girlfriend so it would look like I was talking to her.

BULLY: Why would you dress up like my girlfriend, Giuliani?

RUDY: For a joke; we have such rigidly constructed gender roles now that wearing the clothes of the opposite sex produces a subversive comic tension, as in the contemporary movie “Some Like It Hot.” For instance, you refer to me by my surname, as bullies in the 1950s tend to; you wouldn’t if I were female.

BULLY: You think dis is funny, Giuliani?

RUDY: Look, I have no idea, others seem to, and my guess is that it will be humorous for a while, even for national political figures, but in about 60 years our views on gender will evolve so that cross-dressing will no longer be as shocking and, when played for cheap laughs, may even be regarded as offensive.

BULLY: You’re trynta distract me from givin’ you a lickin’ by theorizin’ about the roles of gender and fashion in society, Giuliani!

RUDY: (laughs boisterously as he gets beaten up)