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The Vice President Says He Didn’t Wear a Mask So That He Could Look People in the Eye

 From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

“I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to be here, to be able to speak to these researchers, these incredible health care personnel, and look them in the eye and say thank you.“—Mike Pence at the Mayo Clinic

Yes, that is the vice president* of the United States, and the White House point man on the greatest public-health crisis in a century, admitting that he doesn’t know the difference between a mask and a blindfold. It makes a public mockery of everything Pence and his task force allegedly are doing. It makes a mockery of all the people who have upended their lives on his advice.

OK, so Mike Pence is a bag of hammers. We’ve known that for years. But it’s hard not to conclude that his boneheaded recklessness on Tuesday was prompted by Pence’s desire to prove to the president*, who’s already said he won’t wear a mask because it poses a danger to his perpetually threatened manhood, that Pence is on the team. In other words, Pence didn’t have the simple decency to appear masked in a hospital clinic in the middle of a pandemic because, in this administration*, simple decency is an act of courage beyond Mike Pence’s capabilities. He has the gallows in one eye and Nikki Haley in the other.

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That Great American…William Shakespeare?

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) said Sunday the United States should reconsider visas granted to Chinese students interested in science and technology, accusing the students of taking American intellectual property back to China and predicting Chinese officials would steal information on the coronavirus vaccine American researchers are developing.

To prevent discoveries about an eventual vaccine from reaching the Chinese government, the United States should ensure that exchange students from China study American culture instead of science-related subjects, Cotton said, incorrectly suggesting English playwright William Shakespeare was an American figure.

If Chinese students want to come here and study Shakespeare and the Federalist Papers, that’s what they need to learn from America,” he told Bartiromo in the interview, which began trending on Twitter. “They don’t need to learn quantum computing and artificial intelligence from America.”

The Mad Student Survival Guide For Those Bored Of Education (Mad ...

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Imagine Running Public Relations for Lysol Right Now

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

The President* of the United States said the following at Thursday’s episode of the Five O’Clock Follies:

“The disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning. It gets in the lungs.”

This spasm of thought-like activity was occasioned by a report delivered by Bill Bryan, the head of the science and technology division of the Department of Homeland Security. Bryan mentioned that, yes, disinfectants like Lysol are effective in killing the coronavirus on things like playground equipment, handrails, and doorknobs. Bryan also reported that the virus seems to die in bright sunlight and in warmer and more humid weather.

Then, with every spark gap in his mighty brain sizzling and cracking, the president* launched into the above improv while, over on the sidelines, Dr. Deborah Birx suddenly found herself in a thousand memes, looking as though she’d been hit on the head with a polo mallet. El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago was really rolling, folks. He was one step away from advising Birx to go out and find a virgin to toss into a volcano.

Dear America,

Lysol should not be taken internally. Also, half-mad, malignant television personalities should not be elected president.

God help us all.

Sincerely,

The Management

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Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.

Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”

“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”

Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”

“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.

Dan Patrick speaking to the press

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Strap On Those HazMat Suits and Go Get a Haircut

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

Governor Brian Kemp has given all Georgians permission to infect each other.

Everybody zip up those outer-space HazMat suits and go down and get yourself a haircut, provided the cord feeding you oxygen can stretch from your house in Decatur to Mutt’s Haircutting Place and Feed Store in Waycross. Now that Governor Brian Kemp has given all Georgians permission to infect each other, we’ve got to isolate that place so Georgians don’t infect the rest of us. Start building the big old bubble. Do it now.

(Kemp, you may recall, is the brainiac who was the last person on Earth to know that the coronavirus can be transmitted by asymptomatic carriers. What the hell, the guy probably shouldn’t be governor anyway.)

The list of non-essential businesses that Kemp is going to allow to reopen includes gyms, fitness centers, bowling alleys, body art studios, barbers, cosmetologists, hair designers, and nail-care artists. It sounds like Kemp is declaring that every strip mall in the state is now open for business, but it’s hard to imagine a list of businesses that would be more susceptible to the spread of epidemic disease. Can a hairstylist work from six feet away? Can a tattooist use a six-foot needle? And opening bowling alleys but keeping bars closed? Does Kemp understand how he is profaning the very spirit of bowling in that way?

Moreover, Governor Bill Lee of Tennessee and Henry McMaster of South Carolina both look as though they’re following Kemp’s lead. We’re going to need a bigger bubble.

 

hazmat suits