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And They’ll Get The Instructions From Ikea

From BREAKING BURGH A SATIRICAL BLOG SERVING WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA AND BEYOND

(Oslo, Kingdom of Norway) Having been alerted to the horrific terror attacks plaguing Sweden recently, the Norwegian government has decided it will not stand idly by and let the horrendous violence spread to its territory.

“We’d like to thank President Trump for bringing these atrocities in our backgarden to our attention.”

In order to protect itself, Norway has decided to build a secure wall along the border between the two countries that runs through the Scandinavian Mountains.

“Some losers are saying a fence would be better – don’t listen to them.”

Despite experts saying the wall would be enormously difficult to construct and could easily be bypassed using ladders or tunnels, Minister of Migration and Integration Sylvi Listhaug insisted on twitter using the hashtag #Byggenmur that she will not be deterred.

The construction of the wall through rugged mountainous terrain is expected to cost an enormous sum, however that will not pose a problem.

“We’re going to make Sweden pay for it.”

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Oh. Well, That Explains It.

Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly softened the administration’s rhetoric on immigration Thursday, contradicting President Donald Trump’s characterization of his deportation plan as he and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson sought to repair the strained relationship between the U.S. and Mexico.

“There will be no — repeat — no mass deportations. Everything we do in DHS will be done legally and according to human rights and the legal justice system of the United States,” Kelly said Thursday at a joint press conference in Mexico City with Tillerson and Mexican officials.

“And again, listen to this. No — repeat — no use of military force in immigration operations. None,” he added. “At least half of you try to get that right because it continually comes up in the reporting.”

While his message likely played well with Mexican officials, Kelly’s comments ran counter to what Trump himself had said just hours earlier. Claiming that the U.S. “for the first time” was rooting out gang members and drug lords, Trump told reporters “it’s a military operation.”

Asked about the mixed messages, White House press secretary Sean Spicer blamed the different statements on semantics.

“The president was using that as an adjective,” he said. “The president was clearly describing the manner in which this was being done.”

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Kellyanne Conartist Lived Under a Rock for the Last Eight Years

That’s the only explanation for this comment:

“I mean, to see sort of congenital, presumptive obstruction and negativity is very concerning,” she continued, “because it just means that the government can’t function fully, and that they’re obstructing regardless of who the individual is that’s being considered, regardless of the post that needs to be filled. And it’s very frustrating.”

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Pussy Grabbing, OK. Winky Grabbing? They Draw the Line.

From Politico:

Milo Yiannopoulos lost his keynote speaking slot at the Conservative Political Action Conference after tapes surfaced of the right wing provocateur and senior Breitbart editor advocating for sexual relationships between “younger boys and older men.”

“Due to the revelation of an offensive video in the past 24 hours condoning pedophilia, the American Conservative Union has decided to rescind the invitation,” said Matt Schlapp, chairman of the group which sponsors CPAC, in a statement Monday afternoon. The group called Yiannopoulos to “further address these disturbing comments,” but defended its original decision to invite him as a nod to “the free speech issue on college campuses.”

“The Milo Test,” wrote Charlie Sykes, a conservative former radio host who has written critically of the Republican Party since the rise of Trump. “Anti-Semitism, ok. Racism, ok. Alt Right, ok. Advocacy of pedophilia? Is THAT the bridge too far?”

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Bored of Education

From Politico:

In quoting civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois, the Department of Education on Sunday sent out a tweet misspelling his name. And then it sent out an apology that misspelled the word “apologies.”

“Education must not simply teach work – it must teach life. – W.E.B. DeBois,” the Department of Education tweeted at 8:45 a.m.

The Twitter account rewrote the tweet over three hours later, correcting the spelling of Du Bois’ name, followed by a tweet saying: “Post updated – our deepest apologies for the earlier typo.”

That tweet also had a spelling error, with it first saying “apologizes” rather than “apologies.”

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Them’s Fightin’ Words, Boy.

So Miss Lindsey Graham mansplained why Yertle the Turtle McConnell just had to put down that uppity woman, Elizabeth Warren, last night.

She had it comin’.

The South Carolina senator appeared on the Mike Gallagher Show Wednesday, where he said Warren reading the letter from Coretta Scott King — in which she expressed opposition to Jeff Sessions’ nomination to the federal bench in 1986 — was defamatory to Sessions, now an Alabama senator. The Massachusetts Democrat was ruled to be in violation of Senate rules for impugning another senator.

“The bottom line is, it was long overdue with her,” he said. “I mean, she is clearly running for the nomination in 2020.”

Pay no nevermind to Joe Wilson and his “You lie!” that was shouted out to President Obama at his first State of the Union Address.

And y’all just ignore when Ted Cruz called Yertle himself a liar on the floor of the Senate.

No.  Miss Lindsey is clutching her pearls and is appalled that a (real) woman would dare to impugn another member of his illustrious male club by reading what another (real) woman had to say about the racist past of his nominee for Attorney General of the United States.

How dare she? Why, I nevah!

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