1

Fun Fact About Prince Philip (A Fellow Gemini)

From The Daily Beast:

Prince Philip was well aware of his status as an outsider in the royal family; the queen mother called him “The Hun” and even dutiful Diana dubbed him “Phil the Greek.” But he had a retort for every occasion. Ian Lloyd, in his book, 100 Chapters in the Life of Prince Philip, recounts an incident when Philip was sailing off the Isle of Wight one year during the sailing regatta, Cowes Week. The skipper of another boat hailed him as ‘Stavros’ and bellowed nautically at him to move out of the way as he had priority. “It’s not Stavros,” shot back Philip, “and it’s my wife’s fucking water, so I’ll do what I fucking well please.”

1

Quote of the Day

From The Washington Post, by Michael Gerson:

“Congressional Republicans who criticize Fauci to prove their populist manhood are even more pathetic. Their self-abasement is voluntary. Watching Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) debate science with Fauci during committee hearings is like watching Albert Einstein being disputed by his dry cleaner.

Fauci deserves his Presidential Medal of Freedom just for his heroic forbearance.

All these critics of Fauci have chosen to attack the citadel of science at its strongest point. With squirt guns. While naked and blowing kazoos.”

4

Some people were worried about a nonexistent problem, so we made a real one

Satire from The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

“Those are the concerns my constituents have. Whether they are overblown, it’s hard to say.”

— Georgia state Sen. Larry Walker, quoted in the Wall Street Journal on the new restrictive voting law he said was necessary to combat his constituents’ concerns about voter fraud

Hi, yes, we heard people were worried about demons getting into the water supply, so now we’ve passed a little tiny law saying you have to sprinkle holy water on the faucet every time you turn it on. If people have these concerns, it’s our job to address them! Sorry about the inconvenience. Yes, I am the only person who sells Faucet Holy Water™, so technically this does benefit me, but I mostly just care about addressing constituent concerns.

Hi, yes, we saw that some people were worried about a UFO landing on the community playground and replacing all the children with empty spacesuits full of bees. Yes, technically, this has never happened to anyone, but it would sure be terrible to be the first — so we have put up an electrified UFO-proof fence around the playground! This will keep all the UFOs out. Also, the kids won’t be able to use it, but this will help keep them safe from UFOs, so, win-win!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was afraid of being slain by sky dolphins, so we have put a big net over the entire city. The net really won’t affect you unless you want to go outdoors!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned that if their 11-year-old was allowed to receive any mail, they would inevitably be summoned to to an expensive out-of-state boarding school for wizards, so we have canceled all mail delivery! Sorry, USPS! Sorry, everyone! We must take these concerns seriously.

Hi, yes, someone was concerned that if he stared too long at a stoplight he would turn into a lizard (really unclear why he thought this but not our job to judge)! We’ve gotten rid of all the stoplights.

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned that if cats ever learned to read, they would turn on us, so we will be coming door-to-door to repossess your cat. I don’t make the rules, except in the limited, technical sense that I am the lawmaker responsible for making this rule! People’s concerns, however dubiously grounded, are my only god, and I follow wherever they lead.

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned about witches loose on the subway, so we are now requiring everyone who wants to board public transit to quickly be tested via the ducking stool! Sorry for the inconvenience, but no concern is too invalid not to demand that we completely rejigger a system that was working fine before.

Hi, yes, someone was concerned that these laws were overkill in response to fictional concerns, which made her neighbor worried that that person was a witch, so we have dropped the skepticinto a pond and are waiting to hear back!

Hi, yes, we saw that someone was concerned about voter fraud, so we are banning anyone besides poll workers from offering water to people waiting in line to vote, curtailing drop boxes, throwing out the votes of anyone who votes out of precinct with a provisional ballot before 5 p.m. and virtually ensuring that election certification will be controlled by Republicans! No, we don’t have any evidence of actual fraud, but that doesn’t matter. Of course this is in good faith, not a cynical ploy rooted in the deeply racist history of voter suppression. Someone had a concern. It’s our job to address every concern.

Seven White male lawmakers signing voter suppression law while Black female lawmaker is arrested outside for knocking on the door.
5

Georgia Governor Declares Water a Gateway Drug That Leads to Voting

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Raising the ante in his ongoing battle with the aqueous substance, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has declared water “a gateway drug that leads to voting.”

“We’ve consulted a lot of studies on this,” he said. “People are much more likely to vote if they are under the influence of water.”

The governor said that he was considering a number of measures to address water addiction, including stiffer penalties for voting while quenching.

In his starkest warning, Kemp told those who traffic in the banned liquid, “We’re coming after you,” and promised prison time for anyone combining hydrogen and oxygen in illegal water labs.