Category Archives: Humor
Yeah, But Can They Parallel Park?
‘All I Want For Christmas is a Goat’ is this year’s most important Christmas album. The album, which consists of eight Christmas carols, has been produced to draw attention to the work that ActionAid conducts and show the difference that this year’s most important Christmas present – the goat – can contribute in areas where there is great poverty. Read more about ActionAid’s work and buy a goat athttp://www.actionaid.se/ The entire album is also available on Spotify: http://spoti.fi/1Oqevrc
Hell Hath No Fury Like a Trump Scorned
(CNN) Former President Donald Trump railed against his one-time close ally Benjamin Netanyahu in a new interview series, saying he felt betrayed by the then-prime minister of Israel’s call to Joe Biden congratulating him on winning the presidency. “It was early. OK? Let’s put it this way — he greeted him very early. Earlier than most world leaders. I’ve not spoken to him since. F**k him,” Trump told Israeli journalist Barak Ravid during an April interview which was published by Axios Friday. Discussing his decision to recognize Jerusalem as the capital of Israel — upending decades of US policy and international consensus — as well as recognizing Israel’s sovereignty over the Golan Heights, captured from Syria during a war in 1967, Trump laid out why he felt so embittered.
“There was no one who did more for Netanyahu than me. There was no one who did for Israel more than I did. And the first person to run to greet Joe Biden was Netanyahu. And not only did he congratulate him — he did it in a video. If you look at the leaders of other countries — like Brazil — he waited months. Putin. Many other leaders. Mexico. All of them also felt that the election was over. But they, too, were waiting. No one did more than me for Bibi. Money too. We gave them a lot of money and gave them soldiers. We did everything.”
Bannon Arrested for Contempt of Soap
Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what congressional Republicans are calling an act of flagrant overreach by the Department of Justice, the former Donald Trump adviser Steve Bannon has been arrested for contempt of soap.
The basis for the arrest is a rarely enforced 1858 statute requiring White House employees to conform to minimal standards of hygiene during their tenure with the executive branch.
A defiant Bannon said that he would fight the federal government’s “outrageous” attempt to make him come into contact with soap and water, and declared that his avoidance of both was a life-style choice.
“You can lock me up but you can’t hose me down,” he thundered.
Trump’s Lawyers Lost Another Case in Which They Relied on Extreme Nonsense
From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:
There are several things I’ve noticed about the lawyers employed by El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago, besides that a) some of them show no signs of having, you know, been to law school, and b) none of them are likely to get paid. Perhaps because of these two facts, and perhaps because their client is a delusional nutball, these lawyers take the most extreme positions possible at almost every opportunity. These include assertions of privilege and confidentiality that exist only amid the Special Sauce-encrusted stalactites of their client’s mind. This gives the judges to whom these arguments are presented no choice but to toss the former president*’s case completely—and rapidly—out of court. It also gives federal judges a chance to crack wise from the bench, and you never want to do that.
For example, on Tuesday night, for the second time in two days, Judge Tanya Chutkan 86’d the former president*’s effort to shield records and documents from the special congressional committee investigating the insurrection on January 6. Currently, this material is stored at the National Archives, and the former president* is transparently desperate to make sure it stays there, locked away amid Lincoln’s breakfast orders and rum-stained early drafts of the Hay–Bunau-Varilla Treaty. Late Monday night, she refused to issue an emergency order blocking the transfer of the material. And then, on Tuesday, Judge Chutkan made it official. From CNBC:
“At bottom, this is a dispute between a former and incumbent President,” Chutkan wrote in a 39-page opinion. “And the Supreme Court has already made clear that in such circumstances, the incumbent’s view is accorded greater weight.” Trump’s view “appears to be premised on the notion that his executive power ‘exists in perpetuity,’” Chutkan wrote.
“But presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.”
Ooooh, as the kidz say, snap!
The problem with this approach, besides the fact that it always loses, is that it doesn’t give the judge any room to ponder. The arguments are so threadbare and the theories on which those arguments are based so comically absurd that they don’t give most judges anything to chew over. Lawyers like to present arguments that cause a judge to say, “Let me think that over.” (Judges love to ponder.) The Trump legal teams consistently present arguments that cause judges to say, “No, seriously, what’s your point?” This is not helpful.
The former president* will appeal this ruling because that’s what he does. But the U.S. Congress isn’t some unlucky glazier from New Jersey. He can’t money-whip it into exhaustion and defeat. So he will send his lawyers once more unto the breach with increasingly preposterous arguments and legal theories developed by the renowned law professor, Dr. Otto Yerass. The hope for the Republic is that, sooner or later, he’ll run out of bad lawyers and/or judges willing to listen to this nonsense.
Bannon Caught Fleeing U.S. Disguised as Man Who Recently Took Shower
Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Steve Bannon was caught attempting to flee the United States disguised as a man who had recently taken a shower, T.S.A. officials have confirmed.
A T.S.A. agent at Reagan National Airport, Harland Dorrinson, explained how Bannon’s talent as a master of disguise nearly enabled him to board a plane to Moscow.
“He showered, shaved, and even combed his hair,” Dorrinson said. “He was totally unrecognizable.”
Bannon’s plan crumbled, however, during a routine pat down. “That’s when we noticed that his pants had a large mustard stain,” the T.S.A. agent said. “They evidently had not been laundered in months. One of my colleagues shouted, ‘It’s Bannon! Stop him!’ ”
Taken into custody, the former White House adviser seemed bitter about his foiled escape attempt. “I took a shower for no fucking reason,” he said.
Tweet of the Day
Jake Sherman @JakeSherman
Lauren Boebert has sent a release calling to impeach Biden, but she has messed up the logo here
Refund Request for the Summer of 2021
From The New Yorker, by Eddie Small:
To Whom It May Concern:
When I entered into my agreement to experience the summer of 2021, I did so with an understanding that the season would be a non-stop festival of orgiastic pleasure. Instead, it was pretty similar to most other summers I have experienced, and actually worse in a few respects. It was definitely hotter and rainier than some prior summers, for instance, and I got bored much earlier than anticipated, to the point where I had enough free time to look up the definition of “orgiastic.”
Also, in mid-July, I stubbed my toe really, really hard. It turned purple and hurt for, like, six days. I know it was never explicitly stated that this would not happen during the summer of 2021, but I feel like it was pretty strongly implied.
The point is that I am clearly a victim of false advertising—since mid-December, 2020, I have been told repeatedly that the summer of 2021 would not only mark a full return to normalcy but also that people would be happier to see one another, that ice cream would taste better, and that I would be six inches taller. When the summer finally arrived, however, none of those things happened, and my attempt to compensate for my lack of a growth spurt by wearing platform shoes was greeted with nothing but derisive comments about how it was no longer 1978.
I even had some events get cancelled again, and these were the fun events that I actually wanted to attend. Of course, the events that I would have been fine skipping all still happened and somehow all ended with me trapped in the same lengthy conversation with my great-uncle about how music peaked with Pat Boone’s 1956 album “Howdy!” But I guess this was preferable to talking with him about anything related to the pandemic.
I also did not experience any memorable summer loves, summer road trips, or summer songs. This may have been because I did not attempt to go on any dates, plan any road trips, or turn on any radios, but I am still convinced that none of that should have mattered.
To be totally honest, the only part of the summer that ended up meeting my expectations was writing this letter, and that’s not even because I had a particularly good time writing it. I had just about as good a time writing it as I expected. I even waited until after the autumnal equinox to send it, on the off chance that all the really good stuff wasn’t going to happen until summer felt like it was over but was technically ongoing. But, unless you count an unexpected sale on Pop-Tarts as really good stuff, that is not what happened.
Anyway, if it turns out that I am ineligible for a refund for the summer of 2021, I would also accept an exchange for another summer of equal or greater value—so, basically, any summer before 2020 but after 1945. My top choices would be 1967’s famed Summer of Love, 1978’s famed Summer of Platform Shoes, or 2006, which my older brother has always insisted was the greatest summer of all time, even though I’m pretty sure it’s just his way of rubbing in the fact that our parents let him go to Bonnaroo that year but said that I was too young.
Please let me know as soon as you can about the status of my request, and do not attempt to placate me by simply offering to make the other seasons of the year hotter. I have said no to that many times before, and, even though you seem to be committed to doing it anyway, I will say no again.
Everyone Under Thirty-five