Satire from The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
Julius Caesar, these Ides have been stressful for everyone, and I think the last thing the Roman people need right now is for you to be pointing fingers — at Brutus, at me, or at anyone, as you clutch at yourself and sink onto the Senate steps.
Now is not the time to cast blame and call out names. Now is the time for healing. Please stop bleeding on my toga; that is a sad reminder of a hurtful time I hope we can put behind us. The last thing we need is to be thinking about the past, when I have already dropped my dagger, forgotten every threatening or negative thing I ever said, and am, frankly, ready to move on. Now is the time to come together, for the good of Rome.
For someone who always made a big point of how he was uniting Rome, and who historically was so fond of Brutus, you certainly seem bent on dividing us and making Brutus look bad with your remarks now! “You too, Brutus?” Seriously?
We must focus on the future, Julius, and get back to the people’s business. The Roman people didn’t elect us (technically, the sentence could stop there!) to stand around engaging in pointless recriminations about who stabbed whom with what dagger concealed under whose toga. Ultimately, aren’t both sides at fault here? We can certainly agree that if you had not come to the Senate today, no one would have been stabbed. I’m just saying this to show we all bear some responsibility.
I am frankly appalled when I think of all the things that have been said on both sides, like, “Death to Caesar!” and “Ouch!” Everyone bears a share of the blame, although mostly Caesar. They say that we cannot move forward without accountability. But I argue that, in fact, we can.
Because how are the people of Rome served by this fixation on consequences? If we’re going to be applying consequences, I think the real villains here are the people who have used their bodies to steal other people’s daggers! Not naming names, obviously. The point, again, is that we’ve got to heal, heal and move on! Stop clutching at my arm and trying to speak and point. This is the kind of petty vindictiveness I had so hoped we were beyond.
This has been a rough Ides for the Roman people. People have seen things happen in the Senate that have never happened before, and I think everyone is reeling, equally. I don’t think that what the people need right now is to have to watch us hold someone accountable. This will only divide us further. Also, it might be bad for me personally.
Yes, technically, I did incite Brutus to stab you, but the last thing that Rome needs is for me to face any sort of consequences. What Rome needs now is healing. Speaking of which, you don’t look so good.