From the Washington Post, by Max Boot:
“President Trump inherited more than $400 million from his father and invested in one failed business after another. Trump must be the only person in the world who can’t make money off steaks, vodka or gambling. He would have been better off putting his money into an index fund.”
“Just use a happy little Magic Marker to create any little illusion you like.”
From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:
This is beyond belief. Even by this guy’s standards for cheap lying, this is off the charts, across the floor, down the storm drain, into the river, and long gone off up the gulfstream.
Remember the other day when the president* said that Hurricane Dorian posed a threat to Alabama, and then the National Weather Service told all the people in Alabama to relax because the president* didn’t know what he was talking about, so they all shouldn’t run off to the Piggly Wiggly to buy 250 loaves of bread? Whereupon, the president* expressed his annoyance at his own National Weather Service for its role in helping him look foolish? Again. (Maybe it was just their turn.) This resulted in a couple of days of social-media snark directed at the president*s Very Great Brain.
Cut to Wednesday morning in the Oval Office. From NBC News:
The map Trump displayed was the same as a model produced by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration last week showing the hurricane’s projected path cutting through central Florida— with one key difference. Where the original projection ended, a smaller, black circle that appeared to be drawn in sharpie was produced to include Alabama in the model.
Sharpie? He either doctored—or had doctored—the map with a freaking Sharpie? I wonder if he did it himself or contracted out the work to the Department Of Embarrassingly Clumsy Fakes, led by Secretary Of Embarrasingly Clumsy Fakes Epstein’s Mother.
This is just insane.
From The New Yorker:
“So, there’s a rumor one of you is just a thousand hamsters in a horse costume.”
Trump’s team waiting for him to finish using the “big boy potty.”
President Donald Trump on Friday used a tweet to order U.S. companies to find an alternative to doing business with China, as he lashed out at Beijing’s latest round of retaliatory tariffs and pledged to respond to them later in the day.
“The vast amounts of money made and stolen by China from the United States, year after year, for decades, will and must STOP. Our great American companies are hereby ordered to immediately start looking for an alternative to China, including bringing your companies HOME and making your products in the USA.”
So much winning…
@NRCC is fundraising with a t-shirt of a US map that includes Greenland: “Support President Trump and his efforts to help America grow!”
Meanwhile, the Nevada GOP is running FB ads urging Republicans to “show your support for making Greenland the 51st state” with another t-shirt.
From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
The Amazon is burning. Darkness covers São Paulo at noon. The economy is wilting. The Federal Reserve chair dreamed of seven lean oxen, and when he awakened, all his yield curves had inverted. Sean Spicer is on “Dancing With The Stars.” Do not think that these are signs that we drift, alone, through an indifferent universe, where everything is absurd and nothing is funny. Do not mistake these omens. All has been revealed.
*stone tablets containing decades of laws crash down from on high and shatter*
Glorious news, everyone! Donald Trump is God! Everything makes sense now, and the final purpose of all things is at last clear. Donald Trump on Wednesday proudly quoted a messenger who said he was “the second coming of God,” and he described himself as “the chosen one,” looking up at the sky. As I said, wonderful, good, normal news!
*Donald Trump’s entire staff transforms into snakes*
How did we not recognize it before? He can multiply crowds at a wish. He can make the night day and the day night. He can make Melania Trump appear in a window where she is not. He can make friends enemies and enemies, friends. He can stare unblinkingly into the sun (at an eclipse, no less), for the sun shall not strike him by day. He turned Chris Christie into a pillar of salt; his arrival was heralded by a burned-out Bush. With Trump, all things are possible. Don’t give him a baby to cut in half; he’ll do it.
*water across the nation transforms into Trump-branded wine*
Hearken, nonbelievers! Of course Donald Trump is the Chosen One — all relevant tropes apply. He arrived on the scene with no particular expertise, and suddenly, he was in charge of everything, even though there was a woman right there who had been preparing for the same thing for decades. He just stepped into office, and suddenly he could do anything he set his mind to. He can wield nuclear power, melt ice that has been there for decades, and he almost bought Greenland.
*Donald Trump vanishes into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights; he is golfing*
Also, he is the King of Israel. Great! And he brought Christmas back. Even better! That was just the first sign of many signs that he would perform. He made the lion lie down with the lamb, and then he stood with the lion after the resulting incident. He healed the nation’s wounds (or will, once he gets a magic and only somewhat habit-forming spray from Johnson and Johnson), and you should see what he can do with the jawbone of an ass! And he suffered the little children to come unto him. At any rate, they suffered.
*Trump smites a rock with his rod, and lead-tainted water starts pouring from it*
No wonder evangelical voters have stuck with him so much. He is literally the Messiah! Which is great! Just great, just absolutely wonderful, and a HIGHLY normal thing for a president to say! Definitely not Fake News, definitely the Good News.
Just super, absolutely, terrifically, the most reassuring news ever! I for one am EXTREMELY REASSURED.
*a great beast with 10 horns and seven heads emerges from the abyss*
From the Washington Post:
President Trump on Wednesday attacked Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, saying she had made “nasty” comments about his interest in having the United States purchase Greenland.