Satire from The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
You may have some questions about the newly announced Trump card! Well, I have answers!
What can I use my Trump Card for?
If I play my Trump Card in a game, do I automatically win the game?
Absolutely not, but it will allow you to say that the game was rigged against you and call the entire premise of the game into question. This is what is meant by winning.
What benefits do I get with my Trump Card?
A Trump Card!
Can I use my Trump Card to pay for things?
You can certainly try! Then when it isn’t accepted as a form of payment on the grounds that it is “some random card that has Donald Trump’s signature on it and a creepy picture of an eagle, not a valid credit card,” you can complain that you are being discriminated against for your political beliefs and create lots of problems.
The eagle looks kind of . . . Third Reich-y?
This is a simple misunderstanding! Just one of a series of isolated, totally spontaneous Trump-adjacent design mistakes that have been happening consistently without fail for the past five years!
One of the four designs for the card misspells the word “official.” Is the typo intentional?
The typo is proof of your card’s authenticity!
Does the card have any value?
The value of a Trump Card, like the value of Donald Trump himself, fluctuates from day to day, depending on how he is feeling. It is important that Donald Trump be kept happy so that your card will retain its maximum value.
Can I use my Trump card as a vaccine passport?
You haven’t been following the news very closely, have you?
Will my Trump card ward off disease and ill humors?
You are free to believe that it can! Start a Facebook group!
Is this a non-fungible token?
In the sense that it is something whose value I don’t understand and which I hope never to acquire, yes.
Can I use this to rent videos?
You can use it to really encourage YouTube’s algorithm to start showing you some questionable things!
Can I use this to check out books?
Does the Trump card give me membership in anything?
The confraternity of People Who Have Trump Cards.
Can I use it to get into places?
Any sufficiently stiff card can be used to open certain locks! This card, and $200,000, can get you into Mar-a-Lago!
Will this card work as an ID at airports?
Again, you can certainly try, and then get upset when it doesn’t work!
Does this work as a voter ID?
If Trump gets his way, it will be the only thing that does!