2

Bannon Arrested for Contempt of Soap

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what congressional Republicans are calling an act of flagrant overreach by the Department of Justice, the former Donald Trump adviser Steve Bannon has been arrested for contempt of soap.

The basis for the arrest is a rarely enforced 1858 statute requiring White House employees to conform to minimal standards of hygiene during their tenure with the executive branch.

A defiant Bannon said that he would fight the federal government’s “outrageous” attempt to make him come into contact with soap and water, and declared that his avoidance of both was a life-style choice.

“You can lock me up but you can’t hose me down,” he thundered.

2

Trump’s Lawyers Lost Another Case in Which They Relied on Extreme Nonsense

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

There are several things I’ve noticed about the lawyers employed by El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago, besides that a) some of them show no signs of having, you know, been to law school, and b) none of them are likely to get paid. Perhaps because of these two facts, and perhaps because their client is a delusional nutball, these lawyers take the most extreme positions possible at almost every opportunity. These include assertions of privilege and confidentiality that exist only amid the Special Sauce-encrusted stalactites of their client’s mind. This gives the judges to whom these arguments are presented no choice but to toss the former president*’s case completely—and rapidly—out of court. It also gives federal judges a chance to crack wise from the bench, and you never want to do that.

For example, on Tuesday night, for the second time in two days, Judge Tanya Chutkan 86’d the former president*’s effort to shield records and documents from the special congressional committee investigating the insurrection on January 6. Currently, this material is stored at the National Archives, and the former president* is transparently desperate to make sure it stays there, locked away amid Lincoln’s breakfast orders and rum-stained early drafts of the Hay–Bunau-Varilla Treaty. Late Monday night, she refused to issue an emergency order blocking the transfer of the material. And then, on Tuesday, Judge Chutkan made it official. From CNBC:

“At bottom, this is a dispute between a former and incumbent President,” Chutkan wrote in a 39-page opinion. “And the Supreme Court has already made clear that in such circumstances, the incumbent’s view is accorded greater weight.” Trump’s view “appears to be premised on the notion that his executive power ‘exists in perpetuity,’” Chutkan wrote.

“But presidents are not kings, and Plaintiff is not President.”

Ooooh, as the kidz say, snap!

The problem with this approach, besides the fact that it always loses, is that it doesn’t give the judge any room to ponder. The arguments are so threadbare and the theories on which those arguments are based so comically absurd that they don’t give most judges anything to chew over. Lawyers like to present arguments that cause a judge to say, “Let me think that over.” (Judges love to ponder.) The Trump legal teams consistently present arguments that cause judges to say, “No, seriously, what’s your point?” This is not helpful.

The former president* will appeal this ruling because that’s what he does. But the U.S. Congress isn’t some unlucky glazier from New Jersey. He can’t money-whip it into exhaustion and defeat. So he will send his lawyers once more unto the breach with increasingly preposterous arguments and legal theories developed by the renowned law professor, Dr. Otto Yerass. The hope for the Republic is that, sooner or later, he’ll run out of bad lawyers and/or judges willing to listen to this nonsense.

atlanta, georgia   october 30  former first lady and president of the united states melania and donald trump do "the chop" prior to game four of the world series between the houston astros and the atlanta braves truist park on october 30, 2021 in atlanta, georgia photo by elsagetty images
2

Bannon Caught Fleeing U.S. Disguised as Man Who Recently Took Shower

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Steve Bannon was caught attempting to flee the United States disguised as a man who had recently taken a shower, T.S.A. officials have confirmed.

A T.S.A. agent at Reagan National Airport, Harland Dorrinson, explained how Bannon’s talent as a master of disguise nearly enabled him to board a plane to Moscow.

“He showered, shaved, and even combed his hair,” Dorrinson said. “He was totally unrecognizable.”

Bannon’s plan crumbled, however, during a routine pat down. “That’s when we noticed that his pants had a large mustard stain,” the T.S.A. agent said. “They evidently had not been laundered in months. One of my colleagues shouted, ‘It’s Bannon! Stop him!’ ”

Taken into custody, the former White House adviser seemed bitter about his foiled escape attempt. “I took a shower for no fucking reason,” he said.

Steve Bannon.
0

Refund Request for the Summer of 2021

From The New Yorker, by Eddie Small:

To Whom It May Concern:

When I entered into my agreement to experience the summer of 2021, I did so with an understanding that the season would be a non-stop festival of orgiastic pleasure. Instead, it was pretty similar to most other summers I have experienced, and actually worse in a few respects. It was definitely hotter and rainier than some prior summers, for instance, and I got bored much earlier than anticipated, to the point where I had enough free time to look up the definition of “orgiastic.”

Also, in mid-July, I stubbed my toe really, really hard. It turned purple and hurt for, like, six days. I know it was never explicitly stated that this would not happen during the summer of 2021, but I feel like it was pretty strongly implied.

The point is that I am clearly a victim of false advertising—since mid-December, 2020, I have been told repeatedly that the summer of 2021 would not only mark a full return to normalcy but also that people would be happier to see one another, that ice cream would taste better, and that I would be six inches taller. When the summer finally arrived, however, none of those things happened, and my attempt to compensate for my lack of a growth spurt by wearing platform shoes was greeted with nothing but derisive comments about how it was no longer 1978.

I even had some events get cancelled again, and these were the fun events that I actually wanted to attend. Of course, the events that I would have been fine skipping all still happened and somehow all ended with me trapped in the same lengthy conversation with my great-uncle about how music peaked with Pat Boone’s 1956 album “Howdy!” But I guess this was preferable to talking with him about anything related to the pandemic.

I also did not experience any memorable summer loves, summer road trips, or summer songs. This may have been because I did not attempt to go on any dates, plan any road trips, or turn on any radios, but I am still convinced that none of that should have mattered.

To be totally honest, the only part of the summer that ended up meeting my expectations was writing this letter, and that’s not even because I had a particularly good time writing it. I had just about as good a time writing it as I expected. I even waited until after the autumnal equinox to send it, on the off chance that all the really good stuff wasn’t going to happen until summer felt like it was over but was technically ongoing. But, unless you count an unexpected sale on Pop-Tarts as really good stuff, that is not what happened.

Anyway, if it turns out that I am ineligible for a refund for the summer of 2021, I would also accept an exchange for another summer of equal or greater value—so, basically, any summer before 2020 but after 1945. My top choices would be 1967’s famed Summer of Love, 1978’s famed Summer of Platform Shoes, or 2006, which my older brother has always insisted was the greatest summer of all time, even though I’m pretty sure it’s just his way of rubbing in the fact that our parents let him go to Bonnaroo that year but said that I was too young.

Please let me know as soon as you can about the status of my request, and do not attempt to placate me by simply offering to make the other seasons of the year hotter. I have said no to that many times before, and, even though you seem to be committed to doing it anyway, I will say no again.

Sincerely,
Everyone Under Thirty-five

3

“I’ve Got a Serious Case of Schadenfreude Thanks to This Greg Abbott News”

I’m finding it impossible to fend off a manifestation of unbridled glee at the misfortune of the man who tried to blame immigrants for the COVID problems in Texas.

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

I’m exhausted from fighting off a virulent attack of schadenfreude that I caught reading the news from Texas late Tuesday afternoon. From the Austin American-Statesman:

The Republican leader, who is fully vaccinated, was asymptomatic after testing positive and is receiving Regeneron’s monoclonal antibody treatment while isolating at the Governor’s Mansion, said Abbott spokesman Mark Miner. “As you may have heard by now, I have tested positive for COVID-19,” Abbott said in a video posted to Twitter late Tuesday. “I have received the COVID-19 vaccine and that may be one reason why I’m really not feeling any symptoms right now. I have no fever, no aches or pains, no other types of symptoms.”

Miner said in a statement that “everyone that the Governor has been in close contact with today has been notified.”

Everybody?

Abbott made a public appearance one day prior to testing positive, when he spoke at an event in Collin County. Photos posted to social media show that he mingled freely with the mostly unmasked crowd to shake hands and pose for pictures.

I really hope he stays asymptomatic. Truly, I do. I’m glad that he’s able to afford the gold-plated treatment because he’s philosophically opposed to the cheap preventative that you can carry in your pocket, and that is handed out gratis at any hospital. (OK, I’m not that glad.) But I’m finding it impossible to fend off a manifestation of unbridled glee at the misfortune of the man who said, according to CNN:

The dramatic rise in unlawful border crossings has also led to a dramatic rise in COVID-19 cases among unlawful migrants who have made their way into our state, and we must do more to protect Texans from this virus and reduce the burden on our communities.

This was an unforgivably foul attempt to marry conservative anti-science with conservative racial bigotry, and it was exactly what wasn’t needed at this time in that place. And now this guy is testing positive. Sorry, but I’m getting a karmic chuckle out of that.

Image
NARY A MASK IN SIGHT…
0

Governor Greg Abbott Is an Elected Comorbidity

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

Now Texas has botched its way into a fourth wave.

houston, texas   august 07 governor of texas greg abbott is seen in attendance during the ufc 265 event at toyota center on august 07, 2021 in houston, texas photo by cooper neillzuffa llc

What a Texas hero this guy is. Sam Houston must be so proud. From US News:

The Republican governor has directed the Texas Department of State Health Services to use staffing agencies to find additional medical staff from beyond the state’s borders as the delta wave began to overwhelm its present staffing resources. He also has sent a letter to the Texas Hospital Association to request that hospitals postpone all elective medical procedures voluntarily. Hospital officials in Houston said last week that area hospitals with beds had insufficient numbers of nurses to serve them.

Greg Abbott is one of those guys who not only refused to initiate common-sense pandemic precautions, but also signed a law that made it actually illegal for other authorities to mandate them.

The governor is taking action short of lifting his emergency order banning county and local government entities from requiring the wearing of masks and social distancing to lower the COVID-19 risk. Abbott has said repeatedly that Texans have the information and intelligence to make their own decisions on what steps to take to protect their health and the health of those around them.

They’re begging doctors to come to Texas while they have to ship sick people out.

Last week, Houston area officials said the wave of delta variant infections so strained the area’s hospitals that some patients had to be transferred out of the city, with one being sent to North Dakota.

You find yourself passing out and four weeks later, you wake up in Bismarck, looking out your hospital window at two missile silos and a snowmobile shop. Modern medicine at its finest.

Seriously, what if you are a particularly selfless medical professional, and you make the very risky career choice of going to Texas to help out, and a worried mom from one of the real freedom-loving communities where nobody can tell anyone else what to do comes to you and asks how to keep her kids safe at school. What do you tell her? Move to Vermont?

Greg Abbott ranks behind only Ron (Prince Variant) DeSantis as far as elected comorbidities go. And now, having botched his state into a fourth wave because, as it turns out, Texans needed a little help making their own healthcare decisions, Greg Abbott is calling out for help from his fellow citizens who live in Smart Personland. Freedom’s just another word for, Lord, you’re a dope.

3

Your Trump Card benefits

Satire from The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

You may have some questions about the newly announced Trump card! Well, I have answers!

What can I use my Trump Card for?

Winning!

Winning what?

Winning!

If I play my Trump Card in a game, do I automatically win the game?

Absolutely not, but it will allow you to say that the game was rigged against you and call the entire premise of the game into question. This is what is meant by winning.

What benefits do I get with my Trump Card?

A Trump Card!

Can I use my Trump Card to pay for things?

You can certainly try! Then when it isn’t accepted as a form of payment on the grounds that it is “some random card that has Donald Trump’s signature on it and a creepy picture of an eagle, not a valid credit card,” you can complain that you are being discriminated against for your political beliefs and create lots of problems.

The eagle looks kind of . . . Third Reich-y?

This is a simple misunderstanding! Just one of a series of isolated, totally spontaneous Trump-adjacent design mistakes that have been happening consistently without fail for the past five years!

One of the four designs for the card misspells the word “official.” Is the typo intentional?

The typo is proof of your card’s authenticity!

Does the card have any value?

The value of a Trump Card, like the value of Donald Trump himself, fluctuates from day to day, depending on how he is feeling. It is important that Donald Trump be kept happy so that your card will retain its maximum value.

Can I use my Trump card as a vaccine passport?

You haven’t been following the news very closely, have you?

Will my Trump card ward off disease and ill humors?

You are free to believe that it can! Start a Facebook group!

Is this a non-fungible token?

In the sense that it is something whose value I don’t understand and which I hope never to acquire, yes.

Can I use this to rent videos?

You can use it to really encourage YouTube’s algorithm to start showing you some questionable things!

Can I use this to check out books?

No.

Does the Trump card give me membership in anything?

The confraternity of People Who Have Trump Cards.

Can I use it to get into places?

Any sufficiently stiff card can be used to open certain locks! This card, and $200,000, can get you into Mar-a-Lago!

Will this card work as an ID at airports?

Again, you can certainly try, and then get upset when it doesn’t work!

Does this work as a voter ID?

If Trump gets his way, it will be the only thing that does!