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Trump Urges Americans to Boycott Chinese Goods and Just Buy Things at Walmart

Satire from The Borowitz Report:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asking for their solidarity in his trade war with China, Donald Trump is urging Americans to boycott Chinese goods and “just buy things at Walmart.”

Trump made his request via Twitter, where he told his fellow-citizens that it was their “patriotic duty” to punish China by buying as many goods at Walmart as possible.

“If you go to a great american store like Walmart, you’ll find lots of cheap sportswear, shoes, and other items for you and your family to enjoy,” he tweeted. “What better way to show China that we don’t need their dumb stuff!”

Shortly after Trump sent those marching orders to his countrymen, the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, offered a muted response. “I’m beginning to see how he lost a billion dollars,” Xi said.

 

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What Do You Want To Bet He Had Money on the Loser?

From the Washington Post:

President Trump on Sunday blamed the result of the Kentucky Derby on “political correctness,” arguing that the horse that crossed the wire first should not have been disqualified.

“The Kentuky Derby decision was not a good one,” Trump said in a tweet, misspelling the word “Kentucky.” “It was a rough and tumble race on a wet and sloppy track, actually, a beautiful thing to watch. Only in these days of political correctness could such an overturn occur. The best horse did NOT win the Kentucky Derby – not even close!”

Maximum Security appeared to win Saturday’s race by 1 3/4 lengths. But then two jockeys objected, and after stewards reviewed video of the race, they disqualified the apparent front-runner in a unanimous ruling, crowning Country House the winner.

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“I wuz robbed, I tells ya.”

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Trump: “But, I Thought That’s What the Supreme Court Was For!”

From the Washington Post:

President Trump suggested Wednesday that he would ask the Supreme Court to intervene if Democrats move to impeach him.

“I DID NOTHING WRONG,” Trump wrote. “If the partisan Dems ever tried to Impeach, I would first head to the U.S. Supreme Court. Not only are there no ‘High Crimes and Misdemeanors,’ there are no Crimes by me at all.”

The notion was ridiculed by several legal experts, including Laurence Tribe, a Harvard law professor, who accused Trump of “idiocy.”

“Not even a SCOTUS filled with Trump appointees would get in the way of the House or Senate,” Tribe wrote on Twitter, adding that Trump apparently thinks his recent court appointments would give him a “ ‘get out of jail free’ card.”

 

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Trump Administration Want Ad

From the Washington Post, by Dana Milbank:

“Flailing administration seeks Cabinet secretary willing to sacrifice dignity for employer’s vanity. No relevant experience needed. Successful candidate must be morally flexible. Familiarity with abusive personalities a plus. Willingness to be publicly humiliated required. Employee will be fired in about 12 months and thereafter be permanently unemployable. Non-disclosure agreement mandatory. Interested candidates should contact the prison warden.”

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Hey, If It’s Good Enough for the President…

From The Washington Post:

Stephen Moore, President Trump’s planned nominee for the Federal Reserve Board, was found in contempt of court in 2013 for failing to pay his ex-wife more than $330,000 in alimony and child support, court documents show.

Numerous economists have raised concerns that Moore is unfit to serve on the Fed board because he doesn’t have much expertise in central banking, also arguing he could taint the Fed’s independence with his close ties to Trump. His seeming failures to follow the law have also raised some questions about his ability to be one of the nation’s top economic policymakers.

Stephen Moore has repeatedly praised marriage and homes with a “devoted husband and wife” as the best cure against poverty and other social ills. He wrote a commentary in the Washington Examiner titled “Marriage, the surest economic stimulus,” in October 2014, about a year after the court had to compel him to pay his ex-wife child support and alimony.

Allison Moore says her husband slept with his mistress in the family home and stated at a graduation ceremony for one of their sons, “I have two women, and what’s really bad is when they fight over you.”

 

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Does This Man Understand Anything?

From CNN:

President Trump on Friday referred to the Flores Settlement as being decided on by “Judge Flores,” but the settlement was named after the plaintiff in the case, Jenny Lisette Flores, who fled El Salvador as a teenager.

“We’ve had some very bad court decisions. The Flores decision is a disaster, I have to tell you. Judge Flores, whoever you may be, that decision is a disaster for our country. A disaster. And we’re working on that,” Trump said during a roundtable near the southern border with border officials.

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Sounds Good to Me

From the Washington Post:

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) urged President Trump to hold off on pushing for a court-ordered destruction of the Affordable Care Act, advice the president ultimately ignored, according to a senior Republican official familiar with the conversation.

The unheeded counsel, which McCarthy recounted to fellow lawmakers in recent days, underscores the angst that has set in among Republicans now that Trump is pursuing the politically precarious strategy with no plan in hand to replace Barack Obama’s signature health-care law.

During a closed-door lunch on Tuesday, Trump relayed to Senate Republicans that he had come up with a slogan — “Republicans are the party of health care” — on the short ride over from the White House to the Capitol, said people familiar with the gathering, who requested anonymity to discuss private conversations.

Trump told the Republicans that he “owned” the issues of the economy and border security, but the party is vulnerable on health care. He said he wanted to get a new plan during the election, according to those familiar with the gathering.

Trump’s strategy has hardly been universally embraced.

“It’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard,” said a senior GOP aide, who requested anonymity to speak candidly. “It is the equivalent of punching yourself in the face repeatedly.”

 

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