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Yessir, It’s a Great Day to Be Dead at the Hands of the Police

From CNN:

President Trump invoked George Floyd’s name during a Friday bill signing ceremony touting the latest jobs report, which exceeded economists’ expectations.”We all saw what happened last week. We can’t let that happen. Hopefully George is looking down and saying this is a great thing that’s happening for our country. (It’s) a great day for him. It’s a great day for everybody,” Trump said during a White House Rose Garden event before signing a piece of legislation devoted to small business loan flexibility.

“This is a great, great day in terms of equality,” Trump added.

 

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Trump explains his favorite Bible stories

From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

If there was one thought in America’s mind when it watched our gallant president stride to St. John’s Episcopal Church and heft a Bible in one hand, it was: That man has definitely seen or held a Bible — or, indeed, any book — before, and he knows it cover to cover, from Genesis to Two Corinthians and even beyond! But what could be his favorite stories from that much-loved book of his, or someone’s? Here is my best guess.

Genesis: Two fools want more, better information rather than to feel blissfully ignorant all the time. They meet Tim Apple.

Exodus: Egypt, a land of very good administration, responds correctly to a series of plagues by changing nothing about its daily lives or routines.

Golden Calf: People are inexplicably punished for worshiping something shiny and fake.

Daniel: Ferocious beasts defy their duty to attack a man who has committed an offense against his ruler.

Lazarus: Very good illustration of how easy it is to recover if you put your mind to it and why nobody needs health coverage.

Job: Someone is treated almost but not quite as badly as Donald Trump gets treated every day.

Ruth: Ruth accompanies her relative Naomi to a new country in a disgraceful instance of chain migration.

Two Corinthians: There are Corinthians, and there are two of them, for sure!

Joshua and the Battle of Jericho: Very sad story about a man blowing blasts on a trumpet and damaging a wall.

Solomon: A man suggests a very good way of dealing with a disputed baby, but a nasty woman interferes.

Lot: A man’s wife does something different with herself physically, and he sort of notices after the fact.

David and Goliath: Someone makes the mistake of flinging a projectile at a heavily-armored man; they will need to come down on him hard.

Noah: This is a good, inspiring story about a wise man in a floating bunker avoiding a catastrophe, but on the other hand it is bad because he is also surrounded by animals, birds, reptiles — disgusting.

Jonah and the Whale: Bunker again, but worse.

Esther: Failed king listens to a woman about not inflicting violence on people?

Revelation: Beautiful first draft of Trump inauguration speech.

Abraham: Man confusingly remains married to the same woman for decades.

Temptation of Jesus: Man offered infinite worldly power; says no, like an idiot.

Crucifixion: Agitator gets what is coming to him.

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Donald Trump is the bravest man in America (Hint: It’s Satire.)

From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

Such courage!

How fortunate we are to have as president the bravest man in America. A man who was not afraid — when even Joe Biden was standing above ground and meeting with protesters — to boldly go down into a secure bunker. Now that was an act of courage! Hiding under the ground, which is a scary place full of earthworms and moles (some could be malignant) and cicadas and very long roots! Secreting himself in a bunker of limited size, laughing in the face of claustrophobia, even though he was forced to confront head-on the terrifying fact that all the items around him might have been touched by Dick Cheney during his brief time in the same spot — only a very daring man would have the guts to venture there. Hiding below the White House, where Andrew Johnson’s ghost could possibly also be, at any time.

But his courage did not stop there. No! He was not afraid to pick up the telephone (always terrifying, because you cannot see your interlocutor, and sometimes you both start talking at the same time, which can haunt you for months afterwards) and yell at the nation’s governors that they needed to “dominate” and “get much tougher” and that “if you don’t dominate you’re wasting your time. They’re going to run over you, you’re going to look like a bunch of jerks.” This was not just a sign of bravery, but also intelligence, demonstrating his laser-like ability to pinpoint the one remark that might soothe or offer even a tiny bit of reassurance during a trying time, and then say the exact opposite.

But it was not just by phone that his courage demonstrated itself. He did not merely speak, but also typed! He managed to violate Twitter’s terms of service by glorifying violence, the act of a very bold man. Behind a keyboard is the most frightening place of all to be, much scarier than standing in a protest, because you do not know, for starters, if the keyboard is entirely clean, and also you might make a typo. And staring at the screen to which the keyboard is attached could lead to eyestrain.

It took immense bravery to say the very worst things at a time such as this. But that is the kind of bravery for which Donald Trump has always been known. Not afraid to heap insult on injury on insult, bold enough to cower, wise enough to plant his foot firmly in his mouth. Whereas most leaders stop at pouring oil on troubled waters, Donald Trump is brave enough to set that oil on fire!

So brave! So dominant! He is a beacon in the night, just like the White House wasn’t.

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