3

Glenn Beck’s Fever Dream

Radio host Glenn Beck is urging GOP presidential candidates Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio to team up to oppose Donald Trump.
 Beck called for a ticket of “Ted Cruz for president, Marco Rubio as vice president,” on his radio show Wednesday, according to The Blaze. Beck has already endorsed Cruz for president.
 The radio host laid out a plan for other prominent GOP figures to align themselves with a Cruz-Rubio team.
 “Say our Supreme Court nominee is Mike Lee,” Beck said, suggesting the Utah senator as a replacement for the late Justice Antonin Scalia.
 “Rand Paul is going to be Treasury secretary. Ben Carson, we’re going to back you with everything we have to take Rubio’s Senate seat. How is that not a win for absolutely everybody?”
Somebody needs to check Glenn for the Zika virus because he’s clearly hallucinating.
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3

The KKK? Never Heard of Them.

Donald Trump wouldn’t disavow former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard David Duke’s support for his presidential bid, saying Sunday that he knows nothing about the white supremacist leader.

“Just so you understand, I don’t know anything about David Duke, OK?” Trump told CNN’s Jake Tapper on “State of the Union.”

Trump was pressed three times on whether he’d distance himself from the Ku Klux Klan — but never mentioned the group in his answers.

“I don’t know anything about what you’re even talking about with white supremacy or white supremacists,” he said. “So I don’t know. I don’t know — did he endorse me, or what’s going on? Because I know nothing about David Duke; I know nothing about white supremacists.”

Now, Mussolini—there’s a guy I can get behind!

3

Well, Wasn’t That Convenient?

From a phone call with the Oregon wildlife refuge terrorists:

Earlier on the call, the occupiers sounded concerned that the FBI planned to move in Wednesday night and that it would lead to their deaths. At times, they seemed to fatalistically embrace that outcome.

When one woman — presumed to be Fiore — asked two of them about their families, a man responded, “God has put us on this path. Our families are already taken care of; they weren’t in our lives much before all this because God made sure we didn’t have that to weigh us down so that we could do this.”

Sounds to me like a good excuse to be a crappy father.

2

Yee Haw! About Time…

“Famed Nevada rancher Cliven Bundy was arrested late Wednesday night in Portland, Ore. on his way to the wildlife refuge occupation he supported.

Bundy, 74, was booked by local law enforcement at Portland International Airport on federal charges stemming from the 2014 armed standoff at his Nevada ranch, The Oregonian reports.”

2

Steven Wright—My Idol

A number of years ago, I created about 100 ATCs, also known as artist trading cards. Each one is the size of a playing card and mine were little collages that illustrated funny quotes.

One of my favorite sources for these usually absurd observations was the comedian Steven Wright. Woody Allen was another. Woody’s style was the nebbishy guy who angsted about sex and death a lot. Steven was just plain off the wall. That’s why I love him.

Today I came across an interview with him about his joke writing style on New York Magazine’s website.  The interviewer asked him if he had a favorite joke.

This is what he said:

I do have a favorite, but it’s not the general public’s favorite. It’s kind of long. It had to do with: I’m going to my grandfather’s wake. I kneeled down at the casket, and I’m looking at him in the casket, and I started thinking about the batteries in my flashlight. Then I said to my aunt, “Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just in the wrong way.”

That’s my actual favorite one, but usually, when people ask me if I have a favorite one, I just say no. I don’t know why, it’s almost like a private thing.

I wish I had heard that one when I was creating my ATCs. That would have been a fun one to do.  *Dang*

Here’s a ten minute video of Steven’s comedy routine. I was pleased to recognize several of the jokes that I incorporated in my ATCs.

And below that are some of my Steven Wright inspired ATCs.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

6

Trump Practices The Fine Art Of The Word Salad

For all you English grammar buffs out there.  Here is Donald Trump’s run-on sentence from a speech he gave in July.  Can you find the subject?

“Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart—you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it’s true!—but when you’re a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it’s four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

Me either.

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12

The Algae at the Bottom of the Gene Pool

Okay, first off, I hate going to our local super-duper market.  It’s very nice, with every kind of product known to man, but they intentionally keep the aisles very narrow to trap you in the store so the odds of your buying something on impulse are high.

Compounding that, people invariably leave their carts in the middle of an aisle and wander off.  Or they stop in the aisle for an “Old Home Week” conversation with a neighbor they just haven’t seen for ages.  If you try to politely go around them, you get a dirty look.  Gah.

But, I went today in what I thought would be a “touch and go” operation to pick up my prescription of happy pills estrogen.  Was I wrong.

I don’t know if it was because it was a Saturday or what, but the store was loaded with what appeared to be extras straight out of “Deliverance.”

And then the large woman behind the pharmacy counter greeted me with a glare. Maybe she just suffered from RBF or “resting bitchy face.”  Whatevah.  I made my purchase and gratefully exited the store.

I’d left my car in an area off to the side of the drive-thru pharmacy where there were a lot of empty spaces around me.  Of course, when I came out, there was a car next to the driver’s side of my car.

The woman driver and her hulking lout of a teenager were farting around with their doors wide open.  The teenager was leaning against a small dirt bike, with which he effectively blocked my approach. His back was to me, so as I was walking toward him I pressed the unlock button on my key, hoping the beeps and the flashing lights would wake him up to the fact that I needed to get past him to get into my car.

Just as I was behind him he made this godawful hawking noise, drawing from deep down in his sinuses and the back of his throat. I knew what was coming and I was powerless to stop it.

He spat an enormous, thick yellow loogie right in front of me on the ground!

I froze in my tracks.  He languidly turned around and mumbled “Sorry.”

As quickly as I could, I dodged around him and practically fell into my car.  I fervently hoped that I didn’t step in the gross blob, and I don’t think I did, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to check the bottom of my shoes because at that moment I just wanted to step on the gas and flee.

I think we need a little more chlorine in the gene pool.

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