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Thou Shalt Not Have Too Many Mulligans

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Or, Maybe It Was…Satan!

Franklin Graham defending Trump:

“I believe Donald Trump is a good man,” he said. “He did everything wrong as a candidate and he won, and I don’t understand it. Other than I think God put him there.”

 

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Pope Blames Eve for Listening to “Fake News” Serpent

Because of course she did.

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The tragic history of human sin, the Pope says in his message, is the first “fake news” and it dates back to the book of Genesis, when the “crafty serpent” lied to the woman. In present day, according to the Pope’s message the fast digital world helps fuel the spread of “fake news” — which he defines as “the spreading of disinformation on line or in the traditional media.”

 

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The Trump I.Q. test

From The New Yorker, by Broti Gupta and Rebecca Caplan

Welcome to the trump™ I.Q. Test. It’s the hardest test in the entire world, and Barack Obama couldn’t take it ’cuz he was too scared, and because you have to be American to take it. Please answer the questions below to the best of your ability or Lady ability.

1. Which of these five is unlike the other four?
(a) Nazis
(b) White supremacists
(c) Very bad people
(d) Very good people
(e) Misunderstood Nazis

Answer: (c)

2. Unscramble this word: maga
(a) gama
(b) maga
(c) aagm
(d) gaam

Answer: (b). The a’s were switched.

3. If Ivanka is 35 and Melania is 47, what is the oldest that a woman can be?
(a) 40
(b) 48
(c) 35
(d) 50

Answer: Would accept (b) or (d); there is no way to know yet.

4. Police brutality is to very good behavior as kneeling is to:
(a) Very good behavior
(b) Pretty bad behavior
(c) Really great behavior
(d) Spitting on a veteran’s widow

Answer: (d)

5. Complete the lyric: “This land is my land _________”
(a) “this land is your land.”
(b) “the monkey chased the weasel.”
(c) [A full 3 Doors Down song]
(d) “.”

Answer: (d)

6. Obama golfing is to taxpayer fraud as Trump golfing is to:
(a) Good for taxpayers
(b) Good at golf
(c) Donald Trump owns many golfs!
(d) All of the above

Answer: (d)

7. Donald lost the popular vote by 3 million ballots. Hillary won the popular vote by 3 million ballots. How many votes did Donald win by if you don’t count those people who voted illegally?
(a) 1 bazillion
(b) 69 million
(c) Wisconsin is technically the most populous state.
(d) Mexico shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Answer: Will accept (b), (c), or (d), but “bazillion” is not a number.

8. John McCain is to dumb captured idiot as Donald Trump is to:
(a) Lazy (no)
(b) Dumb (no)
(c) Never captured!
(d) THE FLAG!!!!!!

Answer: Donald Trump owns a lot of casinos.

9. One of the following sentences means approximately the same thing as “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve that are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” Choose the one:
(a) “And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.”
(b) “A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a ten.”
(c) “You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”
(d) “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”
(e) All of the above

Answer: The locker room!

10. Nine years ago, a Kenyan illegal was elected President. One year ago, a very smart white (technically speaking) man was elected President. Who will be elected President in three years?
(a) A white man
(b) A white woman
(c) A black woman
(d) Ha, “elections”

Answer: (d), but (b) and (c) were very funny jokes.

11. Which of the following does not belong?
(a) 1
(b) 5
(c) 9
(d) Brown people

Answer: (d) ♦

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I Sure As Hell Didn’t.

From an interview on BBC conducted by Prince Harry:

Former President Barack Obama said he felt a sense of “serenity” the day his successor was inaugurated.

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Serenity? I felt anything but.

First, I felt disbelief—that the people of my country would have chosen this ignorant, self-involved man over a woman who was the most qualified presidential candidate in recent times.

I felt disgust when Trump put his short-fingered hand on the Bible, the one used by Lincoln at that.  This man, this “Christian,” who has lived his life against all the tenets of the Bible, i.e. charity, forbearance, turning the other cheek, taking care of the least of mankind, should have been struck by lightning on the spot if there is a God.

Then I felt dismay as Trump launched into his dystopian, Steve Miller driven speech. This is what my country had to look forward to? George W. Bush had it right when he remarked afterward: “That was some weird shit.” And at the one year mark we have only just begun to see the weird shit Trump has in store for us.

I hope former President Obama was just trying to be his usual “no drama” self when he told this to Prince Harry; not wanting to poke the Twitter bear into a retaliatory attack.

But I can look back at the video and photos of Michelle on that day and know exactly what she was thinking. Her aspect mirrored mine and that of all the voters who refused to buy into the last gasp of white superiority, xenophobia, and misogyny that the orange-haired man on the podium represented.

As Kramer in “Seinfeld” found out, just saying “Serenity now!” rarely, if ever, works.

 

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“Merry Christmas”: FAQ

From the New Yorker, by Mark Remy:

Hello, and welcome to the official Web page of the Holiday Enforcement Administration, a division of the U.S. Department of Jesus.

Due to the overwhelming number of queries we’ve received since the passage of the Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act, we ask that you browse our F.A.Q. before contacting us. It’s possible that we’ve already answered your question!

Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

What is the Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act, and when did it become law?

The Compulsory Acknowledgment of Christ Act (caca) prohibits the use of the phrase “happy holidays” while mandating the use of “Merry Christmas.” It was signed into law by President Donald J. Trump on October 31, 2017. Merry Christmas.

Some of my best friends are Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/atheist/coastal élites. Must they say “Merry Christmas” as well?

Yes.

Even if they’re alone? Like, in an otherwise empty elevator?

Yes.

What happens if they refuse?

We hope it won’t come to that.

I’ve heard that Jesus is “the reason for the season.” Is this true?

Yes. That phrase actually originated with Christ himself and is a testament to His knack for catchy rhymes.

If Jesus were alive today, would he insist that everyone say “Merry Christmas”?

Yes. Scripture is very clear on this matter.

What is the origin of the word “Christmas”?

The word itself is Spanish, meaning “more Christ.”

That reminds me—what was the deal with Trump and that taco bowl?

For questions regarding President Trump’s appreciation for Mexican food, please see the official Web page of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s Bureau of Hispanic Love.

I’ve been saying “Merry Christmas” for years, and no one has ever complained or tried to stop me. Have I been doing it wrong?

Yes. Probably you aren’t being heard properly. A bullhorn is a simple and effective way to amplify your message, particularly in a large crowd—e.g., cocktail party, music concert, packed courtroom. (A bullhorn also makes a great Christmas present—our special-edition caca model, seventy-nine dollars, delivers fifty watts of joyous sound, in Voice or Siren Mode, and comes swaddled in a padded carrying case.)

Someone recently said “Happy Christmas” to me and I didn’t know how to react. Can you help?

The correct phrase is “Merry Christmas.” “Happy Christmas,” a British bastardization, is not an acceptable substitute. Make that clear by giving the offender a gag “ticket” from our online store (twelve dollars for a pad of fifty). Then report him or her to us via this confidential form. We will take it from there!

What should I do if I wish someone a Merry Christmas and they fail to wish me a Merry Christmas in return?

See above.

I enjoy saying “Merry Christmas” but wish I could employ the phrase more relentlessly. Any tips?

There are many ways you can incorporate “Merry Christmas” into your day-to-day life. Try answering the phone with “Merry Christmas” instead of “hello.” Rather than saying “I’m sorry” or “Huh?” or “Oh, my God! Are you O.K.?” say “Merry Christmas.” In lieu of a tip, offer your server or barista a loud and proud “merry christmas!” on your way out, and watch their faces light up.

By the way, don’t feel as if you need a reason to wish someone Merry Christmas—there’s nothing wrong with just opening a window and shouting it, or mouthing the phrase to fellow motorists during rush hour. Remember, too, that every day except Sunday you have an opportunity to wish your mailman a Merry Christmas.

You mean “letter carrier,” right? Ours is a woman.

No. We are saying “mailman” again.

I find the phrase “Merry Christmas” insufficiently pious. How can I ramp up the religiosity?

Many people are warming to the phrase “Merry Jesuschristmas.”

Isn’t this whole thing a non-issue? A manufactured “controversy” designed to deepen divides, feed false notions of victimhood, and distract from the plethora of real scandals, failures, and ethical lapses that have plagued this Administration from Day One?

Merry Christmas!

But—

We said, merry christmas.

Jesus.

Exactly.

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Yeah, Especially Since People Don’t Use Those Anymore.

From the Washington Post on Roy Moore’s loss:

“It should be a hurricane siren for every Republican,” said Josh Holmes, a former top aide to McConnell. “This is what the death of a party looks like, and without an immediate course correction and rejection of the Steve Bannon view of the world, you can lose races in states like Alabama. … If I had the top five Republican minds in politics and we spent three months attempting to conceive of a way to lose an Alabama Senate race, I’m not sure that we could come up with it. You could literally take any name out of a phone book except Roy Moore’s and win by double digits. And we managed to get the only guy in Alabama that could lose to a Democrat.”

 

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Sounds Like a Roy Moore Dream Date to Me

“Doug Jones wants to put out a welcome mat in front of these young girls. If you are a junior high school girl, or if you are a high school girl, what Abortion Jones is saying is we’re putting out a welcome mat to any boy who’s feeling like a girl that day; he’s fine to walk into the bathroom, the locker room, with his camera phone and shower with your daughter.”  —Roy Moore spokesperson Janet Porter

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