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Ask The N.R.A.!

From The New Yorker, by Sarah Hutto:

Dear N.R.A.,

My house is on fire right now. Do you have any advice about what I should do?

From,

Burning in Boise

Dear Burning,

We know you’re not going to believe us, but this is fine.

It’s a common misconception that fire is dangerous. But, if you’re still worried, we recommend making your own, stronger fire to combat the original fire that’s engulfing your home. The simple fact is that the only way to stop bad fire is with good fire.

Try lighting the bad fire on fire with your better, stronger fire, and you’ll likely find that your fire is winning. If that is not the case, you may need to upgrade your fire with gasoline to make it stronger than the original fire.

And remember, this is fine!

Love,

The N.R.A.

Dear N.R.A.,

I’m allergic to bees. My doctor says that if I ever get stung by a bee I might die. Unfortunately, I just discovered a hive of bees in my bed, right where I sleep. Should I have the bees removed?

Signed,

Anaphylactic in Annapolis

Dear Ann,

You say that you’re allergic to bees, but have you considered that it’s actually just their stingers that you’re allergic to? It seems unfair to punish all bees just because they all happen to have stingers that could potentially kill you. Keep in mind: it’s not the bees that will kill you; it’s their stingers. And it’s not the bees’ fault that their venom, which they are programmed to inject into you if they feel threatened, is fatal to you.

Face it, you’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that there’s a beehive in your bed that can never be removed, no matter what some people say.

We suggest becoming non-allergic to bee stings. You might also consider growing your own venomous stinger and learning how to sting the bees back.

We know you’re probably thinking, But, N.R.A., I don’t like stingers, and I’m allergic to bee venom! I don’t want to be carrying it around all the time! But this is the only way you will have a fifty-fifty chance of surviving in your bee bed. You may even end up killing some bees in the process! Doesn’t that sound more empowering than simply relocating that hive?

BZZZZ!

Just kidding,

The N.R.A.

Dear N.R.A.,

I live in a city that gets very cold in the winter. I’m always chilly when I leave my house. Should I get a coat so that I don’t freeze outside?

From,

Cold in Cleveland

Dear Cole,

No. A coat won’t change the cold, and it’s, of course, the cold that’s really the problem and not your lack of coat. Have you ever heard of Chicago? It’s very, very cold in Chicago, colder than any other place in America. Everybody in Chicago went out and got coats in order to keep warm, but that didn’t make their winters any warmer. And now they’ve got all these silly coats they have to wear. Meanwhile, it’s still cold outside! You don’t want to end up in a world where everybody wears coats all winter, do you?

If you truly want to warm up, you will have to change the weather. Get in touch with whoever is in charge of your weather and tell them you’d like it to be warmer. Until then, don’t leave the house when it’s cold.

And, no matter what, don’t get a coat, and don’t let your friends and family members get coats, either, because coats inhibit limb movement, and that’s just not what this country is all about.

Here’s a coupon for a space heater that will almost certainly burst into flames.

Best,

The N.R.A.

Hi! It’s me, Cold in Cleveland, again.

I actually heard that there are lots of cold countries that have found wearing coats outside very effective. In fact, it seems like, in pretty much every other cold place on the planet, everyone wears coats to stay warm. How do you explain that?

Well, aren’t you persistent?

You see, Carl, the thing about those other places is that—well, most of those places are very different from wherever you said you live, because their cold is a different kind of cold. Those other countries measure their cold in Celsius. Do you know what Celsius is? We do, and, trust us—it is not good!

That space-heater coupon expires in a month.

Regards,

The N.R.A.

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Cadet “Bonespurs” Opines About Courage

“When it came time to get in there and do something, he didn’t have the courage or something happened, but he certainly did a poor job. There’s no question about that,” Trump said of Scot Peterson on the White House South Lawn before leaving to speak at CPAC.
But that’s a case where somebody was outside, they’re trained, they didn’t react properly under pressure or they were a coward,” Trump added. “It was a real shot to the police department.”
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Hypocrisy 101: Melania’s Folks

Feb. 6 tweet from Donald Trump:

“We need a 21st Century MERIT-BASED immigration system,” he tweeted. “Chain migration and the visa lottery are outdated programs that hurt our economic and national security.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The parents of first lady Melania Trump have become legal permanent residents of the United States and are close to obtaining their citizenship, according to people familiar with their status, but their attorney declined to say how or when the couple gained their green cards.

Immigration experts said Viktor and Amalija Knavs very likely relied on a family reunification process that President Trump has derided as “chain migration” and proposed ending in such cases.

 

It’s good to be the in-laws!

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Yes, We Should Be Worried About Assault With a Deadly Condom.

From The Hill:

Florida lawmakers on Tuesday passed a resolution declaring pornography a public health risk, less than an hour after they rejected a motion to consider a bill that would ban assault rifles.

The Florida House of Representatives opened its Tuesday session with a motion to debate a bill banning assault rifles, which it rejected by a 36-71 vote within three minutes, according to the Washington Post.

In the same session, less than an hour later, according to the newspaper, the legislature considered a GOP-backed bill to declare porn a public health risk, which it passed by a voice vote.

During the debate, State Rep. Carlos Guillermo Smith (D) questioned State Rep. Ross Spano, the GOP lawmaker who presented the pornography bill, asking if pornography has killed anyone or caused first responders to seek counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder.

“[Spano] was saying porn as a health risk was more important to address here in the Florida Legislature than the epidemic of gun violence,” Smith told the AP. “These are their priorities. I don’t understand the politics, to be honest, if I’m being honest. I’m not aware there’s a base of voters who are losing sleep every night over the epidemic of pornography as a public health crisis.”

 

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Who’s Minding the Store?

The Porter plot thickens: (From The Hill)

“One former official said that, under normal circumstances, the White House would have run a name check on Porter as he was joining the administration, which would have surely turned up record of a protective order that one of Porter’s former wives, Jennifer Willoughby, filed against him in 2010.

“If there was a court record about this, they should have known about this immediately,” the former official said. 

“Especially if you’re going to give someone an interim clearance,” the former official continued. “The FBI or the White House counsel’s office would have taken those initial steps before initiating an interim clearance.”

Porter, who has denied the allegations of abuse, would have also been required to disclose the record of the restraining order on an SF 86, a standard form that government officials in national security positions are required to fill out.

It remains unclear whether Porter disclosed the allegations on the form. Lying on an SF 86 could trigger criminal prosecution.”

 

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Ten Pages vs. Four Pages Is Outrageously Long

Trump, rationalizing why he is blocking the Democratic response to the Nunes memo:

“The Democrats sent a very political and long response memo which they knew, because of sources and methods (and more), would have to be heavily redacted, whereupon they would blame the White House for lack of transparency,” the president wrote on Twitter. “Told them to re-do and send back in proper form!”

Yeah. He wants it in a form he can “read.”

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“Here you go, Daddy. The new Democrat memo. Try to pay attention, O.K.?”

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Benghazi, The Sequel

Ready for another $7 million “investigation?”
When asked on Fox News if more memos would come out, [Nunes] the California Republican responded: “Yes, this completes just the FISA abuse portion of our investigation.”
Nunes went on to say that the “investigation is ongoing.”
“We are in the middle of what I call ‘phase two’ of our investigation, which involves other departments,” Nunes said. “Specifically the State Department and some of the involvement they had in this.”
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