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This is Exactly What I Meant by “Make America Great Again”

Satire from The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

This, specifically, is exactly what I thought of when I wanted to Make America Great Again. To the letter. Donald Trump has delivered on his promise, to me and to other voters.

I wanted a president who would stand up to our greatest threats (journalists, White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner comedians, the institution of First Dog, the French, generals, John McCain) and embrace America’s truest allies (Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, Saudi Arabia in general, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, anyone with a cool new trick for voter suppression).

I was sick of President Barack Obama apologizing for America. I want a president who apologizes for Saudi Arabia. That is what greatness is. I’m not alarmed by this. It is always what I had in mind, from that first day when I saw him ride down the escalator. I have exactly as much love and support for the Saudi regime as I don’t have for refugees seeking to immigrate to this country, or the independent judiciary, as a concept. I’m honored that Donald Trump is representing this deeply held ideal of mine: that democracy is kind of meh and America’s greatness has always lain in its deference to autocrats. “Whatever is happening in the rest of the world is fine, and we should just leave it,” as whoever FDR beat in the election used to say. “America First!”

I’ve always felt a deep love for the Saudi royal family, and everyone in my place of worship agrees. I was always writing in to Fox News saying, “Why aren’t you praising Saudi Arabia more strongly? Where is your loyalty to MBS? I see the op-ed writers, but not you!” Now I feel complete. I loved that sword dance, and the thing with the orb. This, specifically, was always my dream.

I have always ranked unforgivable crimes as follows:

  • Personally insult or show disloyalty to Donald Trump, even a single time — THE MOST UNFORGIVABLE
  • Insult Donald Trump during a comedy routine: MAYBE LITERALLY THE WORST CRIME
  • Leak from the White House: AWFUL
  • Be a lady who is not so attractive for the president to look at: SHAME!
  • Be a journalist who asks a normal question: BAD
  • Send witches to hunt our wonderful president: BOO!
  • Adultery (by a Democrat): STILL A BIG NOPE

Then way, way down deep at the bottom of the list, scarcely even visible: Order the murder of a journalist.

Finally we have a president who can stand up to people who have too long gone unchallenged: Gold Star Mothers, Gold Star Fathers, POW senators, our intelligence agencies and the admiral responsible for the raid on Osama bin Laden. One thing that motivated me when I went to the polls was the thought of seeing someone really lay into the guy who got bin Laden. My eagle soars a little higher just at the thought of it. America First!

Reading the presidential statement on the slaying of Post journalist and Virginia resident Jamal Khashoggi, I felt my heart swell with patriotic pride. This is what America has always been about: not even trying to reach for higher moral ground. The world is a creepy place. Bad things happen. America First! I have always thought of America as less of a city on a hill and more of a city under a hill.

When I see Lady Liberty, I see a lady who is burning a lamp. Lamps need oil! We must keep oil cheap. That’s the lesson I take from her. Never disrupt your ties to Saudi Arabia for any reason.

I am reminded of the immortal words of the Declaration. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a close relationship with Saudi Arabia is worth sacrificing almost any principle, that we only paid lip service to principles, that the world is an ugly place.”

Whom can we trust? The CIA, or a foreign regime noted for its human rights abuses? Who can say? We can never know. We cannot know. We must embrace the uncertainty. The mark of greatness is having enough power to do whatever you what, countenance whatever you want. When you’re a star, they let you.

America’s Greatness has always lain in its subservience to the exigencies of personal greed. That was the thing I wanted us to bring back. I wanted us to countenance more murders and stand for less. Hatred, fear and accepting the ugliest aspects of the status quo: That’s what I believe in! That’s what I voted for.

The only thing I love as much as standing for the national anthem is standing for nothing. This is what greatness is. I feel great already.

Political cartoon

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Lone guy at Fox News still worried about caravan, embarrassing colleagues

From the Washington Post, satire by Alexandra Petri:

FOX NEWS HQ, PROBABLY — Days after the midterm elections, one “Fox & Friends” producer was still “terrified” the network had scarcely spared a thought for the migrant caravan that only a few days ago, according to the network, was about to sweep into the nation and ruin it, thus demanding the immediate presence of U.S. troops at the border.

His whole Fox family was mortified to discover Gary still believed in the horrifying vision of the caravan, even after Election Day.

In the green room, colleagues rolled their eyes as he kept asking, “Where is it? Why can’t we still see it?” and “What happened to Operation Faithful Patriot?”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t know,” one female colleague mused. “It’s kind of, what’s the word? Sad.”

“I think he actually thinks this was all real,” a male colleague ventured, peering through an open door at the producer, who was frantically scrolling on his phone to see whether he could find any footage or coverage of the caravan. “He’s really worried about it. He took me aside at lunch and retold the plot of an entire ‘Doctor Who’ episode where if you looked away from something scary it would suddenly be much closer, and he couldn’t believe we were taking our eyes off this very real threat.”

The man paused to smother laughter. “I’m sorry. He actually — he keeps telling me he can’t believe the president stopped tweeting about it. He can’t believe.

The “Fox & Friends” producer, accustomed to checking the screen every minute to watch the familiar ominous footage as hosts asked creepy, leading rhetorical questions about it, was shocked to see it was no longer there. “What about the diseases and terrorism?” he kept asking as his colleagues tried to avoid making eye contact with one another so they would not burst into laughter. “My whole family is in a bunker! We went to the polls explicitly because of this issue and the president’s effective messaging on it.”

“I do worry about him,” his female colleague added. “He seems genuinely afraid of the images that we had found and were playing on loop. Does he actually think that Santa Claus is white — or that Sean Hannity is a journalist?”

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