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Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.

Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”

“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”

Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”

“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.

Dan Patrick speaking to the press

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High Turnout of Smart Voters in Kentucky Terrifies Rand Paul

Satire, by Andy Borowitz of “The Borowitz Report”:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Surprisingly high turnout among smart voters in Kentucky on Tuesday has left Senator Rand Paul “terrified and shattered,” one of Paul’s aides has revealed.

As the election returns came in Tuesday night, it became clear that intelligent voters, who had never played a prominent role in any of Senator Paul’s electoral contests, were making their feelings known in unprecedented numbers.

“What we were seeing was huge participation by voters who apparently both consume and comprehend verifiable facts,” the senator’s aide said. “As far as Rand Paul is concerned, this is the doomsday scenario.”

As the night wore on, the aide said, Paul stared at the Kentucky election returns on TV in a near-catatonic state, finally moaning, “Where are all of these smart people coming from, damn it?”

The aide cautioned that it remains to be seen whether the heavy turnout of sentient Kentucky voters is a one-off fluke, but, if it turns out to be a lasting trend, “Rand Paul is going to have to find a dumber state.”

 

Image result for rand paul

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Trump Says If There Is Another Civil War He Will Get a New Note from Podiatrist

Satire, from the New Yorker by Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after tweeting that his impeachment could result in a civil war, Donald J. Trump clarified that, in the event of such a war, he would seek a new note from his podiatrist.

Trump issued the clarification after military advisers cautioned him that, after starting a civil war, he might reasonably be expected to participate in it.

Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Trump said, “Much as I would like to fight in a civil war, my very serious foot condition would keep me from doing that.”

Trump said that, although every other part of him was “extremely young and vibrant,” his feet “are in no condition to fight.”

He added, however, that the country should “think very carefully” before engaging in a civil war. “It would be very sad for the United States to have a civil war for the first time in its history,” he said.

Image result for captain bone spurs

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Muslim Question Guy Now GOP Frontrunner

From The Borowitz Report:

ROCHESTER, N.H. (The Borowitz Report)—Two days after asserting that President Barack Obama was a foreign-born Muslim, a guy who asked Donald Trump a provocative question at a New Hampshire rally is now the front-runner in the Republican race for President, according to a new poll.

The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows Muslim Question Guy leading the G.O.P. field with thirty-four per cent as opposed to nineteen per cent for Trump.
In interviews with poll respondents, Republicans gave Muslim Question Guy high marks for stating that President Obama was neither Christian nor American and criticized Trump for not being more vocal in his agreement on those points.

Minutes after the poll was released, however, Trump was on the offensive, attacking Muslim Question Guy during an appearance on CNN.

“People who are supporting this guy haven’t done their homework,” the businessman said. “If you look back over the past seven years, no one has called Obama a foreign-born Muslim more often than I have.”

Trump’s comments did little to slow the momentum of Muslim Question Guy, who drew four thousand people at his first official campaign rally in Concord, New Hampshire, where he vowed to take back the country from Muslim clockmakers.

clock

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An Uplifting Tale of a Man and His Colon

A message from humorist Andy Borowitz:

Hello everyone,

May I be serious for a minute?

Thanksgiving is a weird time for some people. If you’re going through hard times, you might not feel that you have much to be thankful for.

Three years ago I had an experience I can only describe as nightmarish. But when it was over, I was thankful to be alive, and I still feel that way every day. I’m sharing my story with you this Thanksgiving week in the hopes that it might lift your spirits if they need lifting.

Warning: the story contains “strong language,” as they say on NPR.  But there are laughs, too, and an ending that I hope will make you feel good.  If you know of anyone out there who needs some cheering up, please share the story with them.

And have a Happy Thanksgiving.  As always, I’m thankful to have you as a reader.
Love,
Andy

 

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Move Over, Herman

Oh, that Andy Borowitz.  God love ‘im.  He’s got to be my favorite humorist and commentator on politics and the absurdity of modern life.

We’ve all heard about Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” plan.

Michele Bachmann smilingly said that, upside down, it’s the mark of the beast.

Jon Huntsman lamely quipped that it’s the price of a pizza.

Now, here’s Andy in the Borowitz Report today on Rick Perry’s plan:

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Elsewhere, Texas Governor Rick Perry announced what he called his “1-1-1” plan:

“Every American gets 1 percent tax, 1 mandatory vaccination, and 1 execution.”

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Paging Levi Johnston…

Unfortunate wording of the day in a statement regarding the possible reasons for the alarming rise in teen pregnancies:

“It could be a lot of things coming together,” said Rebecca Maynard, a professor of economics and social policy at the University of Pennsylvania. “It could be we just bottomed out, and whenever you are at the bottom, it tends to wiggle around. This may or may not be a sustained rise.”

Ha!  This sounds like a fake quote from Davis Logsdon or Tracy Klugian in Andy Borowitz’ “The Borowitz Report”, but it’s real, folks.

Can’t make this stuff up…