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Batshit Crazy Tweet of the Day (And a Sane Response)

From Politico:

“Everyone here is talking about why John Podesta refused to give the DNC server to the FBI and the CIA. Disgraceful!” Trump wrote on Twitter Friday morning. He did not explain why Podesta, who did not work for the DNC, would have been responsible for its email server.

Podesta, who wrote on Twitter that he was on a cross-country road trip with his wife, responded to Trump later Friday morning in a series of posts to his own account.

“Pulled in for a pit stop in E. Fairmont W. Va. to see that our whack job POTUS @realDonaldTrump is tweeting about me at the G20. Get a grip man, the Russians committed a crime when they stole my emails to help get you elected President. Maybe you might try to find a way to mention that to President Putin,” Podesta wrote online, breaking his response up to accommodate Twitter’s 140-character-per-post limit. “[By the way], I had nothing to do with the DNC. God only knows what you’ll be raving about on twitter by the time we get to Utah. Dude, get your head in the game. You’re representing the US at the G20.”

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If “Pizzagate” Wasn’t Weird Enough For You…

…we now have child sex-slaves on Mars.

From The Washington Post:

The situation for human beings on Mars is dire, and not just because the red planet’s atmosphere is mostly carbon dioxide and the average temperature is -81 degrees.

There’s also the issue of the child-trafficking ring operating in secret on the planet 33.9 million miles from earth, according to a guest on the Alex Jones Show.

“We actually believe that there is a colony on Mars that is populated by children who were kidnapped and sent into space on a 20-year ride,” Robert David Steele said Thursday during a winding, conspiratorial dialogue with Jones about child victims of sex crimes. “So that once they get to Mars they have no alternative but to be slaves on the Mars colony.”

NASA did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

But Guy Webster, a spokesman for Mars exploration at NASA, told the Daily Beast that rumors about live humans on Mars are false.

“There are no humans on Mars,” he said. “There are active rovers on Mars. There was a rumor going around last week that there weren’t. There are, but there are no humans.”

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Andy Borowitz: “Trump Orders All White House Phones Covered in Tin Foil.”

From The Borowitz Report at The New Yorker:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a frenzy of early-morning activity on Saturday, President Donald J. Trump ordered aides to immediately cover every phone in the White House with tin foil, White House sources confirmed.

According to the sources, Trump contacted staffers Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer at approximately 6 a.m. and instructed them to purchase enough tin foil to cover every phone in the building.

The President, still wearing his bathrobe after what was reportedly a sleepless night, personally supervised the tin-foil installation, sources said.

“Wrap it tighter,” he was heard bellowing at Conway.

After the installation was complete, Trump ordered the Secret Service to check every room in the White House for signs of former President Barack Obama.

“He’s still here somewhere, I know it,” Trump reportedly muttered.

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Katrina Pierson, Time Traveler

Donald Trump’s spokeswoman blamed the policies of President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton for the death of Army Capt. Humayun Khan, despite the fact that Khan died in 2004.

“It was under Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton that changed the rules of engagement that probably cost his life,” spokeswoman Katrina Pierson said in an interview Tuesday with CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer.

Khan died during the presidency of George W. Bush, while Obama was a state senator in Illinois.

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A Missive from Behind the Lines in Texas

From James C. Moore–author of “Bush’s Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential”

Dear America,

I write to you from behind the lines in the last free state of Texas as we prepare to resist the invasion of Jade Helm 15.

While Gen. Travis laid in a supply of extra “beeves” in advance of the Mexican assault from Gen. Santa Anna at the Alamo, we are fearful of running low on Slim Jims and Moon Pies as the Walmarts are turned into detention centers for citizens robbed of their constitutional rights. As POWs (Prisoners of Walmart), we expect to be put to work in the sporting goods department against our will while earning below minimum wage.

We have had one encounter with a commander of the invading force during a hearing in Bastrop, Texas. Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria was deceptively polite and informative but Texans don’t fall for those characteristics. We don’t need facts. In Chuck Norris we trust, and he has informed us that this is an attempt by the Kenyan socialist in the White House to surrender our country to the United Nations. We have heard the talk that this is a training exercise in seven southwestern states to prepare U.S. troops for new types of war fighting, but Chuck Norris said, “It’s not crazy to think Obama would invade Texas.”

So that’s what we believe.

Of course, a lot of us still think of the Civil War as the “War of Northern Aggression,” and we are not going succumb to repeated history. In fact, a few weeks before the Jade Helm’s leadership incursion, our state legislature listened to passionate arguments to save “Confederate Heroes Day” on the Texas holiday calendar. A law to abolish the commemoration and honor all participants in the conflict was stopped with persuasion suggesting those who fought with the North were traitors, and anyone who wants to pay them tribute should “go to New York.”

Our brave governor, Greg Abbott, has ordered the Texas State Guard to establish listening posts to monitor Jade Helm exercises in case America’s soldiers come to take our guns, Duck Dynasty paraphernalia, Lone Star beer, pickup trucks, and bass boats. His command has left only a few of us confused. The governor says he honors the military at the same time he sends a message that he distrusts their activities. We are concerned that our previous governor, Rick Perry, has transcended Abbott’s intellect. Perry cannot remember three things at once but thinks paranoia over Jade Helm is not warranted.

We expect the Jade Helm troops to seduce our population with the profits from selling gas, food, and lodging, but we will be vigilant. We have our radios tuned to Texas conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and we have read the text of the U.N.’s Agenda 21 and know that the global elite can requisition even our golf courses without paying appropriate greens fees. We are aware of the cost of freedom in Texas, though, and on a nice 18-hole golf course it can be a hundred dollars a round plus cart fees.

Dissenters are arising in our midst, too, and pose some danger. A suspiciously sane former state lawmaker, Todd Smith, a Republican, wrote the governor to tell him that his “pandering to idiots” had made him “livid.” Although Smith served 16 years in the Texas House, he seems to have salvaged a troubling intelligence. He told Gov. Abbott, “I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse.”

But be not afraid, America. We are Texans. We will resist logic and intelligence to the very end. And we will keep up our traditions. From the Alamo to the Battle of Goliad, the Confederacy, LBJ’s Vietnam, George W. Bush’s Iraq War, and even Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys, we have a long legacy of losing. And the odds are also against us in the coming Battle of Jade Helm, but we expect to prevail against the invaders, and we will not give up our rights.

Or our air conditioning, cold beer, and Slim Jims.

Signed,

A Patriotic Texan

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