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And They’ll Get The Instructions From Ikea

From BREAKING BURGH A SATIRICAL BLOG SERVING WESTERN PENNSYLVANIA AND BEYOND

(Oslo, Kingdom of Norway) Having been alerted to the horrific terror attacks plaguing Sweden recently, the Norwegian government has decided it will not stand idly by and let the horrendous violence spread to its territory.

“We’d like to thank President Trump for bringing these atrocities in our backgarden to our attention.”

In order to protect itself, Norway has decided to build a secure wall along the border between the two countries that runs through the Scandinavian Mountains.

“Some losers are saying a fence would be better – don’t listen to them.”

Despite experts saying the wall would be enormously difficult to construct and could easily be bypassed using ladders or tunnels, Minister of Migration and Integration Sylvi Listhaug insisted on twitter using the hashtag #Byggenmur that she will not be deterred.

The construction of the wall through rugged mountainous terrain is expected to cost an enormous sum, however that will not pose a problem.

“We’re going to make Sweden pay for it.”

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Oh. Well, That Explains It.

Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly softened the administration’s rhetoric on immigration Thursday, contradicting President Donald Trump’s characterization of his deportation plan as he and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson sought to repair the strained relationship between the U.S. and Mexico.

“There will be no — repeat — no mass deportations. Everything we do in DHS will be done legally and according to human rights and the legal justice system of the United States,” Kelly said Thursday at a joint press conference in Mexico City with Tillerson and Mexican officials.

“And again, listen to this. No — repeat — no use of military force in immigration operations. None,” he added. “At least half of you try to get that right because it continually comes up in the reporting.”

While his message likely played well with Mexican officials, Kelly’s comments ran counter to what Trump himself had said just hours earlier. Claiming that the U.S. “for the first time” was rooting out gang members and drug lords, Trump told reporters “it’s a military operation.”

Asked about the mixed messages, White House press secretary Sean Spicer blamed the different statements on semantics.

“The president was using that as an adjective,” he said. “The president was clearly describing the manner in which this was being done.”

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Kellyanne Conartist Lived Under a Rock for the Last Eight Years

That’s the only explanation for this comment:

“I mean, to see sort of congenital, presumptive obstruction and negativity is very concerning,” she continued, “because it just means that the government can’t function fully, and that they’re obstructing regardless of who the individual is that’s being considered, regardless of the post that needs to be filled. And it’s very frustrating.”

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Vladimir Putin Haz a Sad

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From New York Magazine:

Some Republican lawmakers have objected to President Donald Trump’s defense of Russian president Vladimir Putin by claiming the U.S. also “has got a lot of killers” in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. But GOP leaders weren’t the only ones miffed by the exchange.

“We consider such words from the Fox TV company to be unacceptable and insulting,” a Kremlin spokesman told reporters in response to the Fox News host, who said “Putin’s a killer” in response to Trump’s statement that he wanted closer relations with Russia and to work with Putin on defeating ISIS. O’Reilly was referring to allegations that the Russian leader has directed hits on journalists and political opponents.

The Kremlin added that, “Honestly speaking, we would prefer to get an apology from such a respected TV company.”