Tag Archives: guns

1

What It Means to Be an American Now

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From Esquire, by Jack Holmes:

“To be an American is to know that when you venture outside, you have a better chance than the citizen of any other country in the developed world of being shot by a complete and total stranger who has easy access to incredibly powerful weaponry.”

Think about that.

4

Oh, What the Hell. They’re All the Same to Me.

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From CNN:

In his remarks about the mass shootings in Texas and Ohio this weekend, President Trump misidentified the city where one of the deadly attacks took place.

President Trump offered prayers for “those who perished in Toledo.” The Ohio shooting took place in Dayton, which is about 150 miles south of Toledo. The Texas shooting took place in El Paso, which is about 1,600 miles from Toledo.

“May God bless the memory of those who perished in Toledo, and may God protect them,” Trump said. “May God protect all of those from Texas to Ohio, may God bless the victims and their families, may God bless America.”

Later, Toledo Mayor Wade Kapszukiewicz said the city is “happy to accept his prayers, even if they were meant for Dayton.”

Meanwhile, Dayton Mayor Nan Whaley said this when asked if the President would visit: “I’ve heard that he’s coming Wednesday, but I’ve not gotten a call. And you know, he might be going to Toledo. I don’t know.”

1

Only in America

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From Esquire, by Jack Holmes:

Other countries have people who suffer from mental illness. Other countries have racists and white supremacists. But only the United States of America has these mass shootings all the time, like a drumbeat in our collective consciousness. According to the Gun Violence Archive, which classifies a mass shooting as an event where four or more people are injured, there have been 255 in America this year. It’s the guns, and it’s about time for Objective Journalists to say so.

The time for Listening to Both Sides Until We Move On Without Doing Anything is over. What is the Republican Party’s solution to the gun violence epidemic? They talk about mental health, then attempt—by any means necessary—to strip millions of people of their healthcare. Right now, more than 20 Republican attorneys general are suing to abolish the Affordable Care Act, threatening the health insurance of 20 million Americans and the pre-existing conditions coverage of 50 million more. Will that help with mental health?

All the coverage of these events and the discussions that follow should reflect this reality. One political party wants to institute modest reforms to the ways Americans can acquire weapons and which weapons they can acquire. The other side seems to believe the current system is working perfectly, and has offered zero solutions. The president has come out for background checks—the absolute fucking minimum measure, which he’s motioned towards before and is attempting to tie to “immigration reform,” a surefire way to kill it—but Mitch McConnell is holed up in Kentucky and will probably never put the bill the House passed five months ago up for a vote in the Senate. Unless, of course, this reality was represented in the Very Objective Journalist Zone. Do not ask questions of fact and pretend you don’t know the answer. You can’t climb the stairs if you continually pretend the first step isn’t there.

2

And Then There’s This…

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From the Washington Post:

To experts in the field, the El Paso rampage was predictable. Frank Figliuzzi, a former head of counterintelligence at the FBI, wrote in a column published just four days earlier in the New York Times that Trump’s words eventually could incite bloodshed.

“The president has fallen short of calling for overt violence against minorities and immigrants, but unbalanced minds among us may fail to note the distinction,” Figliuzzi wrote. “If a president paints people of color as the enemy, encourages them to be sent back to where they came from and implies that no humans want to live in certain American cities, he gives license to those who feel compelled to eradicate what Mr. Trump calls an infestation.”

3

Ask The N.R.A.!

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From The New Yorker, by Sarah Hutto:

Dear N.R.A.,

My house is on fire right now. Do you have any advice about what I should do?

From,

Burning in Boise

Dear Burning,

We know you’re not going to believe us, but this is fine.

It’s a common misconception that fire is dangerous. But, if you’re still worried, we recommend making your own, stronger fire to combat the original fire that’s engulfing your home. The simple fact is that the only way to stop bad fire is with good fire.

Try lighting the bad fire on fire with your better, stronger fire, and you’ll likely find that your fire is winning. If that is not the case, you may need to upgrade your fire with gasoline to make it stronger than the original fire.

And remember, this is fine!

Love,

The N.R.A.

Dear N.R.A.,

I’m allergic to bees. My doctor says that if I ever get stung by a bee I might die. Unfortunately, I just discovered a hive of bees in my bed, right where I sleep. Should I have the bees removed?

Signed,

Anaphylactic in Annapolis

Dear Ann,

You say that you’re allergic to bees, but have you considered that it’s actually just their stingers that you’re allergic to? It seems unfair to punish all bees just because they all happen to have stingers that could potentially kill you. Keep in mind: it’s not the bees that will kill you; it’s their stingers. And it’s not the bees’ fault that their venom, which they are programmed to inject into you if they feel threatened, is fatal to you.

Face it, you’re just going to have to learn to live with the fact that there’s a beehive in your bed that can never be removed, no matter what some people say.

We suggest becoming non-allergic to bee stings. You might also consider growing your own venomous stinger and learning how to sting the bees back.

We know you’re probably thinking, But, N.R.A., I don’t like stingers, and I’m allergic to bee venom! I don’t want to be carrying it around all the time! But this is the only way you will have a fifty-fifty chance of surviving in your bee bed. You may even end up killing some bees in the process! Doesn’t that sound more empowering than simply relocating that hive?

BZZZZ!

Just kidding,

The N.R.A.

Dear N.R.A.,

I live in a city that gets very cold in the winter. I’m always chilly when I leave my house. Should I get a coat so that I don’t freeze outside?

From,

Cold in Cleveland

Dear Cole,

No. A coat won’t change the cold, and it’s, of course, the cold that’s really the problem and not your lack of coat. Have you ever heard of Chicago? It’s very, very cold in Chicago, colder than any other place in America. Everybody in Chicago went out and got coats in order to keep warm, but that didn’t make their winters any warmer. And now they’ve got all these silly coats they have to wear. Meanwhile, it’s still cold outside! You don’t want to end up in a world where everybody wears coats all winter, do you?

If you truly want to warm up, you will have to change the weather. Get in touch with whoever is in charge of your weather and tell them you’d like it to be warmer. Until then, don’t leave the house when it’s cold.

And, no matter what, don’t get a coat, and don’t let your friends and family members get coats, either, because coats inhibit limb movement, and that’s just not what this country is all about.

Here’s a coupon for a space heater that will almost certainly burst into flames.

Best,

The N.R.A.

Hi! It’s me, Cold in Cleveland, again.

I actually heard that there are lots of cold countries that have found wearing coats outside very effective. In fact, it seems like, in pretty much every other cold place on the planet, everyone wears coats to stay warm. How do you explain that?

Well, aren’t you persistent?

You see, Carl, the thing about those other places is that—well, most of those places are very different from wherever you said you live, because their cold is a different kind of cold. Those other countries measure their cold in Celsius. Do you know what Celsius is? We do, and, trust us—it is not good!

That space-heater coupon expires in a month.

Regards,

The N.R.A.