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What’s Your Trumposcope Today?

As a Gemini, I am ashamed to be in the same zodiac sign as Donald Trump. However, my Trumposcope for today is pretty great. And since Boris Johnson, coincidentally, is a Gemini too, we’re all winners!

From The Daily Kos, by Bill in Maine:

Today’s Trumposcopes

Aries The world is your down escalator. Take time to smell the leather throughout the spacious cabin of your luxuriously-appointed private jet. Tonight: throw eggs at George Will’s gazebo. It’s made of sub-par materials and will crumble easily. He paid full price—bad deal!

Taurus Send out an anti-Semitic tweet without consulting your campaign staff because who wears the pants around here, I do! Cancel your cable service because all the news coverage is totally in the bag for Hillary and RIGGED!

Gemini If you’re a Gemini like me you are among the very best people, I can tell you that. You’re very smart, negotiate great deals and you are going to make America great again. Tonight: get a manicure for those big, totally beautiful hands that are not small no matter what George Stephanopoulos says behind your back, and I know he says these things because people have told me.

Cancer Deal with a major world crisis by cutting a grand-opening ribbon at your new golf resort or large, beautiful building with your name on it. Calm fears by sending out a tweet quantifying how things are going to work out so well for you.

Leo A good day to accuse your friends, family and co-workers of being murderers and rapists. But don’t forget to mention that maybe some of them might also be nice people. Order more hats.

Virgo You can have a speaking slot at the Republican convention if you want it. Seriously, there are tons of very beautiful and great slots open. Please indicate if you would like to take the lectern after Scott Baio, Victoria Jackson or Kirk Cameron. Great and very influential patriots!

Libra Build a wall and make your neighbor pay for it! If they complain, waterboard them or worse!  Remember: exclamation points are your friends!!!!!!!!

Scorpio You share your sign with Crooked Hillary, so the only thing to do is turn yourself in to our fine officers in blue and spend the rest of your life in jail. Sad!

Sagittarius You’re such a liar and a fraud and probably a Pisces! Get out! Out! Leave this horoscope now! Security, get ’em out! Out! Use your fists, people! I’ll pay your legal bills!

Capricorn Express your opposition to immigration reform by accusing illegals of smuggling 700 pounds of marijuana across the border in their spleens. If someone voices skepticism, question their patriotism and inform them that the wall just got ten feet higher.

Aquarius A great day to declare bankruptcy…but don’t call it bankruptcy, call it asset reallocation. Get many more amazing tips like this on your way to becoming a millionaire in your spare time by attending advanced Trump University learning opportunities for only $35,000. (Paid in advance to the guy behind the dumpster under the bridge.)

Pisces All pisces are banned from having access to their horoscope until we figure out what’s going on.

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Underwear Horoscope by Jenna Marbles

I read about YouTube sensation Jenna Marbles on the NYT website today and thought this video of hers was especially funny.

In it, she predicts what’s going to happen in your life based on what kind of underwear you’re wearing today.

Also, be sure to check out her video of Sarah Palin giving a cooking lesson.

And, her advice for applying makeup for a night out when you’ve already been drinking all day–“Drunk Makeup Tutorial.”

And, the one where she shows you how to apply makeup to trick people into thinking you look good when you really don’t.

Basically, all of her videos.

(According to Jenna, I guess I need to get rid of the underwear pack.  At least I don’t wear the “granny panty.”  Yet.)