34

Ode to a Defunct Uterus

On April 7, 1997–fourteen years ago–I had a hysterectomy.  I won’t go into all the girly, gory details but it was a major relief to me and something that was long overdue.

I wanted to celebrate with a Tampon Burning party, but I never got around to that somehow.  (Maybe my sanity was restored when I started taking Premarin soon after the operation.)

In any event, I felt at the time I finally was master over my own biological destiny.  I’d had two great kids, but my uterus had worn out its welcome–and the level of iron in my circulatory system.

Plenty of irony left, however.

So it was with amusement and no small amount of amazement that I read that Florida state Rep. Scott Randolph was chastised for saying the word “uterus” on the floor of that state’s legislature.  Here is what he said: 
 

“The point is that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government. But I say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe the Republicans would be talking about deregulating.

– Representative Scott Randolph

I thought his argument was brilliant in its simplicity. 

The Republicans in the Florida legislature tsk-tsked and fussed that there were (OMG) teenage pages present in that august chamber who shouldn’t be exposed to the mentioning of female naughty bits. 

Rep. Randolph responded to that by noting that this just points out the sad state of sex education in Florida.

So today I find that there is now a website (www.incorporatemyuterus.com) where you can download a certificate to do just what Rep. Randolph suggested.

It doesn’t qualify as a legal document, but that never stopped the Republicans from doing away with collective bargaining in Wisconsin, did it? 

Here’s what it looks like:

I think I’ll fill one out posthumously for my dear, departed organ.