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Trump: “Who Do You Believe? Me or Your Lying Ears?”

From the Washington Post:

President Trump lashed out Sunday night at the news media for reporting that he would meet with Iranian leaders with “no conditions” — something Trump has said on camera at least twice and that senior administration officials repeated to reporters just last week.

“The Fake News is saying that I am willing to meet with Iran, ‘No Conditions.’ That is an incorrect statement (as usual!),” Trump wrote to his more than 64 million Twitter followers.

In fact, Trump said as much during a June 23 appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” after host Chuck Todd asked if he had a message to deliver to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s supreme leader, about his country’s potential development of a nuclear weapon.

“You can’t have a nuclear weapon. You want to talk? Good. Otherwise you can have a bad economy for the next three years,” Trump said.

“No preconditions?” Todd asked.

“Not as far as I’m concerned. No preconditions,” Trump replied.

That echoed Trump’s comments at a July 30, 2018, joint news conference at the White House during a visit by Italian Prime Minister Giuseppe Conte.

Asked about a potential meeting with Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, Trump said: “I believe in meeting. I would certainly meet with Iran if they wanted to meet. I don’t know if they’re ready yet.”

“I’m ready to meet anytime they want to,” Trump added. “No preconditions. If they want to meet, we’ll meet.”

During a briefing at the White House on Tuesday, both Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo confirmed that Trump remained open to such talks.

“The president has made clear, he’s happy to take a meeting with no preconditions,” Mnuchin told reporters.

“The president’s made it very clear: He is prepared to meet with no preconditions,” Pompeo said shortly afterward.

 

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Young Rudy Giuliani Defends Himself

From the New York Times, written by the hilarious Teddy Wayne:

1951. Seven-year-old Rudy Giuliani is caught by his mother with his hand in the cookie jar and crumbs around his mouth.

MRS. GIULIANI: Rudy, I told you not to eat the cookies!

RUDY: You said, “Don’t not eat the cookies.”

MRS. GIULIANI: I didn’t say that.

RUDY: You just admitted “I didn’t not say that.”

MRS. GIULIANI: You’re adding “not” to sentences to make them mean the opposite.

RUDY: (laughs boisterously) I’ve listened to hundreds of maternal statements, and it wasn’t until the third time I replayed what you said in my mind, because there’s no way to easily record conversations in the current year — 1951 — that I heard the “not.” And even if your original statement is what you didn’t not say it wasn’t not, could you actually prove that I ate multiple cookies?

MRS. GIULIANI: No, but that’s beside the —

RUDY: Being told “don’t eat the cookies” and eating a single cookie isn’t a federal crime, correct?

MRS. GIULIANI: We’re moving the goal posts from “I didn’t eat the cookies” to “I ate a single cookie, which isn’t a federal crime”?

RUDY: Who tipped you off to the alleged cookie theft?

MRS. GIULIANI: Your cousin.

RUDY: Cousin Michael’s been a known liar and a tattler for years.

MRS. GIULIANI: Two days ago, when he swore you didn’t finish the apple pie cooling on the window sill, you said he was “an honest and honorable cousin.”

RUDY: That was before he made these ridiculous allegations. What kind of scoundrel watches his cousin eat a pie off a window sill?

MRS. GIULIANI: So you’re confessing that you did eat the pie?

RUDY: Hypothetically, when in fact I wasn’t there, and also there never was a pie. Or a window sill.

 

1955. Eleven-year-old Rudy enters a classroom.

TEACHER: I think you cheated on your math test.

RUDY: (laughs boisterously) My dog ate my homework.

TEACHER: What does your dog eating your homework have to do with cheating on a test?

RUDY: You’ll have to ask the dog, except the dog refuses to speak. (pauses) Another dog was involved.

TEACHER: Another dog? How many does your family own?

RUDY: One. Two? (Bonks own head with fist several times.) Six.

TEACHER: You have six dogs?

RUDY: Is that a federal crime in the year 1955? So, with 16 dogs, what are the odds one of them didn’t eat my homework?

TEACHER: I still don’t see how eating the homework has anything to do with cheating on the test.

RUDY: Well, now we’re discussing two different cases here: the eating and the cheating. Did one of the dogs present at the eating also participate in the cheating, which never took place?

TEACHER: I’m sending you to the principal’s office.

RUDY: The principal has to submit a list of questions to me. If and when I approve of his scope, I can give him 20 minutes between lunch and recess.

TEACHER: You’re the one in trouble. You don’t get to make up the rules.

RUDY: Ten minutes. Five. The meeting’s off.

1959. Fifteen-year-old Rudy is cornered in the school bathroom by a bully.

BULLY: I saw you talkin’ to my girlfriend, Giuliani! Don’t deny nothin’ or I’ll cream ya!

RUDY: (scared) O.K., it was me.

BULLY: You admitted it! Get ready for a knuckle sandwich, Giuliani!

RUDY: By “it was me,” I mean that I first spoke as myself, then I quickly dressed as your girlfriend so it would look like I was talking to her.

BULLY: Why would you dress up like my girlfriend, Giuliani?

RUDY: For a joke; we have such rigidly constructed gender roles now that wearing the clothes of the opposite sex produces a subversive comic tension, as in the contemporary movie “Some Like It Hot.” For instance, you refer to me by my surname, as bullies in the 1950s tend to; you wouldn’t if I were female.

BULLY: You think dis is funny, Giuliani?

RUDY: Look, I have no idea, others seem to, and my guess is that it will be humorous for a while, even for national political figures, but in about 60 years our views on gender will evolve so that cross-dressing will no longer be as shocking and, when played for cheap laughs, may even be regarded as offensive.

BULLY: You’re trynta distract me from givin’ you a lickin’ by theorizin’ about the roles of gender and fashion in society, Giuliani!

RUDY: (laughs boisterously as he gets beaten up)