From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Bob Vulfov
“‘I could say I’m the most bullied person on the world,’ Mrs. Trump said in an interview with ABC News that was filmed during her visit to Kenya last week.” — New York Times, October 11, 2018
I have had enough! Army of butlers, please exit the parlor. Bullying is a serious issue for the supremely privileged and it is time for me to speak out. I refuse to let my brave voice be silenced, even though it literally never has been and never will be. It’s time for me to speak up on behalf of yacht owners and tax loopholers everywhere. As I sit on my throne of golden influence, I know more than ever that I am the most bullied person in the world.
Do you all think it’s easy to be on the wrong end of unreasonable income inequality, lapping up beluga caviar as most people can’t afford to pay their monthly rent? It’s extremely difficult to be me. I am often taunted with terrible verbal abuse, such as, “It looks like we’ve run out of caviar,” and “You have eaten over 12 tins of very expensive caviar this week.” When will somebody tell me it gets better? This morning, I stubbed my toe on my platinum coffee table because I was distracted reading a tweet claiming that I am canceled. My diamond-studded life is really hard.
I will no longer stand by silently as I am mercilessly ridiculed and bullied by the unwashed masses just because I happen to have an unpaid servant whose only responsibility is to tell me what the weather is like outside. I know I could just look it up on my phone, but I don’t want to. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think I should be bullied just because I stand idly by as my friends, family, and I continue to accumulate wealth and influence on the backs of the poor and powerless. I deserve to continue living my immoral, complicit life without any criticism.
I can think of no person in the world who has been bullied to the extent that I have. Open a textbook, point to any figure throughout history, and I’ll tell you how I’ve been bullied worse than them. Every day I wake up as a member of the elite ruling class. I have complete economic freedom to do anything I want with no consequences. I can afford the best doctors — so I’m basically immortal — and the best lawyers — so I’m basically above the law. But, from time to time, someone says something slightly mean about me and my complicitness in the destruction of the planet. This bullying of me and my almost limitless power must stop.
I also don’t deserve to be mocked for dressing like a 19th-century colonialist while visiting countries that were most impacted by brutal colonial oppression. Sometimes, I think people just need to walk a mile in my $10,000 shoes. Then, maybe they’d think twice about bullying me.
Trump pumping his fists as he and Melania arrive at the airport on the way to a 9/11 memorial in Pennsylvania.
The epitome of decorum on a solemn occasion.
This is the jacket Melania Trump wore when she traveled to Texas to meet with immigrant children detained in a shelter. She changed into something less tone-deaf when she actually visited them.
Her press secretary said that there was “no hidden message” involved here.
I’ll say. It’s right out there in the open. Maybe Melania is the only truth teller in the family.
Here are some alternatives via Twitter:
From The New Yorker by Karen Chee:
President Donald Trump admitted on Fox News that he’s been too busy to get a birthday gift for his wife, first lady Melania Trump, who turned 48 years old Thursday.
When asked during a telephone interview on Fox & Friends what Trump bought the first lady for her birthday he responded with a laugh,” Well, I better not get into that ’cause I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn’t get her so much.”
Feb. 6 tweet from Donald Trump:
“We need a 21st Century MERIT-BASED immigration system,” he tweeted. “Chain migration and the visa lottery are outdated programs that hurt our economic and national security.”
The parents of first lady Melania Trump have become legal permanent residents of the United States and are close to obtaining their citizenship, according to people familiar with their status, but their attorney declined to say how or when the couple gained their green cards.
Immigration experts said Viktor and Amalija Knavs very likely relied on a family reunification process that President Trump has derided as “chain migration” and proposed ending in such cases.
It’s good to be the in-laws!
First lady Melania Trump on Wednesday called on the international community to better protect and support children, speaking out against bullying and calling parents and leaders around the world to “come together for the good of our children because through them, our future will be defined.”
That the first lady would select bullying as a cause to throw the weight of her office behind struck some as ironic, given the president’s penchant for lobbing insults and heated rhetoric at his opponents, both online and in stated remarks.