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Monday Memo

From The Daily Kos and Bill in Maine:

Monday Memo

To: All Patriotic American Patriots
From: The Office of Republican American Patriotism
RE: This Week’s List of Things To Hate and/or Be Scared Of
Status: Yellow

Dear Citizen,

The following are the threats to your Homeland community for Dec. 14-18, 2015, as determined by the Republican party:

Bad guys with guns

Good guys with guns who turn out to be bad Muslims with guns

Miniaturized ISIS fighters coming up through your plumbing

Liberals artificially raising sea levels to bolster their phony climate change science

Parents talking to their children positively about gays

Illegals

Gays conspiring with ISIS fighters and illegals to artificially raise sea levels

Vaginas without government-issued activity monitors

Blacks and Hispanics making a note to vote next November

Creeping Marxism

Creeping Hillary Clinton

Suffocation from a Great Pyramid grain avalanche

Shadows that chillingly resemble your own

Planned Parenthood

Solar panels sucking up all of the sun’s energy

Borders without walls

And as always, “President” Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his simultaneous display of unstoppable dictatorial strong-arm tyranny and spineless lead-from-behind weakness.

For specifics on these and other threats that will get us all killed if we don’t deploy a minimum of 100,000 troops to Syria and ten guns in each American household, please tune to Fox News and/or attend your nearest Republican presidential candidate campaign rally. If you see any suspicious activity not having to do with police officers shooting unarmed black citizens or someone burning down a mosque, please report it to the proper authorities and take refuge in your survival bunker until we give the “all white, all Christian, all clear” signal.

Thank you.

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4

Say “Uncle”…Say It!

From The Daily Kos– by Bill in Portland Maine:

I Give Up

Okay, fine. I’m now willing to believe that Ebola is the #1 threat to the American homeland. You can get it through bodily fluids, shoelaces and sunspots. You can get it from touching a doorknob, boiling a potato, talking on the phone, looking at a map of Africa or living on the same continent as Dallas. Ebola flies through the air, tunnels under the earth, swims across the ocean and replicates itself via 3D printers halfway around the world. Everybody in America has Ebola. Ebola hides under the bed. Ebola is our master. It rules the universe. It is God’s punishment for Benghazi. It is in our beer.

      Clippy the Microsoft paper clip

And if Clippy ever popped up
on your screen, you have Ebola.

 

I’m willing to believe President Obama personally brought Ebola to the United States on Air Force One and it’s now living in the White House. Ebola is going to take over our homes, our churches (prepare yourself for same-sex Ebola marriage), our factories and our money supply. Any election won by a Democrat is really an election won by Ebola. America will soon be run by illegal immigrants thanks to Ebola. The head of the CDC is just Ebola in a lab coat. Ebola will pave the way for a Russian invasion, but not before it releases all the Guantanamo prisoners (who all have Ebola). And of course Ebola is going to take away our guns.

I’m willing to believe that only for-profit Jeb Bush-run charter schools, fracking, elimination of the IRS and deep-sea oil drilling can protect us from Ebola. Tax cuts, tort reform and mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds will weaken Ebola. But nothing will kill it until we elect Ted Cruz president in 2016.

I’m willing to believe that anyone returning from west Africa who tests negative for Ebola is lying, and they should all be shrink-wrapped and launched into space.

Yes, Republicans, I’m willing to “believe” all this bullshit and more. You convinced me. I’m sold. Now will you please…shut…the fuck…up.

4

Hey, GOP–The Election is Over. Deal With It.

I read this at the Washington Post and thought it bears repeating here.  It’s written by Christopher Hahn, a Democratic consultant and Fox News (gasp) contributor:

Those of you who know anything about me know I love a good debate.  I love intelligent conversation about politics and the issues facing the nation.  Today I am drawing a line in the sand that shouldn’t even be necessary.  If you insist on questioning the legitimacy of President Obama I will no longer respond to you. Enough is enough. Go away, you have no place in the national conversation.

This includes referring to him as follows: “Your President,” “The Democrats’ President” or using the conservatives’ weird illiterate slur calling him the “Democrat Party President” and any other attempt to say he’s not legitimately our president. Let me give a special shoutout to the “president” that I‘ve been getting a lot on Facebook and Twitter.  That one has to stop for a variety of reasons. I understand that conservatives hate science and math, but do they also oppose grammar?

Get over it conservatives. He was elected by a majority of the popular vote twice. The last president to accomplish that was Ronald Reagan and he did that even after he raised taxes twice in his first term. For the record, Obama has never raised taxes on anyone. President Obama won nine of 10 competitive contests.  His party picked up seats in the U.S. Senate and the House of Representatives.  He won, he’s the president.  If you want to argue with me about Obamacare, Benghazi, or sequester, then have at it. But save your quotes for appropriate purposes. “I’ve had it!”

Look, I know you’re upset that the 2010 election of conservative governors in swing states didn’t help keep Obama voters from the polls in 2012.  I’m sure you thought long lines would deter lazy liberals.  I know you had your heart set on Donald Trump’s October surprise.  I bet you thought the tea party was an enduring movement and that voter ID laws would scare Latinos and students.  It turns out the only state that worked in was Texas, and Texas wasn’t in play this year.  It will be in 2016, I hope you enjoy fighting for that one; it’s blue by 2020 unless you make drastic changes to your platform.

So here’s my advice to my many conservative friends, family and followers: get over it.  Acceptance is the final stage of grief and its time you come to terms with the election of our president and the end of your party as a national force.  The sooner you do that, the quicker you can rebuild.  America needs at least two parties having a legitimate debate on the issues. The ridiculous demonization of the president’s legitimacy hurts everyone. Please stop.

4

Texas Hoof in Mouth Disease

Texas GOP Rep. Randy Neugebauer was heard calling Rep. Bart Stupak “baby killer” on the floor of the House last night.  

Today he tried to explain that congressional faux pas away by saying he was actually referring to the health care reform bill as “a baby killer.”

Yeah, sure. 

Either way, he’s wrong.  (Don’t confuse him with the facts.)

This is for you, Rep. Neugebauer:

10

Stick a Fork in Me…

…I’m done.  With politics, with the Democratic party, with listening to the blabbering talking heads and pundits.  Everything.  I can’t take it anymore.  This country is getting dumber as each day passes.  I’m beyond caring at this point. 

If “the People” want to keep things the way they were 50, 60 or 100 years ago, I say let ’em have it.   If they’re that dim, then they deserve the country they get under President Palin or whatever reactionary idiot they choose.  Education, science, reason, intelligence…forget about it.  “The People” just want someone they can knock back a beer with. 

Count me out.

Cats are better.  Put your trust in animals, they never let you down.

4

Chain of Fools

Whiplash inducing quote of the day from The New York Times and MSNBC:

“As White House officials fended off new questions about how a fame-seeking couple finessed their way into the president’s glittering state dinner last week, the aspiring reality-TV stars themselves began trying to sell their story for hundreds of thousands of dollars.  Television industry executives said on Saturday that Michaele and Tareq Salahi had postponed plans for an interview Monday on CNN’s “Larry King Live” and were seeking top-dollar bids for their first television interview.

Not only should these media whores not get “top-dollar” for their side of the story, but they should have their asses thrown in jail—preferably with Michaele’s sharing a cell with Big Bertha.

But wait—there’s more:

“Meanwhile, several invited guests who had entered the White House through the same entrance as the Salahis said that the Secret Service’s normal security check-in process, familiar to many of them after years in political circles, had been haphazard.

They said Secret Service guards had not directed the visitors through the well-equipped guardhouse with its metal detector and X-ray screeners, located just inside the east entrance to the White House. Instead, after guards glanced at their ID cards in the dark, they had to wait in a chilly mist outside the East Wing portico. Then they were funneled to a portable metal detector but no X-ray scanner for checking purses and other belongings.

 So, let me get this straight.  People who would have direct access and physical contact with the President of the United States had to undergo less clearance than the average schmo who goes through security at the Podunk airport?  A blonde bimbo is allowed to bypass security clearing because she doesn’t fit the profile of a terrorist? 

And where was the White House social secretary, Ms. Rogers, who was supposed to have staff overseeing all of the checkpoints to prevent just such a “gate crashing”?  Too busy promoting herself?

What is dreadfully wrong with this picture?  I hate to advance conspiracy theories, but something tells me the Secret Service isn’t “all that into” protecting this president. 

 I hope heads roll at that department and with the White House staff.  I hope they bounce all the way to Lower Slobovia where their next job is picking up reindeer dung.

In that vein, I dedicate this ATC to the Salahis and the Secret Service. 

May you get what you deserve.