From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
From the New York Times:
Demonstrators flooded the National Mall on Friday morning in anticipation of a historic moment for the anti-abortion movement: the first sitting president to address the annual March for Life in person.
Roy Hagemyer, 62, a pastor from Mohave Valley, Arizona, who was standing at the corner of 15th Street and Constitution Avenue giving out signs reading “Human Rights begin in the Womb,” could barely contain his excitement ahead of Mr. Trump’s speech.
“The president is going to speak here today, the first time in history,” he said, smiling. “That really puts a lot of horse power behind our movement.”
Mr. Hagemyer said Mr. Trump’s support makes him even more optimistic about the future. “I firmly believe that in my lifetime we will see Roe V. Wade overturned,” he said referring to the landmark 1973 Supreme Court ruling that extended federal protections to abortion. “The tide is turning. People are starting to realize abortion is not something we should be doing.”
From the Washington Post, by Ann Telnaes:
From The New Yorker:
“So, there’s a rumor one of you is just a thousand hamsters in a horse costume.”
From the Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
The Amazon is burning. Darkness covers São Paulo at noon. The economy is wilting. The Federal Reserve chair dreamed of seven lean oxen, and when he awakened, all his yield curves had inverted. Sean Spicer is on “Dancing With The Stars.” Do not think that these are signs that we drift, alone, through an indifferent universe, where everything is absurd and nothing is funny. Do not mistake these omens. All has been revealed.
*stone tablets containing decades of laws crash down from on high and shatter*
Glorious news, everyone! Donald Trump is God! Everything makes sense now, and the final purpose of all things is at last clear. Donald Trump on Wednesday proudly quoted a messenger who said he was “the second coming of God,” and he described himself as “the chosen one,” looking up at the sky. As I said, wonderful, good, normal news!
*Donald Trump’s entire staff transforms into snakes*
How did we not recognize it before? He can multiply crowds at a wish. He can make the night day and the day night. He can make Melania Trump appear in a window where she is not. He can make friends enemies and enemies, friends. He can stare unblinkingly into the sun (at an eclipse, no less), for the sun shall not strike him by day. He turned Chris Christie into a pillar of salt; his arrival was heralded by a burned-out Bush. With Trump, all things are possible. Don’t give him a baby to cut in half; he’ll do it.
*water across the nation transforms into Trump-branded wine*
Hearken, nonbelievers! Of course Donald Trump is the Chosen One — all relevant tropes apply. He arrived on the scene with no particular expertise, and suddenly, he was in charge of everything, even though there was a woman right there who had been preparing for the same thing for decades. He just stepped into office, and suddenly he could do anything he set his mind to. He can wield nuclear power, melt ice that has been there for decades, and he almost bought Greenland.
*Donald Trump vanishes into the wilderness for 40 days and 40 nights; he is golfing*
Also, he is the King of Israel. Great! And he brought Christmas back. Even better! That was just the first sign of many signs that he would perform. He made the lion lie down with the lamb, and then he stood with the lion after the resulting incident. He healed the nation’s wounds (or will, once he gets a magic and only somewhat habit-forming spray from Johnson and Johnson), and you should see what he can do with the jawbone of an ass! And he suffered the little children to come unto him. At any rate, they suffered.
*Trump smites a rock with his rod, and lead-tainted water starts pouring from it*
No wonder evangelical voters have stuck with him so much. He is literally the Messiah! Which is great! Just great, just absolutely wonderful, and a HIGHLY normal thing for a president to say! Definitely not Fake News, definitely the Good News.
Just super, absolutely, terrifically, the most reassuring news ever! I for one am EXTREMELY REASSURED.
*a great beast with 10 horns and seven heads emerges from the abyss*
From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:
Larrison Campbell with the online publication Mississippi Today wrote that she requested to “shadow” Robert Foster to report about his campaign before the Aug. 6 primary, and his campaign director told her Foster wouldn’t ride in a vehicle alone with her because people could insinuate Foster and Campbell are having an affair.
Foster said Wednesday that he won’t be alone with any woman other than his wife, even while working or campaigning, because of the possible public perception that he was doing something to hurt his marriage. He said being alone with a man is no problem. Foster told The Associated Press he has hired women to work for the agricultural tourism business that he and his wife run in northern Mississippi, and that he would hire women staffers if he is elected governor. He said, however: “It’s unprofessional to be alone with a woman who’s not my wife.”
Subsequent to this peculiar announcement, Foster apparently saw an opening among the Bible-bangers because he leapt to the electric Twitter machine to declare himself the bravest of the brave. Political gold, Jerry! From Mississippi Today:
“I am confident that a majority of Mississippians understand that this isn’t about gender discrimination, rather a personal conviction,” Foster told Mississippi Today on Wednesday afternoon. “I am a God-fearing man devoted to my wife and even though having a ride along with me wouldn’t be in itself immoral, the Bible teaches us to refrain from the appearance of impropriety. That’s what I did, and I’m sticking to my guns.”
The groundbreaking documentary, My Penis Terrifies Me: The Robert Foster Story, will be debuting at Cannes next year.
Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey on Wednesday signed into law a controversial abortion bill that could punish doctors who perform abortions with life in prison.
“Today, I signed into law the Alabama Human Life Protection Act, a bill that was approved by overwhelming majorities in both chambers of the Legislature,” said Ivey, a Republican, in a statement. “To the bill’s many supporters, this legislation stands as a powerful testament to Alabamians’ deeply held belief that every life is precious and that every life is a sacred gift from God.”
Gorsuch and Kavanaugh, the ball is in your court. Literally.
From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Ryan Weber:
The ever-expanding sexual abuse scandals involving the Catholic church have been in the news for days now.
It’s time to re-post part of a piece (“A Tale of Two Pedophiles”) in which I wrote about my encounter in the late 1980’s with Father Oliver O’Grady.
Unfortunately, it seems nothing has changed in the wake of that scandal:
Thoughts of Jaycee Dugard brought up my brief brush with one of the worst pedophiles the Catholic church has known to date. His name is Father Oliver O’Grady, who spent years being shuttled from one diocese to another even though the hierarchy of the church knew he was molesting children. He finally wound up as the parish priest in a small town in Calaveras county, California. I was working as a dental hygienist for a local dentist and Father O’Grady happened to be one of our patients.
The dentist I worked for was a devout Catholic. My employer was, on the whole, a nice fellow who felt strongly about his convictions. He had anti-abortion posters hung quite visibly in his lab where patients would see them as they were escorted to their dental chairs. Some patients took offense at being subjected to something like that in a dental office and angrily left the office–and in some cases they left the practice itself. To me, this dogmatism on his part was like wearing a pair of blinders which allowed you to see only what you were supposed to see.
Often the dentist, his assistant and I would have lunch at a nearby sandwich shop. On some occasions the dentist’s wife would join us. At one of these informal lunches we were talking about water wells; a common topic in rural areas where having a good well is essential to life itself. I happened to mention that a neighbor of mine, whose father was half Native American, taught me how to dowse for water with a forked branch. The usual term for that was “water witching”, a skill that even the men who worked for our local electric company, PG & E, knew how to do.
My employer turned to me and said, very serious and straight-faced, “Isn’t that witchcraft?” At first I thought he was kidding, but quickly realized he wasn’t. I was nonplussed and stammered something about “No, it’s just something you feel.” The dentist’s wife was in our little group and she tried to smooth things over a bit, but I have to say I was taken aback that someone in our modern age would bandy about the charge “witchcraft.”
Now, post-Palin anti-witchcraft blessing ceremonies, I’m no longer surprised.
I mention all of this in regard to Father O’Grady only to make the point that while my employer was looking behind the dental chair for imaginary witches, here we had a man who was actually doing unspeakable things with children. Father O’Grady was a figure of authority and power, as was the diocese that sent him to this unsuspecting little hamlet. Everyone in my office fell all over himself in deference to this man when he came in for his appointments. It was “Father this…” and “Father that…” but no one had the slightest clue that he had been molesting children for years and the powers that be knew about it, but kept it hidden.
The sadly laughable thing about it was that he was such a little milquetoast of a man when I finally did meet him. I took an immediate dislike to him because he would not look me in the eye. What kind of a priest won’t look you in the eyes? Aren’t the eyes windows into the soul? Father O’Grady’s soul was hidden from view. There was too much ugliness there.
Father O’Grady as he looked sometime around when I met him.
It was several years after I left that practice that the whole story surrounding Father O’Grady came to light. I could only imagine what they thought at my old dental office. Had real evil replaced the imaginary? I somehow doubt it. Excuses were made all along the line for the transferring of O’Grady from one place to the next, without punishment or warning. The man involved in Jaycee Lee Dugard’s abduction seems to have had every break in the books also. It shouldn’t have taken so long in either Garrido’s case or Father O’Grady’s for someone to step up and put a stop to the abuse.
The kids deserved better.