From The Daily Kos and Bill in Maine:
To: All Patriotic American Patriots
From: The Office of Republican American Patriotism
RE: This Week’s List of Things To Hate and/or Be Scared Of
The following are the threats to your Homeland community for Dec. 14-18, 2015, as determined by the Republican party:
Bad guys with guns
Good guys with guns who turn out to be bad Muslims with guns
Miniaturized ISIS fighters coming up through your plumbing
Liberals artificially raising sea levels to bolster their phony climate change science
Parents talking to their children positively about gays
Gays conspiring with ISIS fighters and illegals to artificially raise sea levels
Vaginas without government-issued activity monitors
Blacks and Hispanics making a note to vote next November
Creeping Hillary Clinton
Suffocation from a Great Pyramid grain avalanche
Shadows that chillingly resemble your own
Solar panels sucking up all of the sun’s energy
Borders without walls
And as always, “President” Barack HUSSEIN Obama and his simultaneous display of unstoppable dictatorial strong-arm tyranny and spineless lead-from-behind weakness.
For specifics on these and other threats that will get us all killed if we don’t deploy a minimum of 100,000 troops to Syria and ten guns in each American household, please tune to Fox News and/or attend your nearest Republican presidential candidate campaign rally. If you see any suspicious activity not having to do with police officers shooting unarmed black citizens or someone burning down a mosque, please report it to the proper authorities and take refuge in your survival bunker until we give the “all white, all Christian, all clear” signal.
From The Daily Kos, written by Bill in Maine:
Ho Ho Ho!!!
It’s gift giving season, and here are some offerings from the Republican party for all the conniving conservatives on your CHRISTmas list:
The EZ Bake God’s Law Oven! Spread out the Supreme Court decision you disagree with—like, say, Roe v. Wade or Obergefell v. Hodges—on the handy baking sheet, pop it in the oven, turn the knob and Presto! Out comes a yummy biblical edict from the Lord A’mighty rendering it null and void. Personally recommended and endorsed by constitutional non-scholar Marco Rubio!
Acme Magic Video Creator! If you’ve made a false claim about something you witnessed to score cheap political points—like, say, harvesting of baby parts by Planned Parenthood or New Jersey residents cheering the World Trade Center towers as they fell—you need the Acme Magic Video Creator! Just push the button, describe the content of the footage you need, and watch it appear before your very eyes. [Disclaimer: But nobody else’s eyes. We’re working on that.]
The Illegal Immigrant Express! Pack up to 11 million illegals into this happy little engine-that-can and watch it chug-chug the whole bunch back across the Mexican border, dump ’em off, and return for more! Comes with locomotive, Donald Trump conductor action figure, and as many boxcars as ya need to ship ’em out.
Drill Here, Drill Now Play Set! Solar sucks! Wind blows! Fossil fuels are what realAmericans use to make America great again you betcha! The Drill Here, Drill Now Play Set comes with a drill. A big drill. A massive, 30-foot-wide behemoth of a drill that makes professional drillers stop and mumble, “Holy [Bleep]! That’s a [Bleep]-ing drill.” Comes complete with four-word instruction booklet (“Drill here, drill now”) and emergency numbers to call when you inevitably bore into an electric, gas or sewer line. Or an oil pipeline. That would be awkward. Try not to do that.
Let’s play Jade Helm 15! The board game where your mission is to defend the Republic of Texas from Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s insidious invasion by air, sea, and secret tunnels under local Walmarts! Meet at a San Antonio Applebee’s with your patriot freedom militiamen and plot your strategy. Then roll the loaded dice and yell: “Pew pew pew! Take that, you Kenyan colonialist tyrant! Yeehaw!” Naturally your side always wins because the history of your engagement will be written by the Texas School Board! Hours of fun for the whole family while you’re all cleaning your guns.
Backyard Great Pyramid Grain Storage Silo! Some assembly required, which will take approximately 20 years. Grain sold separately. Add approximately $10 billion for shipping and handling.
Take that, Hammacher Schlemmer.
From the Richmond Times Dispatch:
Americans like to think of themselves as brave and strong. But a good portion of them are acting very weak and frightened. […] Never to be outdone in the lunacy Olympics, Donald Trump is leaving open the possibility of forcing Muslims — including not just refugees but U.S. citizens — to register with the government as such, and perhaps even carry special ID. (No word on whether that might be a yellow star or crescent.) Instead of taking those suggestions, perhaps America should — oh, maybe stop the bed-wetting, for example. Then pull up its big-boy pants — and get a grip.
This is Ebola all over again, y’all.
From the Baltimore Sun:
If the people of this nation learned anything from 9/11, surely it’s the danger posed by an unthinking, emotional response to acts of terror. That’s what can cause a nation to nearly scrap its constitution, ignore due process and lose its very identity; to invade countries on trumped up evidence of a threat; to torture suspects; and run off-shore prisons that would make a dictator proud and serve mostly to help terrorists recruit new members. That’s what terrorists want — chest-thumping, outsized reactions to the danger they pose. They want democracies to act undemocratic, they want people to cower in fear, they want to draw others into their fight and unwittingly help destabilize the political structures they seek to topple. […]
The 2016 presidential race is in full swing so we can expect candidates to spout some pretty foolish things in the days ahead. The hawks will have their say and so will the anti-immigrant crowd as well as those who wish to draw us into a religious war. But let us not forget that at its heart, what happened in Paris was a crime that needs to be investigated. Its perpetrators need to be caught and given a fair trial. That will take time, as will determining the proper response to an evolving ISIS and a changing political landscape. The only thing that’s certain beyond the horror of what happened on Nov. 13 is the importance of not succumbing to our worst instincts, to not give in to the terrorists, to not simply lash out blindly and to take actions that will only make matters worse.