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National Archives Report Someone Tried to Scrawl “Total Authority” with Sharpie on U.S. Constitution

Satire from The New Yorker, by Andy Borowitz:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “total authority” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.

A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.

“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”

“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”

Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.

“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.

 

Internet mocks President Trump's suspected redesign of weather map ...

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The Sharpie Strikes Again!

From the Washington Post:

As Trump took the podium at Thursday’s briefing, his effort to blame China for the spread of the coronavirus was evident in his briefing notes.

A Washington Post photographer captured a photo of Trump’s notes showing that the word “Corona” had been crossed out in his typed notes and replaced with “Chinese,” written by hand. Trump on Thursday repeatedly referred to the coronavirus as “the Chinese virus,” a phrase that critics have argued is racist and puts Asian Americans at risk.

When Trump delivered that part of his remarks, however, he skipped over the word “Chinese,” simply describing the coronavirus as “the virus.”

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2

Donald Trump’s Hurricane Dorian Map Appears to Be Doctored With a Sharpie to Include Alabama

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

President Trump Receives Briefing On Hurricane Dorian At White House

This is beyond belief. Even by this guy’s standards for cheap lying, this is off the charts, across the floor, down the storm drain, into the river, and long gone off up the gulfstream.

Remember the other day when the president* said that Hurricane Dorian posed a threat to Alabama, and then the National Weather Service told all the people in Alabama to relax because the president* didn’t know what he was talking about, so they all shouldn’t run off to the Piggly Wiggly to buy 250 loaves of bread? Whereupon, the president* expressed his annoyance at his own National Weather Service for its role in helping him look foolish? Again. (Maybe it was just their turn.) This resulted in a couple of days of social-media snark directed at the president*s Very Great Brain.

Cut to Wednesday morning in the Oval Office. From NBC News:

The map Trump displayed was the same as a model produced by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration last week showing the hurricane’s projected path cutting through central Florida— with one key difference. Where the original projection ended, a smaller, black circle that appeared to be drawn in sharpie was produced to include Alabama in the model.

Sharpie? He either doctored—or had doctored—the map with a freaking Sharpie? I wonder if he did it himself or contracted out the work to the Department Of Embarrassingly Clumsy Fakes, led by Secretary Of Embarrasingly Clumsy Fakes Epstein’s Mother.

A Sharpie.

This is just insane.