Boy, Is She Barking Up the Wrong Tree

You’ll remember a while back I was approached through email by a “Cecelia Frazier,” a woman who was at death’s door and allegedly had no one to pass her millions on to except for me.

(See “Drenched in Tears and Rolling in Dough” if you missed that one.)

I thought that request was a hoot then:

I am drenched with tears while writing this short message to you. It was
heartbreaking news to me few  days ago when my doctor notified me on
complications on my health condition which he officially made known to me. He
further stressed that the complication I had in my human mechanism as a result
of a secondary liver cancer which have destroyed all the organs in my body
system.  According to him, he said that this complication will lead to my
imminent death since no medication can alleviate the high system of deformation
I am encountering at this time in my system.

But this new email pretty much takes the cake for sheer chutzpah:

Dearest in Christ Jesus.

My name is Mrs. Mary Rufus. I am married to Mr. Anetor Rufus. Who worked with Kuwait embassy here in Mali for nine years before he died in the year 2008. We were married for eleven years without a child, He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days and before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of ($ 5 MILLION U.S.A DOLLARS) in the Security Company here in Bamako capital city of Mali.

And recently, My Doctor told me that I would not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem (cancer of the lever and stroke). Presently this money is still in the Security Company. Having known my condition I am in need of a honest Hearted Individual Christian or Church that will utilize this fund the way I am going to instruct herein.
I want somebody that will use this fund according to the desire of my late husband to help Less privileged people, Orphanages, Widows and Propagating the word of God. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this fund, And I don’t want in away where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision to hand you over this fund. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going.

I want you to always remember me in your daily prayers because of my up coming Cancer Surgery. Write back to me as soon as possible because any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose, Hoping to read from you soon.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company. I will also issue you an authorization letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund as soon as i hear from you.

May God Bless You,
Mrs. Mary Rufus.

First off, I don’t know how my name got on a list of good Christian folk to contact for this request.  (Again, see my post “The Orthodox Agnostic” for further explanation.)  Somebody’s database needs updating in Mali.

I do love the fact that, like Cecelia, Mrs. Rufus went for the heartstrings by mentioning Less Privileged people, Orphanages and Widows.

Propagating the Word of God….eh, we’ve got enough of that in Texas, thanks to Gov. Rick Perry and his upcoming Perry-Palooza on Aug. 6 where only Christians need apply.  Not so fast Muslims, Jews and The Undecided.

Again, much like Cecelia, Mrs. Rufus has some interesting physical problems going on.  Cecelia had a complication in her “human mechanism” due to secondary liver cancer, but Mary goes her one better with her cancer of the lever (as opposed to cancer of the fulcrum?) and stroke.  Nice touch, Mary.

It sounds like Mr. Anetor Rufus had a deathbed conversion, as did the missus at the same time.  Did Anetor do that so Mary wouldn’t marry again?  It seems like their  version of Christianity forbids remarrying after the death of a spouse.   Maybe Mary needs to re-read her Bible.

I think Anetor pulled a fast one on you, honey.

And I love how Mary puts the squeeze on me for a speedy reply by threatening to “source another person for this same purpose” if she doesn’t hear from me right away.  Mary would have made a good used car salesperson.

“I’ll have to talk to my credit manager.”

And Mrs. Rufus has upped the ante here.  Cecelia was only offering 4.8 million, but Mrs. Rufus is dangling a cool 5 million in front of me.  However, she doesn’t want it used in any “ungodly way,” so that pretty much leaves out the Temple to Athena that I was planning to build on the back forty.

I have almost gotten to the point where I look forward to receiving these emails.  They’re kind of addicting, like a soap opera.

I think Mary’s role should be played by Susan Lucci.