From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Kimberly Harrington
From The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:
Well, sure, I am going to vote yes on Kavanaugh, sweetie. Don’t become hysterical. But I just feel so awful it had to happen like this. It’s such a shame, I think.
I just think, dollface, if there is one thing that came out of all this, sugar, that was good, it is, pumpkin, that you got to have your say. Baby, you got to stand up in front of all these people and bear witness to what you felt like you had experienced, like a big girl! It was so important, and I absolutely believed you, sweetheart!
Chickadee, baby doll, your voice was so important. Your movement matters, honey. It matters, darling. It matters, sweet cheeks.
I think the people who should feel bad, though, honey pie (not you, of course, duckling!) are the people who told you that if you said something, it might matter. That was mean of them. What was so cruel was that you, baby girl, had to bear witness thinking that something would happen. I suppose you didn’t know, sugar tits, that nothing was going to happen, doll baby. But I was so inspired by you and what you did! It was so brave, pudding! It was so wonderful, toots!
It was so important! It was so inspiring! I am going to work to be sure your voice is heard, chickadee — loud and clear, dumpling! I am going to be sure, of course, that your daughters never suffer an indignity, baby, like thinking that if they poured out their pain, people might do something other than wade through it and go about their business, buttercup. That must have been embarrassing.
Oh, sugar, your movement is so important. But if you had a legitimate objection, I’m sure the legislative body would have ways of shutting the whole confirmation down, darling. The point is, we can all be inspired by the brave women and girls like you, baby doll, who said their piece, who poured their voices down a deep well from which no echo emerged, honey! I was certainly inspired. Girl power!
I believe you, sweetie. Of course I do, jellybean. It mattered. It mattered so much. The future is female, toots! But speaking up is its own reward, isn’t it? Don’t you find that, dollface, sugar, sweet cheeks? I find that. You got to feel heard, didn’t you, toots? Not listened to, but heard. You got to say words out loud where people were able to hear them, and then you got to watch them continue about what they were doing, which must have been so empowering for you, duckling! You got to feel like you had a real voice, honey! It was adorable.
Gumdrop, what matters is that it was good for you. I hope it was good for you. I just feel awful that it was all for nothing, pumpkin, sugar pie, peach! I just feel so sad watching you struggle like that while I did nothing, princess! It pained me to see you think you could change my mind, oh honey, oh precious, oh lamb.
But don’t worry your head about it, darling, sweetheart, love bug. I have every reason to believe that Justice Kavanaugh will be fair and fine. He will bridge the partisan gap. The process isn’t broken, doll baby, darling. You can trust him, sweetie. What’s important, sugarplum, is that you tried!
It was so important, what you said. Of course it was, sunshine! I am so glad we heard you, sweetheart, even if we did not listen to you, pumpkin!
Sit down, now. Shut up, honey.
Of course, I believe you, sweetie. I don’t believe that what you say happened happened, duckling, but I think it is so brave you said it! I’m just mad that those meanies, pookie, lied to you and gave you hope. Hope is always the cruelest thing to give people. Hope is what makes the monsters in the box unbearable.
Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump
I have no doubt that, if the attack on Dr. Ford was as bad as she says, charges would have been immediately filed with local Law Enforcement Authorities by either her or her loving parents. I ask that she bring those filings forward so that we can learn date, time, and place!
Jonathan Chait @jonathanchait
Trump has failed the Kavanaugh Marshmallow Test, though in his defense, he held out longer than anybody thought possible before lunging for the tweet button.
Jonathan Swan @jonathanvswan
A White House official told me yesterday: “Hopefully he can keep it together until Monday. That’s only, like, another 48 hours right?”
The Porter plot thickens: (From The Hill)
“One former official said that, under normal circumstances, the White House would have run a name check on Porter as he was joining the administration, which would have surely turned up record of a protective order that one of Porter’s former wives, Jennifer Willoughby, filed against him in 2010.
“If there was a court record about this, they should have known about this immediately,” the former official said.
“Especially if you’re going to give someone an interim clearance,” the former official continued. “The FBI or the White House counsel’s office would have taken those initial steps before initiating an interim clearance.”
Porter, who has denied the allegations of abuse, would have also been required to disclose the record of the restraining order on an SF 86, a standard form that government officials in national security positions are required to fill out.
It remains unclear whether Porter disclosed the allegations on the form. Lying on an SF 86 could trigger criminal prosecution.”
Senator Patty Murray @PattyMurray
A rare look inside the GOP’s women’s health caucus.
Not a hooter toter in sight. The irony obviously escapes them.