2

Don’t Mess with “White Somalia”

From Bill Maher:

“You rural white people who are always saying things like ‘Don’t mess with Texas’,” Bill Maher said. “Let me tell you something. You are among the most left alone, least messed with people on the planet. You can carry an assault rifle into a Chili’s. What more do you want. The right to do it shirtless? You are practically your own independent country now. You have outlawed abortion. You have gutted government regulation. You are armed to the teeth. You are the white Somalia. Stop worrying about getting sucked into the new world order. You are barely in the current world order. And the only reason we conduct military exercises in your area is there is no chance of accidentally damaging anything anybody cares about.”

“SHE’S WAITING FOR JADE HELM 15 TO START.”

5

A Missive from Behind the Lines in Texas

From James C. Moore–author of “Bush’s Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential”

Dear America,

I write to you from behind the lines in the last free state of Texas as we prepare to resist the invasion of Jade Helm 15.

While Gen. Travis laid in a supply of extra “beeves” in advance of the Mexican assault from Gen. Santa Anna at the Alamo, we are fearful of running low on Slim Jims and Moon Pies as the Walmarts are turned into detention centers for citizens robbed of their constitutional rights. As POWs (Prisoners of Walmart), we expect to be put to work in the sporting goods department against our will while earning below minimum wage.

We have had one encounter with a commander of the invading force during a hearing in Bastrop, Texas. Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria was deceptively polite and informative but Texans don’t fall for those characteristics. We don’t need facts. In Chuck Norris we trust, and he has informed us that this is an attempt by the Kenyan socialist in the White House to surrender our country to the United Nations. We have heard the talk that this is a training exercise in seven southwestern states to prepare U.S. troops for new types of war fighting, but Chuck Norris said, “It’s not crazy to think Obama would invade Texas.”

So that’s what we believe.

Of course, a lot of us still think of the Civil War as the “War of Northern Aggression,” and we are not going succumb to repeated history. In fact, a few weeks before the Jade Helm’s leadership incursion, our state legislature listened to passionate arguments to save “Confederate Heroes Day” on the Texas holiday calendar. A law to abolish the commemoration and honor all participants in the conflict was stopped with persuasion suggesting those who fought with the North were traitors, and anyone who wants to pay them tribute should “go to New York.”

Our brave governor, Greg Abbott, has ordered the Texas State Guard to establish listening posts to monitor Jade Helm exercises in case America’s soldiers come to take our guns, Duck Dynasty paraphernalia, Lone Star beer, pickup trucks, and bass boats. His command has left only a few of us confused. The governor says he honors the military at the same time he sends a message that he distrusts their activities. We are concerned that our previous governor, Rick Perry, has transcended Abbott’s intellect. Perry cannot remember three things at once but thinks paranoia over Jade Helm is not warranted.

We expect the Jade Helm troops to seduce our population with the profits from selling gas, food, and lodging, but we will be vigilant. We have our radios tuned to Texas conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and we have read the text of the U.N.’s Agenda 21 and know that the global elite can requisition even our golf courses without paying appropriate greens fees. We are aware of the cost of freedom in Texas, though, and on a nice 18-hole golf course it can be a hundred dollars a round plus cart fees.

Dissenters are arising in our midst, too, and pose some danger. A suspiciously sane former state lawmaker, Todd Smith, a Republican, wrote the governor to tell him that his “pandering to idiots” had made him “livid.” Although Smith served 16 years in the Texas House, he seems to have salvaged a troubling intelligence. He told Gov. Abbott, “I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse.”

But be not afraid, America. We are Texans. We will resist logic and intelligence to the very end. And we will keep up our traditions. From the Alamo to the Battle of Goliad, the Confederacy, LBJ’s Vietnam, George W. Bush’s Iraq War, and even Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys, we have a long legacy of losing. And the odds are also against us in the coming Battle of Jade Helm, but we expect to prevail against the invaders, and we will not give up our rights.

Or our air conditioning, cold beer, and Slim Jims.

Signed,

A Patriotic Texan

texas-lone-brain-state

11

Egads! They’ve Exhumed Ann Miller!

I was scrolling through the photos of the glitterati at last night’s Met Gala, otherwise known as the Anna Wintour Takes Over the World Wingding (TM), when I came across a pic of Kris Jenner on the red carpet.  Holy crap on a cracker!

For one disorienting moment I truly thought that the actress/dancer/singer Ann Miller was still alive.  Or reanimated.

I know Ann had lied about her age when she first got into showbiz and was not as old as most folks thought, but she passed away in 2004 at the age of 82 (give or take.)

But no!  Here she was in the flesh, such as it is.  (Some lucky dermatologist is making a fortune off of cheek plumpers here, for sure.)

It took me a little bit to realize that I was mistaken and was looking at Kris Jenner, she of the Kardashian Klan of self-promoters extraordinare.

I guess I wasn’t alone in my miscalculation because I later read a tweet by Lady Gaga that said “Michael Jackson’s corpse is looking amazing tonight.”

Ouch.

See for yourself.  Then go rinse out your eyeballs.                               ann_miller_2001_06_04

krisjenner

0

Like New Orleans? Have I Got a CD For You!

I figure I’m entitled to do a little blatant promotion here once in a while, so I’ll use this opportunity to tout a new CD my niece and her husband recently released:

“Goin’ to New Orleans,” by John and Kristy Cocuzzi.

cocuzzicourtet

Both are fabulous professional singers and musicians who currently live in California, although John is originally from the East Coast.

“This New Orleans representation of classic jazz features John Cocuzzi on piano and vocals, Kristy Reed Cocuzzi on clarinet, sax, and vocals, the amazing Danny Coots on drums, and Nashville recording star Jim Ferguson on bass. Swing across the USA!  The tunes are an embodiment of everything New Orleans has to offer, and then some! East Coast John Cocuzzi met West Coast Kristy Reed, and they have managed to incorporate the whole US in their efforts. The whole quartet is a swinging tribute to all that is memorable.”

This CD is dedicated to Kristy’s late mother, Tammy Guensler, who loved New Orleans and its music.  Tammy underwent a double lung transplant and subsequently fought a two year courageous battle for survival.  She kept her sense of humor and love for her family and many, many friends throughout that ordeal.  She is greatly missed by all who knew her.

You can hear samples of the tracks from the CD at this link:

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/cocuzzicourtet

Also available as MP3.

Be the first on your block to have one!

11

Exploding Head Syndrome: Not the One Caused by Listening to Ted Cruz

Thurber_1932_01_30_0079499-1200                      “All right, have it your way—you heard a seal bark!”      

So, a few times in the last week I’ve been suddenly awakened from my peaceful slumber by what feels like a bomb going off in my head.

Hmm, no, that’s not entirely correct.  I should say it feels more like someone whupped me upside the head with a foam swimming pool noodle.  It didn’t hurt, but it sure got my attention in a hurry.

The first time it happened, I sat up and looked around, fully expecting to see some intruder in my boudoir.

Nothing.

The second time, I thought maybe my cat had jumped up on the bed and accidentally landed on my head.  He’s quite large and has a penchant for walking around the back of my pillow while stepping on my hair.

Nope.

He was snoring away at the foot of the bed and I don’t think he could be faking that.  If he was, he’s pretty good at it.

It happened for a third time last night and my main reaction was “Okay, this is getting ridiculous.”  A quick search on Google for “the sensation of getting hit in the head while sleeping” turned up the very scientific term:  “Exploding Head Syndrome.”

Here’s a brief (very) description:

This creatively-named disorder occurs during the onset of deep sleep, when the person is suddenly startled awake by a sharp, loud noise. These noises range from cymbals crashing to explosives going off. To the person hearing them, the explosions seem to originate either from right next to the person’s head or inside the skull itself. There’s no pain involved, and no danger, either. Doctors don’t know what causes exploding head syndrome, but they do know that it isn’t associated with any serious illness.

Alrighty then.

At least we know there is no serious illness involved beyond erroneously perceiving the discharge of explosives in the vicinity of one’s auditory appendage.  Can’t be anything odd or anxiety-inducing about that, now can there?

There are a lot of posts on medical and pseudo-medical websites by people who are freaked out by this condition.  I found that some share some other auditory sleep occurrences that, now that I look back, I also have experienced during deep sleep or the time just before nodding off:  hearing my name called, hearing the doorbell or phone ring when none of those things actually happened.

I have noticed, though, that each time it occurred I was lying on my left side with my still somewhat plugged up right ear exposed.  If you recall, I’d had a galloping case of otitis media back in December, from which I’m still slowly crawling my way back to recovery.

My right ear seems to be the slacker of the two right now.

There is some thought on the Exploding Head websites that sudden changes in the middle ear might be linked to this phenomenon.

Otitis media—the gift that keeps on giving.

But why is my cat smirking?