From Andy Borowitz’s “Borowitz Report”—
“Everyone of these people is a stable genius,” Trump said, of the associates gathered in the Oval Office, “and I am by far more stabler and more geniuser than any of them.”
Roland B. Hedley Jr. @RealRBHJr
Flaming baked Alaskan, stringy-haired sidekicks @ WH. Palin in barmaid blouse, boys in redneckwear, Prez in red neckwear.
From the Daily Kos: Written by Bill in Maine
Extra learny this month:
Same-sex couples getting married is the same as gassing the Jews at Auschwitz. (Bryan Fischer, speaking for the American Family Association)
If you work hard, you won’t have time to get hooked on drugs and that will solve all our drug-problem woes. (Rand Paul)
Muslims can’t be president. (Ben Carson)
Charles Darwin came up with his theory of evolution at the behest of Satan. (Carson again)
America should get back in the torture business. (Carly Fiorina)
Diversity sucks. (Rick Santorum)
The discovery of water on Mars was faked by NASA. (Rush Limbaugh)
It’s acceptable to walk into a classroom of seven- and eight-year-olds and coldly ask them, “Do you know what a nuclear weapon is? Do you know that there are schools that train children your age to be suicide bombers?” (Arizona Congressman Matt Salmon)
Immigrants need to speak American. (Secretary of Energy Sarah Palin)
The Dred Scott decision is still the law of the land, so slavery is still on the books. (Mike Huckabee)
To appeal to Latinos, just leave ’em a little tip when you check out of your hotel. (Gov. John Kasich)
The issuance of secular marriage licenses to same-sex couples is leading America into the very pit of Hell. (Kim Davis’s lawyer Mat Staver)
Congratulations. You may now add a sparkle pony sticker to your diploma.
So, Sarah Palin is angling for a cabinet position as Energy Secretary in Donald Trump’s administration. Here is what she said:
“If I were head of that, I’d get rid of it,” the former Alaska governor and Republican vice presidential nominee said in an interview aired Sunday on CNN’s “State of the Union,” referring to the Department of Energy. “Energy is my baby,” she said. “Oil and gas and minerals — those things that God has dumped on this part of the earth for mankind’s use instead of us relying on unkind foreign nations for us to import their resources.”
“If I were in charge of that, it would be a short-term job, but it would be … really great to have someone who knows energy and is pro-responsible development to be in charge.”
Of course. Because staying in any governmental position for the long haul is boring and haaard and cuts into her self-promotion time.
And, by the way Sarah, the Department of the Interior is the United States federal executive department of the U.S. government responsible for the management and conservation of most federal land and natural resources, not the Department of Energy.
You know, those things “God dumped on this part of the earth.”
OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL VICTIMHOOD
I read about YouTube sensation Jenna Marbles on the NYT website today and thought this video of hers was especially funny.
In it, she predicts what’s going to happen in your life based on what kind of underwear you’re wearing today.
Also, be sure to check out her video of Sarah Palin giving a cooking lesson.
And, her advice for applying makeup for a night out when you’ve already been drinking all day–“Drunk Makeup Tutorial.”
And, the one where she shows you how to apply makeup to trick people into thinking you look good when you really don’t.
Basically, all of her videos.
(According to Jenna, I guess I need to get rid of the underwear pack. At least I don’t wear the “granny panty.” Yet.)
Quick Note from the Eldercare Underground: Grooming Edition
When my mother was still at the nursing/rehab facility the week before Christmas, they had a big party for all the residents.
I wasn’t aware of the festivities because my brother (“What’s-his-name,” as my mother now calls him) was down from Colorado to see her and I hadn’t been by the home for a few days, mainly to let him get the full brunt of her focus for a change.
I’m not dumb.
I was surprised to find, a day or so later, that my mother’s fingernails had been professionally done. They were all filed and painted a pretty, deep red and the ring fingernail of each hand sported a decorative design.
She said they had taken her to the beauty salon room the day of the party and did her nails, hair and even makeup for the Christmas big wing-ding.
I’d noticed that her fingernails had been getting kind of long and ragged looking, so I was glad that she’d had that attention. But it was her toenails that had caused me the most concern.
I hadn’t really had occasion to see her feet sans socks for quite some time and I have to say that when I did see them in the nursing home recently, I was pretty taken aback. It was quite apparent that she hadn’t cut her toenails since maybe Kate Gosselin went on her pretend camping trip with Sarah Palin.
My mother was about to be transferred to her new digs at the “Hotel,” so when we saw her physician prior to the move I asked if someone would cut her toenails for her. Please.
Apparently, and probably with good reason, nobody wants to do that, so the job is referred out to a podiatrist.
(Now, I was a dental hygienist for over 20 years and I have to say I’d rather muck about in people’s dirty mouths than fiddle around with their feet. )
When I was in college before getting accepted into the dental hygiene program, I attended some classes with pre-RN nursing students, many of whom already had been LVNs and had experience in the medical field. When they found out a group of us were applying to the hygiene program, they told us they would rather “wipe a poopy bottom” than have to clean someone’s teeth. To each her own, I guess.
Anyway, the doctor told us that there were two podiatrists in town: one who made “house calls” to the nursing homes and one who didn’t. Naturally, I asked for the one who would come to the Hotel and do the deed.
But several days after her move, the nurse at the Hotel called and said my mother had an appointment Jan. 5th with the one who didn’t make house calls. Whatever.
So yesterday when I was walking from the parking lot into the Hotel, a man carrying a medical bag passed me on his way out. It immediately struck me that this must be the “house call guy.”
I have never personally encountered a doctor actually carrying a “little black bag.” I always thought that was just on TV, like in “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.”
When I opened the door to my mother’s room I found her sitting in one of the lovely chairs we’d brought from her house, leaning over and picking up something off of the carpet.
It was toenail clippings.
She was surrounded with them. It reminded me of when we used to get our old pony’s hooves trimmed by the local farrier.
I helped her pick up the detritus and was grateful that the doctor had saved us (by us, I mean me) the trouble of another doctor’s visit and all that entails.
I’m just glad she didn’t get this look for her Christmas party:
Shades of Katie Couric’s famous “gotcha” question to Sarah Palin about what newspapers she reads:
“But Perry, campaigning Saturday in Iowa’s staunchly conservative northwest, barely touched on religion at all. In stops at Sioux City and Orange City, he never mentioned Mormonism, Romney by name, or even Christianity, for that matter.
Asked by Republican Steven Bernston what books have most influenced him, Perry mentioned only one: the work of conservative economist Friedrich Hayek. Bernston, a corn and beans farmer from Paullina, later said he was surprised that Perry didn’t at least mention the Bible.
“I don’t think he’s a reader,” Bernston said in an interview, noting that Perry used the question to switch to previous statements about his opposition to government efforts to stimulate the economy.”
Well, the big Bristol Palin Book Signing-Palooza took place last night at our local Fredericksburg Walmart store.
From the looks of it, the citizenry was underwhelmed.
The day before, our little burg had even made the pages of the satirical website Wonkette.com (click the link for the story).
There was excited talk of large crowds because this area is heavily Republican and also of the Tea Party persuasion, despite the fact that former President Lyndon B. Johnson was (and still is) such a huge figure in these parts.
Hell, Lady Bird Johnson continued to be a member of St. Barnabas Episcopal Church (just down the street from my daughter’s house) up until her death a couple of years ago, even though Lady Bird had been a resident of Austin for many years. Old connections run deep in this part of Texas.
We didn’t attend the big event which kicked off at 6 pm because we had the grandkids here and because we really didn’t give a hoot. However we did end up at Walmart later in the evening after our weekly pilgrimage to McDonald’s.
I’d checked the news feeds earlier and found this little blurb and photo on the Fox News (where else?) San Antonio website about Bristol’s visit:
Palin Visits Fredericksburg Store
The daughter of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin spent the evening in Fredericksburg. Bristol Palin signed copies of her new book “Not Afraid of Life” at the town’s Walmart store. The book talks about Bristol’s experience in the public eye when her mother campaigned as John McCain’s presidential running mate.
I think the part about “spent the evening” is a bit disingenuous. When my husband was checking out at Walmart he went to the express checkout that happened to be right next to the area where Ms. Palin had been holding court.
(As you can see in the photo, it was a set-up fit for a queen, complete with a bouquet of roses snatched from the floral cold case just a few steps away and a faux palm tree hauled in from the crafts department in the back of the store. Notice, too, the heavy knit scarf around Bristol’s neck. WTF? It was at least 98 outside, and not a whole lot cooler in the store.)
The checker had been there the whole time and said that Bristol had left after only 20 mins. to a half hour of signing. There was even a point where there was no one waiting, so she graciously (to her credit) went around and introduced herself to the employees in the area.
In the grand tradition of her Mama Grizzly, she’d brought little Tripp (have I got the name right? With all the Tripps, Tracks, Trigs, etc., it’s hard to keep up) along for added value. No Sarah, though.
The checker said that while Palin was still there an elderly lady went through her check-out line and muttered “Hmmph. What does she know about life?”
When my husband was just about done checking out, the Walmart employee said “When you get down to it, it’s all about the money, isn’t it?”