Shocked, I Tell You, Just Shocked!

Oklahoma Gov. Kevin Stitt, who has aggressively pushed to reopen his state and flouted experts’ health recommendations, announced Wednesday that he is the first governor to test positive for coronavirus.

Stitt, a Republican, said at a press conference that he was tested on Tuesday and that he feels “fine,” other than being a “little bit achy.” He said he’ll be quarantining and working from home, and that he was “pretty shocked” to be the first governor to get the virus. He added that he would isolating away from his family, whom he said tested negative.

Coronavirus US: Oklahoma governor tweets from 'packed' venue ...

Oklahoma's Governor Says He Has Tested Positive For COVID-19 ...

Gov. Stitt welcomes you to Oklacovid!


The President Is Trading Dr. Fauci for the Ex-Host of Love Connection

From Esquire, by Jack Homes:


As his staffers smear the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases in the press, the president is sharing public-health expertise from a fellow game-show host.

attends "the evolution of the relationship reality show" at the paley center for media on march 19, 2015 in beverly hills, california

 Chuck Woolery, the new expert in town.


Imagine Running Public Relations for Lysol Right Now

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

The President* of the United States said the following at Thursday’s episode of the Five O’Clock Follies:

“The disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning. It gets in the lungs.”

This spasm of thought-like activity was occasioned by a report delivered by Bill Bryan, the head of the science and technology division of the Department of Homeland Security. Bryan mentioned that, yes, disinfectants like Lysol are effective in killing the coronavirus on things like playground equipment, handrails, and doorknobs. Bryan also reported that the virus seems to die in bright sunlight and in warmer and more humid weather.

Then, with every spark gap in his mighty brain sizzling and cracking, the president* launched into the above improv while, over on the sidelines, Dr. Deborah Birx suddenly found herself in a thousand memes, looking as though she’d been hit on the head with a polo mallet. El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago was really rolling, folks. He was one step away from advising Birx to go out and find a virgin to toss into a volcano.

Dear America,

Lysol should not be taken internally. Also, half-mad, malignant television personalities should not be elected president.

God help us all.


The Management


Strap On Those HazMat Suits and Go Get a Haircut

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

Governor Brian Kemp has given all Georgians permission to infect each other.

Everybody zip up those outer-space HazMat suits and go down and get yourself a haircut, provided the cord feeding you oxygen can stretch from your house in Decatur to Mutt’s Haircutting Place and Feed Store in Waycross. Now that Governor Brian Kemp has given all Georgians permission to infect each other, we’ve got to isolate that place so Georgians don’t infect the rest of us. Start building the big old bubble. Do it now.

(Kemp, you may recall, is the brainiac who was the last person on Earth to know that the coronavirus can be transmitted by asymptomatic carriers. What the hell, the guy probably shouldn’t be governor anyway.)

The list of non-essential businesses that Kemp is going to allow to reopen includes gyms, fitness centers, bowling alleys, body art studios, barbers, cosmetologists, hair designers, and nail-care artists. It sounds like Kemp is declaring that every strip mall in the state is now open for business, but it’s hard to imagine a list of businesses that would be more susceptible to the spread of epidemic disease. Can a hairstylist work from six feet away? Can a tattooist use a six-foot needle? And opening bowling alleys but keeping bars closed? Does Kemp understand how he is profaning the very spirit of bowling in that way?

Moreover, Governor Bill Lee of Tennessee and Henry McMaster of South Carolina both look as though they’re following Kemp’s lead. We’re going to need a bigger bubble.


hazmat suits