8

Ben Carson Thinks Women Are Only Baby Containers

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson is dismissing the notion that there is a “war on women,” saying the real war is on “what’s inside of women.”

“They tell you that there’s a war on women,” Carson said at a rally in Little Rock, Ark. on Thursday.

“There is no war on women – there may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country,” he continued, referring to abortion.

Well, there you have it, straight from the horse’s patootie.

Women count only as brood mares.  [facepalm]

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2

“It’s On His Hat.”

From the Daily Kos—written by Hunter:

“Republican talking-points polisher and message tester Frank Luntz conducted a focus group of Trump supporters. Let’s take a peek.

“I used to sleep on my front porch with the door wide open, and now everyone has deadbolts,” one man said. “I believe the best days of the country are behind us.”

Under Donald Trump, everyone will be able to sleep outside again. Not just on porches, but under bridges, on park benches—it will usher in a new golden age of street camping.

“We know his goal is to make America great again,” a woman said. “It’s on his hat. And we see it every time it’s on TV. Everything that he’s doing, there’s no doubt why he’s doing it: it’s to make America great again.”

“It’s on his hat.”

I’d like to pause here a moment to mourn the untimely passing of the last conservative neuron. Date of death: August 2015. You will be missed, brave little neuron. May you find peace in the next life.

The crowd in the room was angriest about national security. Nearly all of them, it appeared, had an unshakeable feeling that the U.S. border was porous as a sieve and that the very things that once defined the nation: army, border and national pride—were fading.

So there you go. Donald Trump is top banana among the exact sort of people who believe in Jade Helm border conspiracies.

As for Luntz, he professes to be shaken by the experience, not because he was just locked in a room with twenty of America’s dumbest citizens, people who don’t trust government and get their relevant political information from reading hats, Luntz says, but because his party needs to understand that “the grassroots have abandoned them.” This may have to do with the constant barrage of conspiracy theories and false narratives peddled by Luntz’s other client, Fox News, or it may just be that none of those other presidential contenders have been savvy enough to wear their slogans on their actual clothes.”

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3

Bad Lip Reading: The GOP Debate

Oh, Lord. [Laughing so much I’m grateful for Poise pads.]  I. can’t. even.

It’s time for another round of “Bad Lip Reading” and this time it’s the GOP Debate.  I loved this YouTube series last election cycle and they do not disappoint.

Ted Cruz’s voice is sublime.  Something I never thought I’d say.

Enjoy!

2

Carly Fiorina—Another Great GOP Scientific Mind

Speaking at a town hall on Thursday in Alden, Iowa, Fiorina responded to a question from a mother of five who claimed that one of her children had an adverse reaction to a vaccination, saying “It’s always the parent’s choice.” She continued by referencing her pre-teen daughter, whom Fiorina said was bullied by a school nurse into being vaccinated for the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease.

“Measles is one thing…,”Fiorina said.  

Fiorina, who ran for Senate in California in 2010, said she disagreed with the state’s decision recently to eliminate a parent’s right not to vaccinate their children, even in cases of religious objection.

From the Daily Kos–written by Hunter: “This is, I’m afraid, an easy one. If your religion says your child might get a potentially deadly disease but you’re not allowed to prevent it with a simple series of shots because that would go against God’s Will, your religion is stupid and wrong. Shh—no. No more talking. God at no point said you couldn’t wear your seat belts because if it is his will that you be catapulted through your windshield and be reduced to a stain on the back of a sleepy trucker’s rig, you had better not thwart him on that, nor did he warn against bandaging your gaping wounds because if God says it’s time for you to bleed out you had better sit there on your ass and bleed out with dignity, and if you think God wants to give you polio in order to better spread His Holy Infectious Word you’re wrong and none of the rest of us have to listen to you.

Where was I? Ah, right. Trying to parse out just what Fiorina’s actual policy stance is when it comes to childhood vaccinations. She seems to be strongly for them, except for the one preventing cancer, because that’s the one we should defer to religion on, in that a lot of parents don’t particularly mind their kid someday getting a preventable cancer if they don’t have to explain the birds and the bees to their little princess. On all the others she demands parents be given the right to let their kids get deadly communicable diseases, but also supports the rest of society then shunning those kids as a matter of immunological self-defense, and all of it sounds a great deal more complicated than Just Get Your Damn Shots Already.

There’s nothing quite like the rigors of the campaign trail to unclarify a person’s belief system. This whole thing smells strongly of just tell me what to say, for God’s sake, and I’ll say it.”

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12

The Algae at the Bottom of the Gene Pool

Okay, first off, I hate going to our local super-duper market.  It’s very nice, with every kind of product known to man, but they intentionally keep the aisles very narrow to trap you in the store so the odds of your buying something on impulse are high.

Compounding that, people invariably leave their carts in the middle of an aisle and wander off.  Or they stop in the aisle for an “Old Home Week” conversation with a neighbor they just haven’t seen for ages.  If you try to politely go around them, you get a dirty look.  Gah.

But, I went today in what I thought would be a “touch and go” operation to pick up my prescription of happy pills estrogen.  Was I wrong.

I don’t know if it was because it was a Saturday or what, but the store was loaded with what appeared to be extras straight out of “Deliverance.”

And then the large woman behind the pharmacy counter greeted me with a glare. Maybe she just suffered from RBF or “resting bitchy face.”  Whatevah.  I made my purchase and gratefully exited the store.

I’d left my car in an area off to the side of the drive-thru pharmacy where there were a lot of empty spaces around me.  Of course, when I came out, there was a car next to the driver’s side of my car.

The woman driver and her hulking lout of a teenager were farting around with their doors wide open.  The teenager was leaning against a small dirt bike, with which he effectively blocked my approach. His back was to me, so as I was walking toward him I pressed the unlock button on my key, hoping the beeps and the flashing lights would wake him up to the fact that I needed to get past him to get into my car.

Just as I was behind him he made this godawful hawking noise, drawing from deep down in his sinuses and the back of his throat. I knew what was coming and I was powerless to stop it.

He spat an enormous, thick yellow loogie right in front of me on the ground!

I froze in my tracks.  He languidly turned around and mumbled “Sorry.”

As quickly as I could, I dodged around him and practically fell into my car.  I fervently hoped that I didn’t step in the gross blob, and I don’t think I did, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to check the bottom of my shoes because at that moment I just wanted to step on the gas and flee.

I think we need a little more chlorine in the gene pool.

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6

The Human Puppy Mill Show Has Been Canceled

Aww.  TLC’s “Nineteen Kids And Counting” show has been canceled in the wake of revelations about the eldest Duggar’s molestation of his younger sisters and one other non-related girl.

I guess the old cash cow just couldn’t justify keeping them on the air no matter how much they tried to rationalize the situation: “The girls didn’t know what was happening! No harm, no foul!  They were just too tempting in their wetsuits when they went swimming!  We should have made them stay inside in a dark room so the boys wouldn’t have sinful thoughts!”

The Duggar family has released a statement, of which I will provide translation for those of you who don’t understand God Talk:

“It is our prayer that the painful situation (for our wallets) our family went through many years ago (curse you, Oprah!) can point people toward faith in God (just our God you understand, not those other false ones that y’all mistakenly believe in) and help others (again, only those who have been saved, not you other people who’re going to hell anyway) who also have lived through similar dark situations (dark as in keeping everything swept under the rug) to find help, hope (we’re holding out hope for a spin-off in the future, so we’re golden) and healing, as well,” the statement continued. “We appreciate the love (only heterosexual love, not that icky kind with rainbows), support (especially the monetary kind because, God knows, it’s expensive having this many kids), prayers and kindness extended to us by many of you (the rest of you can go to h-e-double hockey sticks, if you get our drift). You have deeply touched our hearts (and wallets) and encouraged us, during this time.”

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7

Trumping My Dog (And Cat)

People have been adding to the general hilarity of Donald Trump’s epic campaign for the presidency by “Trumping their cat.”  What’s that you say?  Well sir, I’ll tell you.  You comb the excess hair from your cat’s coat and then make a little toupee out of it and place it on the adorable pet’s head.  Then, take a photo.

As they say in France, “Viola!”  You’ve trumped your cat.

I made my toupee out of some of the hair I’d just vacuumed up from my area rugs.  My cat, Culvey, really wasn’t having any of this nonsense at first.  It wasn’t until after I’d taken a pic of his buddy, Kelso the Chihuahua, rocking the toupee that he decided it was THE thing to do.  So he let me take a quickie shot of him before he flung it from his skull faster than Kim Kardashian sheds her waist trainer when nobody’s looking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kelso and Culvey doing their Trump thang.  By the way, the Donald said today that’s he’s worth TEN BILLION (his emphasis), but my pets are priceless.  With or without toupees.

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