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Tweet of the Day

 Colin Hanks @ColinHanks

If he’s so damn impressed with the swept floors of the forests of Finland someone tell him about their healthcare system.

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What in the Hell is He Even Saying?

From CNN:

After touring some of the fire damage in Northern California, President Donald Trump was asked whether seeing the devastation changed his opinion on climate change.

“No, no I have a strong opinion. I want a great climate. We’re going to have that, and we are going to have that are very safe because we can’t go through this. Every year we go through this. We’re going to have safe forests and that’s happening as we speak,” he told reporters during a briefing at a command center in Chico, California. 

He reminds me of “Professor” Irwin Corey, World’s Foremost Authority and the master of double-talk.

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Comment of the Day

From the New York Times online, by Ed Connor of Camp Springs, MD, responding to an opinion piece written by Ross Douthat:

“Or, as was noted long before the advent of Trump, the greatest predictor of a county voting democratic was the presence of a college in that county. For republican counties, it was the presence of a Cracker Barrel restaurant.”

Image result for cracker barrel

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Lone guy at Fox News still worried about caravan, embarrassing colleagues

From the Washington Post, satire by Alexandra Petri:

FOX NEWS HQ, PROBABLY — Days after the midterm elections, one “Fox & Friends” producer was still “terrified” the network had scarcely spared a thought for the migrant caravan that only a few days ago, according to the network, was about to sweep into the nation and ruin it, thus demanding the immediate presence of U.S. troops at the border.

His whole Fox family was mortified to discover Gary still believed in the horrifying vision of the caravan, even after Election Day.

In the green room, colleagues rolled their eyes as he kept asking, “Where is it? Why can’t we still see it?” and “What happened to Operation Faithful Patriot?”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t know,” one female colleague mused. “It’s kind of, what’s the word? Sad.”

“I think he actually thinks this was all real,” a male colleague ventured, peering through an open door at the producer, who was frantically scrolling on his phone to see whether he could find any footage or coverage of the caravan. “He’s really worried about it. He took me aside at lunch and retold the plot of an entire ‘Doctor Who’ episode where if you looked away from something scary it would suddenly be much closer, and he couldn’t believe we were taking our eyes off this very real threat.”

The man paused to smother laughter. “I’m sorry. He actually — he keeps telling me he can’t believe the president stopped tweeting about it. He can’t believe.

The “Fox & Friends” producer, accustomed to checking the screen every minute to watch the familiar ominous footage as hosts asked creepy, leading rhetorical questions about it, was shocked to see it was no longer there. “What about the diseases and terrorism?” he kept asking as his colleagues tried to avoid making eye contact with one another so they would not burst into laughter. “My whole family is in a bunker! We went to the polls explicitly because of this issue and the president’s effective messaging on it.”

“I do worry about him,” his female colleague added. “He seems genuinely afraid of the images that we had found and were playing on loop. Does he actually think that Santa Claus is white — or that Sean Hannity is a journalist?”

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DIY FALL CENTERPIECES TO OWN THE PATRIARCHY

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Sarah Hutto:

A Father of Daughters,
Which is Actually Just a Jockstrap
Wrapped Around an AR-15, With Cinnamon

  • Step 1: Tie an AR-15 into a knot, rendering it unusable, which is fine because no one actually needs an AR-15.
  • Step 2: Tie a jockstrap into knots, which is fine, because, be honest, you don’t need one of those either.
  • Step 3: Sprinkle cinnamon everywhere.
  • Step 4: Light the whole thing on fire, along with the Patriarchy, because it’s bad and we need to start over.
  • Step 5: Stand back and enjoy the glow of smoldering outdated gender roles and toasted cinnamon.

Ruth Bader Gourdsburg

  • Step 1: Download a jack-o’-lantern stencil of a respected judge who was voted onto the Supreme Court by the Senate, 96-3, with no controversy or temper tantrums.
  • Step 2: Trace the image onto a midsize, hollowed out pumpkin. Then carve with your sharpest knife.
  • Step 3: Appreciate your festive justice gourd for another twenty years at least, as it will remain vital and sassy out of sheer spite.

The Birds From The Birds, and They’re Ovulating

  • Step 1: Get a bunch of murderous birds to sit in the middle of your table.
  • Step 2: Tell them they are laying eggs for the patriarchy.
  • Step 3: Watch them peck away at their oppressors, a gathering of local craft cider brewers who thought they were coming over for a potluck.
  • Step 4: As the cider bros get pecked to death, strum a lute while sing-yelling, “Caw, caw! The birds will decide when and how they’ll lay their own eggs from now on!”

The Statue of Liberty Spending $300 On a Self-Defense Class

  • Step 1: Convince France that you are worthy of a giant copper statue.
  • Step 2: Erect said statue in your dining room, being sure to illuminate her permanent resting bitch face from enduring over a century of being hissed at, demeaned, poked, prodded, and defiled by strange men confused by their attraction to her.
  • Step 3: Use her torch to burn it all down and start over, starting with the highly flammable seasonal foliage, and ending with stubborn misogyny, which blooms year-round.

The Iceberg That Sunk the Titanic,
Melted Into the Shape of a Middle Finger

  • Step 1: Find a massive frozen hunk of water from the ocean that destroyed an ocean liner in olden times. Stick it on the table.
  • Step 2: As sea levels begin to rise due to fumes created by fueling the patriarchy, sculpt the giant floe into the shape of the last message left to Earth’s remaining inhabitants, who now have less than a decade to salvage what remains of the only known habitable planet. (This is a great conversation-starter.)
  • Step 3: Make sure there are enough fucking lifeboats this time.
  • Step 4: More cinnamon.

The Elevator Full of Blood From The Shining

  • Step 1: Get out your favorite rustic wine crate.
  • Step 2: For the blood part of this centerpiece, you can use your own. (You will only be able to do this once). Observe a news item depicting two judges reputed for sexual assault laughing and enjoying each other’s company at a swearing-in party thrown by the president. Spontaneously hemorrhage from every orifice of your body.
  • Step 3: Fill the decorative crate with your outrage-blood, allowing it to spill all over the table in dramatic autumnal fashion.
  • Step 4: Leave it there until Valentine’s Day, or whenever you throw out your Christmas tree, whichever comes first.

Some Antlers From an Endangered Animal
Shot By a Politician On a Continent Full of People
He Refuses to Help

  • Step 1: Find the absolute worst people imaginable online.
  • Step 2: Contact them and ask them to smuggle animal parts into the country for you on the way back from their next murder safari.
  • Step 3: Alert customs to their imminent arrival.
  • Step 4: While they are interrogated, pick up some fake antlers and a pumpkin spice candle at Target.
  • Step 5: Everything is broken.

A Lady Scarecrow Who Lives In Ohio and Votes

  • Step 1: Find some maternity clothes left over from your high-risk pregnancy and stuff them with hay. Feel free to give the scarecrow an extra flourish, like some dehydrated corn or body autonomy.
  • Step 2: Make affordable health care almost unobtainable for her, but tell her that she must finish incubating her hay baby, subject to punishment by law.
  • Step 3: After she’s billed $3k for pushing out a pile of hay in the hospital, wheelbarrow her over to the closest voting booth and offer to hold her hay pile while she votes.
  • Step 4: Watch the election returns together while bonding over a case of cinnamon schnapps.

Image result for trump thanksgiving turkey

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Hello? Does Anybody Here Remember Jade Helm 15?

From The Hill:

“‘As far as the caravan is concerned, our military is out. We have about 5,000. We’ll go up to anywhere between 10 and 15,000 military personnel on top of Border Patrol, [Immigration and Customs Enforcement] and everybody else at the border,’ the president told reporters on the South Lawn.”

Where is the outrage, people? Why hasn’t Gov. Greg Abbott mobilized the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on these dangerous troops like he did before?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

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Cut Them Some Slack. They’re Just a Couple of Kids.

From the Washington Post:

White House officials said there has been a deliberate effort during the Khashoggi controversy to sideline Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law and adviser, who has developed a strong relationship with MBS. Trump has grown frustrated with Kushner, White House officials said, though he offered his son-in-law some support in the Post interview.

“Jared doesn’t do business with Saudi Arabia. They’re two young guys. Jared doesn’t know him well or anything,” he said. “They are just two young people. They are the same age. They like each other I believe. Jared has done a very good job. I think he’ll make peace with Israel. But there are a lot of setbacks. This is a setback for that.”

Image result for jared kushner saudi arabia businesses

(From The Onion)