2

Steven Wright—My Idol

A number of years ago, I created about 100 ATCs, also known as artist trading cards. Each one is the size of a playing card and mine were little collages that illustrated funny quotes.

One of my favorite sources for these usually absurd observations was the comedian Steven Wright. Woody Allen was another. Woody’s style was the nebbishy guy who angsted about sex and death a lot. Steven was just plain off the wall. That’s why I love him.

Today I came across an interview with him about his joke writing style on New York Magazine’s website.  The interviewer asked him if he had a favorite joke.

This is what he said:

I do have a favorite, but it’s not the general public’s favorite. It’s kind of long. It had to do with: I’m going to my grandfather’s wake. I kneeled down at the casket, and I’m looking at him in the casket, and I started thinking about the batteries in my flashlight. Then I said to my aunt, “Maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just in the wrong way.”

That’s my actual favorite one, but usually, when people ask me if I have a favorite one, I just say no. I don’t know why, it’s almost like a private thing.

I wish I had heard that one when I was creating my ATCs. That would have been a fun one to do.  *Dang*

Here’s a ten minute video of Steven’s comedy routine. I was pleased to recognize several of the jokes that I incorporated in my ATCs.

And below that are some of my Steven Wright inspired ATCs.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

6

How Many Babies Have You Had, Father Pavone?

From CNN regarding the Zika crisis:

In December, authorities in Brazil urged women not to get pregnant. Then last month came the warning from Colombia to delay pregnancy until July. Then in an interview, a health official in El Salvador recommended that women “try to avoid getting pregnant this year and the next.”

Does this mean couples in these largely Catholic countries should abstain from sex for two years? Or should they use so-called “natural family planning”? The method, which involves a woman monitoring her basal body temperature and vaginal secretions to avoid having sex at fertile times of the month, has a 25% failure rate, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Or, because of Zika, should couples use more effective methods of birth control?

So far, the church hierarchy has remained silent on these questions.

The Catholic catechism states that besides “natural family planning,” anything else that works to “‘render procreation impossible’ is intrinsically evil.”

The Rev. Father Frank Pavone, national director of Priests for Life, said that means birth control is wrong no matter what. “That prohibition doesn’t change based on circumstances,” he said. “So couples have a responsibility to live according to the church’s teachings in whatever circumstances they find themselves.”

Bullshit

7

“Handy Universal Post-Iowa Reaction Helpsheet”

From The Daily Kos–written by Bill in Maine

[Hooray!] [Dammit!] [Meh.] My candidate [won] [lost] the Iowa caucus last night, and I am so [thrilled] [pissed] [zen] about it I could [kiss a wookie] [chew through drywall] [go back to bed].

Even though the deciding factor was [turnout] [turnout] [turnout], you can’t ignore the impact of [visiting all 99 counties] [appearing to enjoy wolfing down greasy diner food five times a day] [promising to award the Iowa State Fair butter cow a Medal of Freedom from the Oval Office] in the final tally.

Meanwhile the Republican contest was absolutely [batshit] [synonym for batshit] [another synonym for batshit]. I mean, seriously—holy [cow] [mother of God] [cheese ‘n rice], they really settled on [him] [her] [that]?!! Good luck in the general with your views on gutting [Social Security] [Medicare] [Obamacare] [women’s rights] [voting rights] [LGBT rights] [minority rights] [environmental laws] [consumer protections] [all of the above], ya big jerk.

As usual, the media was of [big help] [little help] [no help] in the run-up to the caucus, and the [most] [least] insightful lesson I learned from their [polling] [pundit roundtable] [chicken-innards reading] analysis was [“Whoever’s ahead will be in the lead”] [“The candidates are playing to win”] [“This is excellent news for John McCain”].

Next stop: the New Hampshire primary. I [can’t wait] [can wait] [would like you to please pass me the bong].

dewey_schlongs_truman

5

Wake Up, Autumn, and Smell the B.S.

Trump Calls for Christian Unity at Liberty U.

Students said they did not know what to make of Trump’s recent public professions of faith.

Josh Neubauer, a senior, said he was skeptical. “I’ve seen him talk the talk but not walk the walk,” he said. “How can you call yourself a Christian and denigrate other religions?”

Others were more willing to give Trump the benefit of the doubt. “We all have our flaws, and he’s made mistakes in the past. Maybe he’s trying to make amends,” said Kaitlyn Bolton, a junior. Added her younger sister, Autumn, “I hope he’s not just using it as a ploy to get votes.”

cropped-pope.jpg

14

The Mullet of Malice

Kim Davis SOTU

I just had to re-blog part of this post from the Awesomely Luvvie website.

It hit the nail on its Bumpit-covered head, y’all.

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“The Ghost of Prejudice Present and her Mullet of Malice. This woman here. Someone said she’s Monday, if Monday was a person. And I cackled for 15 minutes, because it’s true. You know how you feel when you just had an amazing vacation with bae and y’all reached new levels in your relationship and then you get back home and realize you gotta get ready for work that starts in the morning? That feeling is Kim Davis’ whole persona.

This mullet, though. It’s not even business in the front, party in the back. It’s camping in the front, bed head in the back. None of it makes sense. Why is it so high and slick then long and frizzy?

And you got invited to the State of the Union address but decided to wear an UGLASS sweater that looked like it was made of kitchen mittens. What part of the game is that? The sad part is that this is probably her special occasion sweater. You ain’t got the right to be this much of a bigot AND be unstylish. You gotta pick one. It’s the first that’s making me make fun of her for the 2nd. If she was a decent person, I might let her cook a little bit.

The folks on my Awesomely Luvvie FB page went in so bad, I had to quit them all.

She had been saving her highest hairpiece, strongest bobby pins and finest Dress Barn patriotic sweater for such an event. – BKC

The sweater is the Savior of all things Extreme Christian right. It smells like the scorn of unwed mothers, homophobia, burned PPH pamphlets and Donald Trump’s hairspray. – MR

* She stood on her faith, so she must go to church every Sunday. How in God’s name don’t she possess one Sunday outfit? Not a Christmas skirt, a mother’s day shirt, or an Easter hat to hide that hair. Shit she was dressed better when she went to court. I guess she said frak y’all. Y’all gonna put me in the last row like I showed up late for the new Tyler Perry movie I’m gonna dress like the hypocrite that I am. – SG

* Is she wearing a Bumpit of Bigotry in her hair?! – CH

She looks like she just found out the President is Black. Like she got an invitation and had no idea what the State of the Union was and just came anyway and what like “what the hell?” – NR

* Seems like she and Paul Ryan were having a Resting Mad Face contest – CL

So this is why the bible says we should not mix fabrics (Leviticus 19:19). Lord she is breaking the rules so badly. – NM

I’m done. None of y’all are any good. How am I supposed to get my VIP pass into the Golden Gates of Heaven from St. Peter when I’m howling so loudly at the roast of Kim Davis?

Whew, bless that mess. Lemme leave Kim Davis alone. Like style did.”

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I  just love this woman. Luvvie that is. Not Kim.