12

The Algae at the Bottom of the Gene Pool

Okay, first off, I hate going to our local super-duper market.  It’s very nice, with every kind of product known to man, but they intentionally keep the aisles very narrow to trap you in the store so the odds of your buying something on impulse are high.

Compounding that, people invariably leave their carts in the middle of an aisle and wander off.  Or they stop in the aisle for an “Old Home Week” conversation with a neighbor they just haven’t seen for ages.  If you try to politely go around them, you get a dirty look.  Gah.

But, I went today in what I thought would be a “touch and go” operation to pick up my prescription of happy pills estrogen.  Was I wrong.

I don’t know if it was because it was a Saturday or what, but the store was loaded with what appeared to be extras straight out of “Deliverance.”

And then the large woman behind the pharmacy counter greeted me with a glare. Maybe she just suffered from RBF or “resting bitchy face.”  Whatevah.  I made my purchase and gratefully exited the store.

I’d left my car in an area off to the side of the drive-thru pharmacy where there were a lot of empty spaces around me.  Of course, when I came out, there was a car next to the driver’s side of my car.

The woman driver and her hulking lout of a teenager were farting around with their doors wide open.  The teenager was leaning against a small dirt bike, with which he effectively blocked my approach. His back was to me, so as I was walking toward him I pressed the unlock button on my key, hoping the beeps and the flashing lights would wake him up to the fact that I needed to get past him to get into my car.

Just as I was behind him he made this godawful hawking noise, drawing from deep down in his sinuses and the back of his throat. I knew what was coming and I was powerless to stop it.

He spat an enormous, thick yellow loogie right in front of me on the ground!

I froze in my tracks.  He languidly turned around and mumbled “Sorry.”

As quickly as I could, I dodged around him and practically fell into my car.  I fervently hoped that I didn’t step in the gross blob, and I don’t think I did, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to check the bottom of my shoes because at that moment I just wanted to step on the gas and flee.

I think we need a little more chlorine in the gene pool.

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5

The Human Puppy Mill Show Has Been Canceled

Aww.  TLC’s “Nineteen Kids And Counting” show has been canceled in the wake of revelations about the eldest Duggar’s molestation of his younger sisters and one other non-related girl.

I guess the old cash cow just couldn’t justify keeping them on the air no matter how much they tried to rationalize the situation: “The girls didn’t know what was happening! No harm, no foul!  They were just too tempting in their wetsuits when they went swimming!  We should have made them stay inside in a dark room so the boys wouldn’t have sinful thoughts!”

The Duggar family has released a statement, of which I will provide translation for those of you who don’t understand God Talk:

“It is our prayer that the painful situation (for our wallets) our family went through many years ago (curse you, Oprah!) can point people toward faith in God (just our God you understand, not those other false ones that y’all mistakenly believe in) and help others (again, only those who have been saved, not you other people who’re going to hell anyway) who also have lived through similar dark situations (dark as in keeping everything swept under the rug) to find help, hope (we’re holding out hope for a spin-off in the future, so we’re golden) and healing, as well,” the statement continued. “We appreciate the love (only heterosexual love, not that icky kind with rainbows), support (especially the monetary kind because, God knows, it’s expensive having this many kids), prayers and kindness extended to us by many of you (the rest of you can go to h-e-double hockey sticks, if you get our drift). You have deeply touched our hearts (and wallets) and encouraged us, during this time.”

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7

Trumping My Dog (And Cat)

People have been adding to the general hilarity of Donald Trump’s epic campaign for the presidency by “Trumping their cat.”  What’s that you say?  Well sir, I’ll tell you.  You comb the excess hair from your cat’s coat and then make a little toupee out of it and place it on the adorable pet’s head.  Then, take a photo.

As they say in France, “Viola!”  You’ve trumped your cat.

I made my toupee out of some of the hair I’d just vacuumed up from my area rugs.  My cat, Culvey, really wasn’t having any of this nonsense at first.  It wasn’t until after I’d taken a pic of his buddy, Kelso the Chihuahua, rocking the toupee that he decided it was THE thing to do.  So he let me take a quickie shot of him before he flung it from his skull faster than Kim Kardashian sheds her waist trainer when nobody’s looking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kelso and Culvey doing their Trump thang.  By the way, the Donald said today that’s he’s worth TEN BILLION (his emphasis), but my pets are priceless.  With or without toupees.

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3

I Pledge Allegiance to a Nation of Pinheads

From Politico.com in an article about Donald Trump’s speech in Phoenix today:

“He says what he means like I do. He’s not wishy-washy,” said Joan Rosicki, 67, of Phoenix. “He’s for the people. It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. He also is for the Spanish people. I am, too. We just don’t like the lawlessness.”

She said she had been a fan of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie until he took a helicopter ride with, and hugged, President Obama in the wake of Hurricane Sandy in 2012. Of the president, she said, “he wants to be a dictator. I don’t know if he’s ever going to leave. My friends all told me he has to because of the First Amendment.”

[Facepalm]

There is so much… just plain stoopid here. I can’t even.

 

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5

What to Expect This Week

From The Daily Kos:

Wednesday Commander-in-Chief Obama announces T-minus one week and counting until Operation Jade Helm 15, his plan to invade Texas and make it our 51st state. But it’s a secret so don’t tell anybody in Texas.

Alcoa releases its latest earnings report. As usual, their most reliable area of growth is the tinfoil hat sector.

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6

New Word of the Day: Whinarrhea

Dear GOP windbags dog whistling on marriage equality:

I get it – you’re really really PO’ed that gay people now have a Constitutional right to have, or be, an ol’ ball and chain too, and now you’re pretty much just impatiently awaiting the rapture with great annoyance.

Believe me – when it comes to the Supreme Court, I’ve been there. I was dismayed at the Citizens United decision that gave your ilk all that dark money to play with. I was downright angered when they handed George W. Bush the Presidency by halting the Florida recount. I was disgusted when they gutted Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act. There is no doubt that no matter where one is on the political spectrum, we can all agree that the Supreme Court makes mistakes. We might disagree on which specific decisions constitute those mistakes, but we would all agree that they make them.

You have every right to whine and rant. We are a proud nation of whiners and ranters. I fully support your rantitude and your whinarrhea. It’s the American way.

But what you don’t get to do — and I’m talking primarily to you, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton and US Senator Ted Cruz — is advise people to feel free to disregard a United States Supreme Court decision. It is unpatriotic, and it’s un-American.

Let that sink in: what you are doing is un-American.

Marbury v. Madison was decided in 1803. It is settled law. The case determined that the Supreme Court is the final arbiter of what the US Constitution means, and how our laws fit, or don’t, into that Constitution. It means that when it comes to the Constitution, the Supreme Court gets the last laugh. Maybe you were out sick the day they taught that in 10th grade.

So do what you must to curry favor with your political base. Say what you need to say to give Tea Party Republican primary voters a teeny weenie little stiffie, so they will love and adore you come time for the next election.

But while you’re doing all that, just keep in mind that the stuff you’ve said this week about the marriage equality ruling is really stupid. It is un-American, it runs contrary to the Rule of Law, and, since you’re lawyers and know better, I wish they’d disbar you for having promoted it.

Worried about your religious freedom, General Paxton and Senator Cruz? Fine – I support your religious freedoms. And since I do, I strongly suggest you promptly go right out and don’t marry any other dudes. You can also choose to block off the rest of your schedule today, so that you can invest all your time not hanging out with any same-sex couples. That’s pretty much the end of your religious freedoms in this matter.

Meanwhile, the rest of us would very much appreciate it if you would abstain from trying to destroy 212 years of American Constitutional scholarship, so you can curry favor with your base in the next election.

Well said, Harold.  [slow clapping]

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