2

Maybe God’s Label Maker Wasn’t Working…

Canadian backhoe operator Edgar Nernberg was digging a basement for a new house in Alberta when he stumbled upon five fish fossils. The avid collector called up a paleontologist at the University of Calgary, who said the fish had been dead for about 60 million years. The Calgary Sun asked Nernberg, who also happens to be on the board of the Big Valley Creation Science Museum, whether his scientific find made him doubt that Earth was only 6,000 years old.

He laughed, and said, “no.”

“There’s no dates stamped on these things,” he explained.

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1

What Do One Man/One Woman, Salads, and John Wayne Have In Common?

Well, sir, that’s a good question.

Here in the Great State of Texas, the legislature managed to pass a non-binding resolution that stated marriage was between one man and one woman.

Since it is non-binding and basically as worthless as Ted Cruz’s Canadian citizenship, it ranks right up there with other non-binding resolutions passed by the legislature this session.

(The legislature, by the way, meets every two years for 140 days.  I think it would be better if it met every 140 years and lasted for two days.  That way we’d have way less crap to deal with.)

Anyway, they also dubbed May 7 as Salad Day and May 26 as John Wayne Day.

This is how our tax dollars are spent, y’all.  Thank God the session is almost over.

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“Not tonight, John.  I’d rather have a salad.”

8

Knocked My Socks Off

From the Broadway show “Fun Home the Musical,” with the amazing Sydney Lucas.

ALISON:
[Spoken]
You didn’t notice her at first but I saw her the moment she walked in
She was a delivery woman
She came in with a hand cart full of packages,
She was an old school butch.

SMALL ALISON:
Someone just came in the door.
Like no one I ever saw before.
I feel…
I feel…

I don’t know where you came from.
I wish I did
I feel so dumb.
I feel…

Your swagger and your bearing
and the just right clothes you’re wearing
Your short hair and your dungarees
And your lace up boots.

And your keys oh
Your ring of keys.

I thought it was s’pposed to be wrong
But guess I’m okay with being strong
I want…to…
You’re so…

It’s probably conceited to say,
But I think we’re alike in a certain way
I…um…

Your swagger and your bearing
and the just right clothes you’re wearing
Your short hair and your dungarees
And your lace up boots.

And your keys oh
Your ring of keys.

Do you feel my heart saying hi?
In this whole luncheonette
Why am I the only one who sees you’re beautiful?

[Spoken]
No, I mean

[Sung]
Handsome!

Your swagger and your bearing
and the just right clothes you’re wearing
Your short hair and your dungarees
And your lace up boots.

And your keys oh
Your ring of keys.

I know you
I know you
I know you

2

Don’t Mess with “White Somalia”

From Bill Maher:

“You rural white people who are always saying things like ‘Don’t mess with Texas’,” Bill Maher said. “Let me tell you something. You are among the most left alone, least messed with people on the planet. You can carry an assault rifle into a Chili’s. What more do you want. The right to do it shirtless? You are practically your own independent country now. You have outlawed abortion. You have gutted government regulation. You are armed to the teeth. You are the white Somalia. Stop worrying about getting sucked into the new world order. You are barely in the current world order. And the only reason we conduct military exercises in your area is there is no chance of accidentally damaging anything anybody cares about.”

“SHE’S WAITING FOR JADE HELM 15 TO START.”

5

A Missive from Behind the Lines in Texas

From James C. Moore–author of “Bush’s Brain: How Karl Rove Made George W. Bush Presidential”

Dear America,

I write to you from behind the lines in the last free state of Texas as we prepare to resist the invasion of Jade Helm 15.

While Gen. Travis laid in a supply of extra “beeves” in advance of the Mexican assault from Gen. Santa Anna at the Alamo, we are fearful of running low on Slim Jims and Moon Pies as the Walmarts are turned into detention centers for citizens robbed of their constitutional rights. As POWs (Prisoners of Walmart), we expect to be put to work in the sporting goods department against our will while earning below minimum wage.

We have had one encounter with a commander of the invading force during a hearing in Bastrop, Texas. Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria was deceptively polite and informative but Texans don’t fall for those characteristics. We don’t need facts. In Chuck Norris we trust, and he has informed us that this is an attempt by the Kenyan socialist in the White House to surrender our country to the United Nations. We have heard the talk that this is a training exercise in seven southwestern states to prepare U.S. troops for new types of war fighting, but Chuck Norris said, “It’s not crazy to think Obama would invade Texas.”

So that’s what we believe.

Of course, a lot of us still think of the Civil War as the “War of Northern Aggression,” and we are not going succumb to repeated history. In fact, a few weeks before the Jade Helm’s leadership incursion, our state legislature listened to passionate arguments to save “Confederate Heroes Day” on the Texas holiday calendar. A law to abolish the commemoration and honor all participants in the conflict was stopped with persuasion suggesting those who fought with the North were traitors, and anyone who wants to pay them tribute should “go to New York.”

Our brave governor, Greg Abbott, has ordered the Texas State Guard to establish listening posts to monitor Jade Helm exercises in case America’s soldiers come to take our guns, Duck Dynasty paraphernalia, Lone Star beer, pickup trucks, and bass boats. His command has left only a few of us confused. The governor says he honors the military at the same time he sends a message that he distrusts their activities. We are concerned that our previous governor, Rick Perry, has transcended Abbott’s intellect. Perry cannot remember three things at once but thinks paranoia over Jade Helm is not warranted.

We expect the Jade Helm troops to seduce our population with the profits from selling gas, food, and lodging, but we will be vigilant. We have our radios tuned to Texas conspiracy theorist Alex Jones and we have read the text of the U.N.’s Agenda 21 and know that the global elite can requisition even our golf courses without paying appropriate greens fees. We are aware of the cost of freedom in Texas, though, and on a nice 18-hole golf course it can be a hundred dollars a round plus cart fees.

Dissenters are arising in our midst, too, and pose some danger. A suspiciously sane former state lawmaker, Todd Smith, a Republican, wrote the governor to tell him that his “pandering to idiots” had made him “livid.” Although Smith served 16 years in the Texas House, he seems to have salvaged a troubling intelligence. He told Gov. Abbott, “I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse.”

But be not afraid, America. We are Texans. We will resist logic and intelligence to the very end. And we will keep up our traditions. From the Alamo to the Battle of Goliad, the Confederacy, LBJ’s Vietnam, George W. Bush’s Iraq War, and even Jerry Jones’ Dallas Cowboys, we have a long legacy of losing. And the odds are also against us in the coming Battle of Jade Helm, but we expect to prevail against the invaders, and we will not give up our rights.

Or our air conditioning, cold beer, and Slim Jims.

Signed,

A Patriotic Texan

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11

Egads! They’ve Exhumed Ann Miller!

I was scrolling through the photos of the glitterati at last night’s Met Gala, otherwise known as the Anna Wintour Takes Over the World Wingding (TM), when I came across a pic of Kris Jenner on the red carpet.  Holy crap on a cracker!

For one disorienting moment I truly thought that the actress/dancer/singer Ann Miller was still alive.  Or reanimated.

I know Ann had lied about her age when she first got into showbiz and was not as old as most folks thought, but she passed away in 2004 at the age of 82 (give or take.)

But no!  Here she was in the flesh, such as it is.  (Some lucky dermatologist is making a fortune off of cheek plumpers here, for sure.)

It took me a little bit to realize that I was mistaken and was looking at Kris Jenner, she of the Kardashian Klan of self-promoters extraordinare.

I guess I wasn’t alone in my miscalculation because I later read a tweet by Lady Gaga that said “Michael Jackson’s corpse is looking amazing tonight.”

Ouch.

See for yourself.  Then go rinse out your eyeballs.                               ann_miller_2001_06_04

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