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The Vice President Says He Didn’t Wear a Mask So That He Could Look People in the Eye

 From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

“I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to be here, to be able to speak to these researchers, these incredible health care personnel, and look them in the eye and say thank you.“—Mike Pence at the Mayo Clinic

Yes, that is the vice president* of the United States, and the White House point man on the greatest public-health crisis in a century, admitting that he doesn’t know the difference between a mask and a blindfold. It makes a public mockery of everything Pence and his task force allegedly are doing. It makes a mockery of all the people who have upended their lives on his advice.

OK, so Mike Pence is a bag of hammers. We’ve known that for years. But it’s hard not to conclude that his boneheaded recklessness on Tuesday was prompted by Pence’s desire to prove to the president*, who’s already said he won’t wear a mask because it poses a danger to his perpetually threatened manhood, that Pence is on the team. In other words, Pence didn’t have the simple decency to appear masked in a hospital clinic in the middle of a pandemic because, in this administration*, simple decency is an act of courage beyond Mike Pence’s capabilities. He has the gallows in one eye and Nikki Haley in the other.

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That Great American…William Shakespeare?

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.) said Sunday the United States should reconsider visas granted to Chinese students interested in science and technology, accusing the students of taking American intellectual property back to China and predicting Chinese officials would steal information on the coronavirus vaccine American researchers are developing.

To prevent discoveries about an eventual vaccine from reaching the Chinese government, the United States should ensure that exchange students from China study American culture instead of science-related subjects, Cotton said, incorrectly suggesting English playwright William Shakespeare was an American figure.

If Chinese students want to come here and study Shakespeare and the Federalist Papers, that’s what they need to learn from America,” he told Bartiromo in the interview, which began trending on Twitter. “They don’t need to learn quantum computing and artificial intelligence from America.”

The Mad Student Survival Guide For Those Bored Of Education (Mad ...

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Imagine Running Public Relations for Lysol Right Now

From Esquire, by Charles P. Pierce:

The President* of the United States said the following at Thursday’s episode of the Five O’Clock Follies:

“The disinfectant, where it knocks it out in a minute, and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning. It gets in the lungs.”

This spasm of thought-like activity was occasioned by a report delivered by Bill Bryan, the head of the science and technology division of the Department of Homeland Security. Bryan mentioned that, yes, disinfectants like Lysol are effective in killing the coronavirus on things like playground equipment, handrails, and doorknobs. Bryan also reported that the virus seems to die in bright sunlight and in warmer and more humid weather.

Then, with every spark gap in his mighty brain sizzling and cracking, the president* launched into the above improv while, over on the sidelines, Dr. Deborah Birx suddenly found herself in a thousand memes, looking as though she’d been hit on the head with a polo mallet. El Caudillo del Mar-a-Lago was really rolling, folks. He was one step away from advising Birx to go out and find a virgin to toss into a volcano.

Dear America,

Lysol should not be taken internally. Also, half-mad, malignant television personalities should not be elected president.

God help us all.

Sincerely,

The Management