Lone guy at Fox News still worried about caravan, embarrassing colleagues

From the Washington Post, satire by Alexandra Petri:

FOX NEWS HQ, PROBABLY — Days after the midterm elections, one “Fox & Friends” producer was still “terrified” the network had scarcely spared a thought for the migrant caravan that only a few days ago, according to the network, was about to sweep into the nation and ruin it, thus demanding the immediate presence of U.S. troops at the border.

His whole Fox family was mortified to discover Gary still believed in the horrifying vision of the caravan, even after Election Day.

In the green room, colleagues rolled their eyes as he kept asking, “Where is it? Why can’t we still see it?” and “What happened to Operation Faithful Patriot?”

“I can’t believe he doesn’t know,” one female colleague mused. “It’s kind of, what’s the word? Sad.”

“I think he actually thinks this was all real,” a male colleague ventured, peering through an open door at the producer, who was frantically scrolling on his phone to see whether he could find any footage or coverage of the caravan. “He’s really worried about it. He took me aside at lunch and retold the plot of an entire ‘Doctor Who’ episode where if you looked away from something scary it would suddenly be much closer, and he couldn’t believe we were taking our eyes off this very real threat.”

The man paused to smother laughter. “I’m sorry. He actually — he keeps telling me he can’t believe the president stopped tweeting about it. He can’t believe.

The “Fox & Friends” producer, accustomed to checking the screen every minute to watch the familiar ominous footage as hosts asked creepy, leading rhetorical questions about it, was shocked to see it was no longer there. “What about the diseases and terrorism?” he kept asking as his colleagues tried to avoid making eye contact with one another so they would not burst into laughter. “My whole family is in a bunker! We went to the polls explicitly because of this issue and the president’s effective messaging on it.”

“I do worry about him,” his female colleague added. “He seems genuinely afraid of the images that we had found and were playing on loop. Does he actually think that Santa Claus is white — or that Sean Hannity is a journalist?”



Bill, Maybe God Isn’t a “He.”

From The Hill:

Former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly said Monday he’s “mad at God” for the sexual misconduct allegations he’s faced in recent months.

“You know, am I mad at God? Yeah, I’m mad at him,” O’Reilly said. “I wish I had more protection. I wish this stuff didn’t happen. I can’t explain it to you. Yeah, I’m mad at him.”


Image result for female god cartoon

“Cheers, Bill. Enjoy!”—God


And…Another One Bites the Dust

“The O’Reilly Factor” has been canceled amid a cloud of harassment allegations against the conservative broadcaster.

Rupert Murdoch and his sons James and Lachlan, who run 21st Century Fox, made the announcement Wednesday afternoon.

“After a thorough and careful review of the allegations, the Company and Bill O’Reilly have agreed that Bill O’Reilly will not be returning to the Fox News Channel,” Fox said.

O’Reilly had no immediate comment, but one of his attorneys said a statement is forthcoming.

Bye, Bill! Don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

Image result for bill oreilly


Vladimir Putin Haz a Sad


From New York Magazine:

Some Republican lawmakers have objected to President Donald Trump’s defense of Russian president Vladimir Putin by claiming the U.S. also “has got a lot of killers” in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. But GOP leaders weren’t the only ones miffed by the exchange.

“We consider such words from the Fox TV company to be unacceptable and insulting,” a Kremlin spokesman told reporters in response to the Fox News host, who said “Putin’s a killer” in response to Trump’s statement that he wanted closer relations with Russia and to work with Putin on defeating ISIS. O’Reilly was referring to allegations that the Russian leader has directed hits on journalists and political opponents.

The Kremlin added that, “Honestly speaking, we would prefer to get an apology from such a respected TV company.”


Rudy, I Bet You Threw Up a Little in Your Mouth When You Said That.

From Rudy Giuliani (a noun, a verb and 9/11):

“A lot of this talk is just silliness coming from Washington or coming from the Clinton campaign,” Miller said. “And I’ve got to give the Clinton camp credit. They’ve done a pretty good job of working their contacts in the media, you know, pushing a lot of this.”

“Not all networks and news outlets are quite as fair and balanced as Fox News,” he added.


How The Ape Brain Assesses Risk

From The Daily Kos:


Or, you can just substitute Ebola for ISIS.  They’re interchangeable to the average Fox News or Breitbart viewer.  And throw in a little IRS, Benghazi, and Obamacare for good measure.  It’s an election year and the GOP is dragging out the old reliable fear zombies of the past that worked so well for George W.’s re-election campaign.

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.



Here We Come A-Caroling…

From The Daily Kos and written by Bill from Portland, Maine:

For a jolly good time, substitute these for the originals when you go door-to-door this War-on-Christmas season!

      Dreck from Hallmark
(Apologies to “Deck the Halls”)

Dreck from Hallmark hangs so neatly
Falalalala La La La La
On the bigots’ trees so sweetly
Falalalala La La La La

“Don we now our FUN apparel?
What the hell? What the hell? What…the…hell!

Dreck from Hallmark sucks completely
Falalalala La La…[Facepalm]


Dear Santa, I can explain...

O Plagiarist!
(Apologies to “O Christmas Tree”)

O Plagiarist! O Plagiarist!
How blatant is thy stealing
O Plagiarist! O Plagiarist!
How ugly and revealing
I point at you—yes you, Rand Paul
You pilfer words and that takes gall
O Plagiarist! O Plagiarist!
How blatant is thy stealing.


  Firm Handshake
(Apologies to “White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming of a firm handshake
Between Obama and Raul
Just a brief, chance meeting
A short, quick greeting
Would be kinda sorta cool

I’m dreaming of a firm handshake
A nod and smile to be polite
It will be a very odd sight
And will make the Fox News heads ignite.

[Drops mic]
[Throws underpants at audience]
[Gets ushered out of nursing home for terrorizing the residents]


Working Out Flat Screen Politics

I started going to the gym at our local Wellness Center in June.  Since school was out, and I wouldn’t be reading to the kindergarteners at the Primary School again until October, I needed a project to focus on.

I decided that I would be that project.

After an unusually frigid winter, the Flabman had come calling.

It was high time to get back into yoga again after a three year hiatus of sloth.  Also, I wanted to use some of the nifty fitness equipment arrayed in their cardio training room.  They have three rows of elliptical machines and treadmills, all lined up facing the wall that holds four flat screen teevees.

Each screen is numbered from 1 to 4, left to right.  While you’re working out you can plug into the audio thingy (you can tell I’m technologically challenged) called a “Cardio Theater” mounted on each machine and select which teevee you want to listen to.

Screen # 1 is always sports.  Two is usually a country music video channel.  Three has always been….ack….Fox News.  And four riochets amongst NBC, HGTV or the generic news channel from Time Warner Cable…so far.  This screen seems to be the wild card here.  But Fox News on screen #3  is forever and ever, amen.

At least until a day last week.

I had just gone into the cardio room when I saw a man in his 70s actively engaging in conversation with three or four people who were in the middle of their workouts.  He was asking them if it would be alright if he could get one of the center’s managers to change the channel on screen #2.

As it turned out, screen #1 was still sports, but #2 now had Fox News and #3  had the music channel.  He wanted to use the treadmill that was directly in front of screen three, even though there were others available.  Apparently he didn’t want to have to turn his head even slightly to the left to be able to watch Megyn Kelly, so he wanted the channels switched.

By the time I arrived, he had gotten everyone’s approval for the move, which I’m sure most of them assented to just to get the guy out of their face.  If he had asked me, I would have said “Sure.  I don’t listen to that crap anyway,” but he didn’t, so I didn’t.

The manager came in with the remote and changed the channels.  But now there were two screens of Fox News up there, screen #2 and also #3.

Now, that’s just wrong.

But this is a very Republican town, and Democrats tend to huddle and whisper when we get together and use secret handshakes and passwords like “The owl flies at dawn,” so calling attention to yourself as such isn’t recommended.

A lady a couple of machines over from me finally piped up and asked the manager if she would kindly switch one screen back to the music channel she’d been watching, which she did.

Mr. Fox continued to plod away on his treadmill, eyes staring straight ahead, never taking his gaze from his source of “fair and balanced news.”

Now that’s the height of Right Wing devotion.

Or stupidity.  You pick.