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DIY FALL CENTERPIECES TO OWN THE PATRIARCHY

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Sarah Hutto:

A Father of Daughters,
Which is Actually Just a Jockstrap
Wrapped Around an AR-15, With Cinnamon

  • Step 1: Tie an AR-15 into a knot, rendering it unusable, which is fine because no one actually needs an AR-15.
  • Step 2: Tie a jockstrap into knots, which is fine, because, be honest, you don’t need one of those either.
  • Step 3: Sprinkle cinnamon everywhere.
  • Step 4: Light the whole thing on fire, along with the Patriarchy, because it’s bad and we need to start over.
  • Step 5: Stand back and enjoy the glow of smoldering outdated gender roles and toasted cinnamon.

Ruth Bader Gourdsburg

  • Step 1: Download a jack-o’-lantern stencil of a respected judge who was voted onto the Supreme Court by the Senate, 96-3, with no controversy or temper tantrums.
  • Step 2: Trace the image onto a midsize, hollowed out pumpkin. Then carve with your sharpest knife.
  • Step 3: Appreciate your festive justice gourd for another twenty years at least, as it will remain vital and sassy out of sheer spite.

The Birds From The Birds, and They’re Ovulating

  • Step 1: Get a bunch of murderous birds to sit in the middle of your table.
  • Step 2: Tell them they are laying eggs for the patriarchy.
  • Step 3: Watch them peck away at their oppressors, a gathering of local craft cider brewers who thought they were coming over for a potluck.
  • Step 4: As the cider bros get pecked to death, strum a lute while sing-yelling, “Caw, caw! The birds will decide when and how they’ll lay their own eggs from now on!”

The Statue of Liberty Spending $300 On a Self-Defense Class

  • Step 1: Convince France that you are worthy of a giant copper statue.
  • Step 2: Erect said statue in your dining room, being sure to illuminate her permanent resting bitch face from enduring over a century of being hissed at, demeaned, poked, prodded, and defiled by strange men confused by their attraction to her.
  • Step 3: Use her torch to burn it all down and start over, starting with the highly flammable seasonal foliage, and ending with stubborn misogyny, which blooms year-round.

The Iceberg That Sunk the Titanic,
Melted Into the Shape of a Middle Finger

  • Step 1: Find a massive frozen hunk of water from the ocean that destroyed an ocean liner in olden times. Stick it on the table.
  • Step 2: As sea levels begin to rise due to fumes created by fueling the patriarchy, sculpt the giant floe into the shape of the last message left to Earth’s remaining inhabitants, who now have less than a decade to salvage what remains of the only known habitable planet. (This is a great conversation-starter.)
  • Step 3: Make sure there are enough fucking lifeboats this time.
  • Step 4: More cinnamon.

The Elevator Full of Blood From The Shining

  • Step 1: Get out your favorite rustic wine crate.
  • Step 2: For the blood part of this centerpiece, you can use your own. (You will only be able to do this once). Observe a news item depicting two judges reputed for sexual assault laughing and enjoying each other’s company at a swearing-in party thrown by the president. Spontaneously hemorrhage from every orifice of your body.
  • Step 3: Fill the decorative crate with your outrage-blood, allowing it to spill all over the table in dramatic autumnal fashion.
  • Step 4: Leave it there until Valentine’s Day, or whenever you throw out your Christmas tree, whichever comes first.

Some Antlers From an Endangered Animal
Shot By a Politician On a Continent Full of People
He Refuses to Help

  • Step 1: Find the absolute worst people imaginable online.
  • Step 2: Contact them and ask them to smuggle animal parts into the country for you on the way back from their next murder safari.
  • Step 3: Alert customs to their imminent arrival.
  • Step 4: While they are interrogated, pick up some fake antlers and a pumpkin spice candle at Target.
  • Step 5: Everything is broken.

A Lady Scarecrow Who Lives In Ohio and Votes

  • Step 1: Find some maternity clothes left over from your high-risk pregnancy and stuff them with hay. Feel free to give the scarecrow an extra flourish, like some dehydrated corn or body autonomy.
  • Step 2: Make affordable health care almost unobtainable for her, but tell her that she must finish incubating her hay baby, subject to punishment by law.
  • Step 3: After she’s billed $3k for pushing out a pile of hay in the hospital, wheelbarrow her over to the closest voting booth and offer to hold her hay pile while she votes.
  • Step 4: Watch the election returns together while bonding over a case of cinnamon schnapps.

Image result for trump thanksgiving turkey

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Duh

From the Washington Post:

 It took a giant laurel oak puncturing her roof during Hurricane Florence last month for Margie White to consider that perhaps there was some truth to all the alarm bells over global warming.

“I always thought climate change was a bunch of nonsense, but now I really do think it is happening,” said White, a 65-year-old Trump supporter, as she and her young grandson watched workers haul away downed trees and other debris lining the streets of her posh seaside neighborhood last week, just as Hurricane Michael made landfall 700 miles away in the Florida Panhandle.

Image result for climate change denier

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Dogs Playing Poker…Um, No…Republican Presidents

This fantasy painting is actually hanging in the (very) White House and was seen in the background during Lesley Stahl’s interview with Trump on 60 Minutes. It was given to Trump by Darrell Issa, Republican Bootlicker, and Trump liked it A LOT because it made him look slim. Notice he’s drinking Diet Coke while the rest of them have some form of booze.

If you look at the misty background of the painting, you can make out President Taft (who, unlike Trump, was not slimmed down for this artwork), Warren G. Harding, Herbert Hoover, Calvin Coolidge, and it appears to be an uncharacteristically sober Ulysses S. Grant there off to the left. Trump REALLY likes him, as evidenced by his shout out during his last campaign rally.

What I find intriguing is the woman to the right of Grant. It sure looks like Jackie Kennedy, given the flip of her hairdo. It can’t be Melania because she has her arms in the sleeves of her jacket. She seems to be marching in a determined fashion toward the table, ready to rip them all a new one. You go, girl. 

Image result for republican presidents playing poker

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I AM SICK AND TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING BULLIED FOR MY EXTREME WEALTH AND POLITICAL POWER

From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, by Bob Vulfov

“‘I could say I’m the most bullied person on the world,’ Mrs. Trump said in an interview with ABC News that was filmed during her visit to Kenya last week.” — New York Times, October 11, 2018

I have had enough! Army of butlers, please exit the parlor. Bullying is a serious issue for the supremely privileged and it is time for me to speak out. I refuse to let my brave voice be silenced, even though it literally never has been and never will be. It’s time for me to speak up on behalf of yacht owners and tax loopholers everywhere. As I sit on my throne of golden influence, I know more than ever that I am the most bullied person in the world.

Do you all think it’s easy to be on the wrong end of unreasonable income inequality, lapping up beluga caviar as most people can’t afford to pay their monthly rent? It’s extremely difficult to be me. I am often taunted with terrible verbal abuse, such as, “It looks like we’ve run out of caviar,” and “You have eaten over 12 tins of very expensive caviar this week.” When will somebody tell me it gets better? This morning, I stubbed my toe on my platinum coffee table because I was distracted reading a tweet claiming that I am canceled. My diamond-studded life is really hard.

I will no longer stand by silently as I am mercilessly ridiculed and bullied by the unwashed masses just because I happen to have an unpaid servant whose only responsibility is to tell me what the weather is like outside. I know I could just look it up on my phone, but I don’t want to. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t think I should be bullied just because I stand idly by as my friends, family, and I continue to accumulate wealth and influence on the backs of the poor and powerless. I deserve to continue living my immoral, complicit life without any criticism.

I can think of no person in the world who has been bullied to the extent that I have. Open a textbook, point to any figure throughout history, and I’ll tell you how I’ve been bullied worse than them. Every day I wake up as a member of the elite ruling class. I have complete economic freedom to do anything I want with no consequences. I can afford the best doctors — so I’m basically immortal — and the best lawyers — so I’m basically above the law. But, from time to time, someone says something slightly mean about me and my complicitness in the destruction of the planet. This bullying of me and my almost limitless power must stop.

I also don’t deserve to be mocked for dressing like a 19th-century colonialist while visiting countries that were most impacted by brutal colonial oppression. Sometimes, I think people just need to walk a mile in my $10,000 shoes. Then, maybe they’d think twice about bullying me.

 

Image result for melania trump bully

 

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But I Hope You Feel Empowered, Sweet Cheeks

From The Washington Post, by Alexandra Petri:

Well, sure, I am going to vote yes on Kavanaugh, sweetie. Don’t become hysterical. But I just feel so awful it had to happen like this. It’s such a shame, I think.

I just think, dollface, if there is one thing that came out of all this, sugar, that was good, it is, pumpkin, that you got to have your say. Baby, you got to stand up in front of all these people and bear witness to what you felt like you had experienced, like a big girl! It was so important, and I absolutely believed you, sweetheart!

Chickadee, baby doll, your voice was so important. Your movement matters, honey. It matters, darling. It matters, sweet cheeks.

I think the people who should feel bad, though, honey pie (not you, of course, duckling!) are the people who told you that if you said something, it might matter. That was mean of them. What was so cruel was that you, baby girl, had to bear witness thinking that something would happen. I suppose you didn’t know, sugar tits, that nothing was going to happen, doll baby. But I was so inspired by you and what you did! It was so brave, pudding! It was so wonderful, toots!

It was so important! It was so inspiring! I am going to work to be sure your voice is heard, chickadee — loud and clear, dumpling! I am going to be sure, of course, that your daughters never suffer an indignity, baby, like thinking that if they poured out their pain, people might do something other than wade through it and go about their business, buttercup. That must have been embarrassing.

Oh, sugar, your movement is so important. But if you had a legitimate objection, I’m sure the legislative body would have ways of shutting the whole confirmation down, darling. The point is, we can all be inspired by the brave women and girls like you, baby doll, who said their piece, who poured their voices down a deep well from which no echo emerged, honey! I was certainly inspired. Girl power!

I believe you, sweetie. Of course I do, jellybean. It mattered. It mattered so much. The future is female, toots! But speaking up is its own reward, isn’t it? Don’t you find that, dollface, sugar, sweet cheeks? I find that. You got to feel heard, didn’t you, toots? Not listened to, but heard. You got to say words out loud where people were able to hear them, and then you got to watch them continue about what they were doing, which must have been so empowering for you, duckling! You got to feel like you had a real voice, honey! It was adorable.

Gumdrop, what matters is that it was good for you. I hope it was good for you. I just feel awful that it was all for nothing, pumpkin, sugar pie, peach! I just feel so sad watching you struggle like that while I did nothing, princess! It pained me to see you think you could change my mind, oh honey, oh precious, oh lamb.

But don’t worry your head about it, darling, sweetheart, love bug. I have every reason to believe that Justice Kavanaugh will be fair and fine. He will bridge the partisan gap. The process isn’t broken, doll baby, darling. You can trust him, sweetie. What’s important, sugarplum, is that you tried!

It was so important, what you said. Of course it was, sunshine! I am so glad we heard you, sweetheart, even if we did not listen to you, pumpkin!

Sit down, now. Shut up, honey.

Of course, I believe you, sweetie. I don’t believe that what you say happened happened, duckling, but I think it is so brave you said it! I’m just mad that those meanies, pookie, lied to you and gave you hope. Hope is always the cruelest thing to give people. Hope is what makes the monsters in the box unbearable.

Image result for sweet cheeks

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She Has a Name, You Know

From CNN:
But White House counselor Kellyanne Conway brushed off criticism of the President and bolstered the toughened White House line towards Ford.
The woman has been accommodated by all of us, including Senate Judiciary Committee,” Conway told reporters.
She’s been treated like a Faberge egg by all of us, beginning with me and the President. He’s pointing out factual inconsistencies.”
Image result for broken faberge egg
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Some Thoughts From My Favorite Political Writer, Charles P. Pierce.

From Esquire:

“In plain terms, for all his spleen and outrage, Judge Kavanaugh lies about everything. In his earlier hearings, he lied about his judicial philosophy, and he lied about his days as a Republican operative, both in and out of the White House. On Monday, he lied to Martha McCallum of Fox News. On Thursday, he lied about his entire adolescence and his college days.

He lied even when he didn’t have to lie. He lied in preposterous ways easily disproven by common sense. (The “Devil’s Triangle”? “Renate Alumnius”?) He lied like a toddler, like a guilty adolescent, and like a privileged scion of the white ruling class, which is a continuum with which we all are far too familiar. He lied and he dared the Democratic members of the committee, and the country, to call him on his lies. And now, he is a couple of easy steps away from having lied his way into a lifetime seat on the United States Supreme Court. This guy is going to be deciding constitutional issues for the next four decades, and the truth is not in him.

The ballgame pretty much ended when Jeff Flake’s endlessly tortured conscience led him to the completely predictable conclusion that, while Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was “credible,” he would have to vote in favor of putting Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court because, as his official statement said:

“What I do know is that our system of justice affords a presumption of innocence to the accused, absent corroborating evidence. That is what binds us to the rule of law. While some may argue that a different standard should apply regarding the Senate’s advice and consent responsibilities, I believe that the Constitution’s provisions of fairness and due process apply here as well.”

Lord, what a putz this guy is. Before the committee began its meeting on Friday, Flake was confronted by a group of women who had survived sexual assault. He tried to hide in an elevator. They followed him in there. This should happen to him every time he climbs into an elevator for the rest of his life.

All that’s left in this sorry epic is to count the votes. We will have the next 40 years to count the cost.

And, an update: Intriguingly, the scheduled Sunday debate between Beto O’Rourke and Ted Cruz in Houston has been postponed. The stated reason? Cruz “will be in Washington, D.C. for weekend votes.” The railroad is picking up steam.”